I Will Never Be by writerforever

The thoughts and wishes of Alex, a teenaged cancer patient.

Based On Some Of My Feelings And Thoughts

Life is a precious thing. It is something that many people take for granted. People go about their daily lives never thinking something terrible might happen. They never think that one day they might be in a hospital with cancer. I know I never thought that. I am fifteen-years-old and I just found out that I have cancer. It is a frightening thing to find out that you have cancer and that you only have three months to live. When the doctor told me that the cancer in my knee had spread to my liver I thought that I was going to pass out. I was so afraid and I still am. The doctor said there was no cure for the kind of cancer I have.

I had so many things planned and so many dreams but now. . .none of that matters. I had so much to offer the world. I was going to travel the world and help people. My one main dream was to become a counselor for troubled teenagers. I wanted to do that so much. I wanted to help people and somehow make a difference in this world of lies, fear, and prejudice.

All my life I've always known that I was different. I've always had this fear that I would die young and never get to experience life as it is. Well, that fear has come true. I have one wish that I hope to come true before I. . .before I move to another world and that wish is to get my novel published. It took me two years to write the novel and I've longed to send it to a publishing company. Yesterday I finally sent it to Publish America. They said they would read my novel and get back to me in two to four weeks. I wanted so much to tell them that that was too long, that I wouldn't be here but fear held me back. How do you tell someone you are going to die soon? How do you explain it to yourself? Whenever you tell someone that you have cancer, no matter how you tell them, they always feel sorry for you. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to treat me just like any normal person.

Sunday at church I told my best friend, Ben, that I had cancer. He won't speak to me now. He won't even come near me. I guess he thinks he'll catch cancer from me or something. But he's not the only one that has shunned me. All of the other guys I know look at me strange and they steer clear of me. When they do that I feel as if my heart is breaking. Don't they understand that I need them now more than I ever did before? But I'm used to be alone. All my life I haven't had many friends because everyone thought I was a little strange. All the other guys didn't like me because I wanted to do right and live a pure life. I'm not saying that I'm perfect or good or anything like that. I just wanted to live my life the way God wanted me to. The other guys couldn't see that so they labeled me as weird just because I didn't want to watch pornography or smoke pot or do any of those bad things. It has been so hard living life alone and without friends but now I realize that I've had a friend with me all along. God has been with me through all those times when I would stand alone while everyone else went to do bad things. He is with me now as I am coming close to death. I find myself wondering if maybe God has allowed this cancer to take over my body so I can go home to be with Him. It is comforting to think that.

My parents say that we'll do all the things that I've always wanted to do. I will be able to do some of the things but not much of them because I have to many dreams. They would take a lifetime to do. I have only three months remember so that isn't much time. But I'm going to try and live my life as much as I can.

There's one thing that I wish I could experience before I leave. I wish I could fall in love with a girl. I remember thinking about how when I grew up I would fall in love and marry. My wife and I would have two kids and life would go on happily. Many people go there whole lives and never fall in love. I've lived my life and never fallen in love and I'm only fifteen. Even now, although it is foolish, I still dream of falling in love. But who could possibly fall in love with me? My hair is almost gone and I'm going to be leaving in three months.

That's another thing, my hair. I'm almost completely bald and they say I have to get all of my hair shaved off. I'm trying to be strong but it is so hard. I don't understand why this is happening to me. But I'm trying not to question everything that is happening to me although it is hard not to do. I have to believe there is a reason for all this. I have to believe that this is all a part of God's plan. If I don't I will never survive this three months.

My parents told me they will take me to see the ocean in Charleston, South Carolina. I love the ocean so much and I am really excited about going. This will be the last time I will ever see the ocean so I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can.

Today I sat outside and it was so wonderful. It was so warm and a nice breeze was blowing. As I looked around at all of the life that surrounded me I couldn't help but cry. It saddens me to know that I will be leaving this world that I've always known and loved. I wish I hadn't took for granted all those times when I was free from death's frightening grip. But life will go on even after I leave. People will continue to fulfill their dreams and live their lives. They'll get to know what it is like to have a family or to have their book published. As for me. . .well I'll be gone. The world will not even know that Alex Houston has left and gone on. The world will not even remember the name Alex Houston. I will never be some famous author, or actor. I will never step foot on the moon or come up with some new invention. I will never meet a famous person and shake their hand. I will never be known throughout the world as one who changed the world. I will never be a happy father. I will never hold my son or daughter in my arms. I will never be. . . .

The end

This story is based on some of the things I thought about. What if you got cancer? What if you knew you were going to die in three months? I kept asking myself this and as I wrote this short story it made me appreciate life. It made me glad to be alive and well. I used to take life for granted and I would feel sorry for myself but then I would look around and see others who were suffering and whose troubles were far much worse than mine. That helps me a lot to be thankful that I am who I am and that God has blessed me with life.

I hope this short story has shown you to not take life for granted. Many people have no inkling of how precious life is. So please enjoy life and try not to take it for granted.