Monologue

First of all I would just like to say the following: This is a practise monologue as I have to do one for my GCSE exam at college (I didn't get enough for my first exam in high school.) For those of you outside of Britain it's just our final test before we can leave school. It is about me and my feelings. It is more of a confession than a Monologue but as I said: Practise.

What am I to do? This eternal fountain of feeling keeps swelling in me, it can't keep happening forever, it just can't. I keep fighting myself, fighting against what I am. I will never be able to change who I am, it is futile to try, so why do I keep trying to? I made public my nightmare and it went well, the problem is: It's not my true nightmare. The reality of the matter is my true nightmare is not even fathomable by onlookers. Those people out there in the real world could only understand if they had these feeling themselves, I wish that on none though as this is exactly what I said a nightmare. It is, however, my nightmare and I have no other choice but to face it head on. What am I to do? Who can I turn to in my moment of need? Who can I turn to if no one knows the truth? Or at least, they don't know that they know. As I look into the void, into the depths of my self I realise that no one is straight forward and I am a key example of the problems everyone faces. I should have comfort in knowing this but I do not. I know it is wrong, I know that it would be frowned upon by many a person. You can't control your feelings though. Many people have mentioned "It is wrong to bottle up what you feel." What can I do though, what am I supposed to do? The reaction I would get would be catastrophic and I would lose everyone that I care about. The hypocrisy of this world is unbearable and I can't take this forever. I'm isolated by my own need and wants. I know it is selfish, but it is my life and that is exactly what I deserve. I am entitled to a life like everyone else, so why am I denied what everyone else gets? If only I could tell someone, but I cannot. It eats me up, everyone thinks I am fine. Why is everyone so ignorant, this is one of those things where I could do with a friend and not feel so alone. They are there, my friends, they are with me. Don't they see, I am not with them? This thing that I have become is something else entirely. One day they will look behind them to see if I am still being dragged along and I will be gone. I told them it wouldn't last forever. The one thing I am sure of is that I am true to my word, so here is my word: I will have a life, with or without you. You know what I mean. I am trying. I will be gone soon, in body and mind. Then I will slowly be forgotten like a rotting leaf on the moist ground of a forest.