Love and Secrets

By Sam

Warnings: m/m slash, sexual content.

Author's Note:  Hi everyone.  I'm new here, as you may or may not have already guessed.  This is something I have been working on for a while and I hope you all like it!  Just to let people know, this first chapter is a bit on the smutty side and if you're not into that sort of thing, don't give up on me!  After this chapter, things are a lot tamer and more into the angst, drama, etc.- you know, all that fun stuff!  So, hope you enjoy and PLEASE R&R!!!

Chapter 1


Even now, when we touch, I feel the electricity of the first time.  It's not all like at first but in some ways, that's good.  When we started to be intimate, we were both so nervous and tentative … but so incredibly turned on at the same time.  Thirteen-year-old boys are notorious for their raging hormones and Conner and I were no different.  We wanted it so badly and lucky for us, we got it from each other whenever we wished.

Now, of course, years later the nervous energy of the early days is gone and it is now replaced with a comfortable familiar intimacy.  We know every inch of each other so well and yet it's like falling in love all over again every time.  Each encounter is an experience of rediscovery.

Sometimes I wish I could share this joy with the world.  I wish I could tell them about this amazing love Conner and I share.  But the truth is, the fact that this is our own secret makes our love even more special.  And hot.

One time in ninth grade, after hockey I was in the middle of changing with all the guys around me.  I was on my way to the showers, wearing nothing but a towel.  Conner and I were the team captains and were asked by our coach, as we often were, to go into the change-room for the last half-hour of practice to discuss plays.  Let's just say that Conner and I did more than discuss plays.  On this particular occasion, I glanced at a bench as I headed to the showers.  A bench on which Conner and I just happened to have had sex about five minutes earlier.  I felt myself immediately harden and it took all mental power and determination to calm down.  I tried to think of the most undesirable thing possible … Professor Slattery's history class … urgh.  It didn't help when two seconds later I accidentally chose the shower right next to Conner where he was washing his hair and laughing his beautiful deep, rumbling laugh at something Peterson across the room had said.  He glanced at me as I removed my towel and winked at me.  I rolled my eyes at him and whispered under my breath, "Don't you start.  I'm having enough trouble as it is in this room full of people without you being completely sexy."

Conner laughed but respected my needs and turned back to Peterson.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to go home one Christmas and in the middle of the big family banquet with every relative we have all around, I'll just say, "By the way, everyone: I'm gay.  Yeah, I've known it for years.  Actually, you remember my friend Conner Smith?  Well, the two of us have been lovers for about five years now.  Just thought I'd let you know."

I smile as I imagine their reactions.  All of those people, sitting around in their fancy clothes, eating their fancy food, talking about their perfect lives and all their money and how they're better than everyone … and then I would shock them all.  I could laugh out loud.

But no.  Of course not.  I could never do it.  The repercussions would be … disastrous.  I could say good-bye to everything I have been promised in the future and good-bye to everything I have now … including Conner.  No, things are perfect the way they are.  Of course I am going to wonder, what if?  It's only natural.  But then I wake up and look around and realize that there is no reason to throw everything I have down the drain … I am popular with students and teachers alike, I am captain of the school hockey team, I am from one of the wealthiest families in a school full of money, I am going to own the family fortune in a few years, as soon as I have an education most can only dream of, and I am in love and free to be in a relationship with my love … as long as no one knows.


We are falling on top of each other as we clumsily stumble into our dorm room.  Greg slams the door shut and quickly locks it and I am already pinning him against it.  I press my lips hard against his and he responds immediately, kissing back passionately.  Soon, we lose ourselves in each other.  School is forgotten, hockey is forgotten, family is forgotten, friends are forgotten.  Only our love exists.  Only we exist and we exist as one.

Oh God, I love him so much.  I don't only love him at times like these, I love him all the time.  I love him eight days a week, I love him like the roses need the rain, I love him straight from the heart.  Shit, Greg's right- I am corny.  But it's all true.  He is the only one who knows me, who understands me, and who despite that, still loves me unconditionally.

Sometimes I wish we could run around and scream our love to the world, and kiss and hold hands in public, and go to school formals together but to be honest, we are both still incredibly turned on by the forbidden nature of our relationship.  Sometimes it's exciting to have our little secret together.  Exchanging love notes in class, skipping class to make out in the McKenzie building toilet that no one uses, having sex at night in our room … it's all so amazing.  When coach asks the team captains to go into the change room during practice to discuss plays, we both have to force ourselves not to burst out grinning.  Greg and I will just nod quietly and make our way to the empty room with a lock where we have twenty minutes to do as we please and no one has any idea about it.

I wish we could tell people but I know that that is impossible.  Not so impossible for me, impossible for Greg.  Greg has more at stake than I do and though I desperately wish we did not have to go through all the things that we did, I understood.  I understood that we had to keep our love a secret.  I understood that I had to keep the one joy of my life hidden.


It's ten o'clock and Conner and I have finally tackled our homework.  Conner is at his desk across the room, typing madly away on his computer wearing boxers and a t-shirt.  I am lying naked on my stomach across our pushed together dorm beds, sorting through my history notes.  The exam is not for two weeks but it's never too early to start studying.  In fact, I was cursing myself for not starting to study from day one; that way, I would have nothing to worry about now.  Good job, Greg.  You're going to fuck up your life because you were too horny to study for a stupid history exam.  And now you're talking to yourself-

My inner dialogue is suddenly interrupted as the constant clickety-clack from Conner's side of the room stops.  I glance up and he is staring at me from behind his laptop.

"Why don't you put some clothes on?"

I grin coyly at him.  "Why should I?"

"Because you're distracting me and this damn paper is due tomorrow."

I shrug.  "Maybe you should've thought of that when we were assigned that paper a month ago."

He just continues to stare at me, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips.

I shrug again and look back at my notes.  I'll admit that the look Conner was giving me was very tempting but I was not going to encourage his procrastination tendencies.

"Your ass is hot."

I snort.  "Do your homework, Smith."

"Put some clothes on, Taylor."

"You'd think," I say, rising to a sitting position, "that a child-genius like yourself could get through an English paper without so much trouble."

"Well, I'm not a child anymore and when I was a child, I didn't have your beautiful naked body lying a few feet away, just asking to be made love to."

I roll my eyes.  "Doesn't your dick have an on/off switch or something?  It would be very useful."

His lips begin to curl slowly into a grin.  "It used to," he says, rising from his chair and starting to prowl toward me, "but since the moment I met you, it's been broken.  It's been stuck on 'on' for five years now, baby."

I chuckle and lean back onto the pillows behind me, propping myself up on my elbows.  "What a line."

He is standing over me now, gazing at me with eyes full of lust.  "What a guy," he murmurs.

Our studies are forgotten as he tackles me on the creaking bed.