I miss Dean. I want him to come to my house and take my pain away. I yearn to feel his touch, for him to give me a big bear hug. I don't know if i'm supposed to be having these thoughts but i am. I can't control them. What's so bad in having them if they'll never come true anyway?? I don't know. It all started with him. I met him first, and they came afterwards. All like a storytale. He said he was watching snow white and it reminded him of me. I'll never know why he said that. But maybe, I"m not meant to. Maybe he was meant to be a minor character in my life.

Maybe having their handwriting on paper and one picture will be enough. A memoir, of everything i've been through for them. I've cried so many times over them. Over him, over her. For what?

To get hurt over and over again. I don't think I could have lasted any longer with him.

He would have left me eventually or I , him. I said goodbye to them many times but I just couldn't bring myself to make an ultimatum. I guess they didn't feel the same way.Dean didn't. Seth didn't. I felt horrible then. I felt as if I'd done something wrong. It wasn't my fault , though. Not really. It's easier to think it's your fault even when it isn't. That way, you think everyone around you is a good person. But that's wrong.

You have to face reality one time or another.

Love is magical but sometimes, magic is just an illusion.

I miss Seth. It's a different kind of longing though. I really liked him as more than just a friend for a while. He said that he'd come and take me away on a magical carpet and I believed him. It was all a fairytale, and probably will be left at that for all of eternity. I don't know why i was destined to meet him yet. I think i'll find out soon enough though. These things don't stay hidden for too long, unfortunately. If I find out, all the magic in it will be lost, just like with Dean. It feels as if i'm speaking to some unrealistic character now. Someone I once knew, but then lost all memory of. When I found out who he really was, he wasn't special anymore. Seth is like that too. "A celestial memory", that's what he called me. "I love your soul", were his last words to me. That's weird. Maybe i'll figure it out someday.

'Twill be alright in the end'

'How will it?'

'It's a mystery'.