How to Get a Guy to Notice You!
A/N: I wrote this for my English "How To" paper back when I was 13 (I'm 17 now!) and in the 8th grade. This had to be the funniest thing I had ever written at the time. It still is one of the funniest things I have ever written to this date. I just found it when I was going through all of my old crap and felt the need to share it with you, my nice, faithful readers. ^_^ I hope there are some of you who appreciate this. Please don't be offended, girls! Oh, one more thing. I changed it slightly, and added in more stuff, since some of the things I wrote were pretty poorly worded back then. :P
TIRED OF NOT GETTING ANY GUYS? SICK OF STAYING AT HOME ON FRIDAY NIGHTS WITH NOTHING TO DO? I thought you might be. Well, girls, you're in luck! This article will teach you everything and anything you need to know about how to get the other members of the human race to notice you! Trust no other article, as this is the only SURE-FIRE way to get a date in 6 easy steps!
But, first and foremost, you need to be confident in yourself! If you're not confident with yourself…uh…well…you're not confident in yourself! And, if you're unhappy with your appearance you should…um…enhance your appearance.
STEP ONE: BUY A WONDERBRA. Or, stuff your bra, whichever works for you. (Just a hint from the master of the 32-A, don't use toilet paper or anything crinkly or else you'll rustle when you walk. Use something like…errr…marshmallows! Yeah! That should do the trick! Or, if you're going for a more natural but less lumpy look, then try pudding in a plastic bag. Hey, it's worked before, hasn't it?) Also, wear clothes that flatter your body, not ones that hide it. If you have a nice bod, then flaunt it! If you don't think your body's that hot, then wear clothes that…ah…conform to your body. If you think your legs are fat then DON'T WEAR TIGHT PANTS! It's that simple! Fat stomach? Not to worry! Don't try to cram yourself lard ass into a belly shirt! WOW! Isn't that easy? I thought so too.
STEP TWO: BRUSH UP ON THE HYGIENE, MAN! You know, there is something called "soap" out there. Yes, this may seem like something strange and alien to one such as your nasty self, but it really works! Here's another hint. There is also something called a "shower". Showers are very good! They make you smell clean and fresh and make your skin and hair…SHINY! Men love shiny things! And if you're wondering why your beau won't get anywhere near your mouth, have you ever heard of a toothbrush? WOW! That's an idea!
STEP THREE: ACTUALLY MAKE THE EFFORT! If you hide under a table and cry like Nancy Kerrigan every single time a guy walks up to you, then you, missy, have a problem! Try to open yourself up to the creative gods that control your mind and soul and make you one with the nature spirits…I mean…open the door to your inner child (and hopefully by now you're not desperate enough to molest him/her!) and let them loose! Act more like yourself instead of trying to act like…well…if you're not communicating then you're not acting like ANYBODY, but that's beside the point. Just be yourself, unless of course, you are a total loser, and then act like someone else.
STEP FOUR: TEST THE ATTRACTION SKILLS! This is the dreaded, feared…STEP FOUR! BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! ::hack, cough:: …Yes. Anyway, this should only be attempted by experienced girls, so make sure you have your male attracting cologne on if you don't think you're quite up for the challenge. When you exit your home, apartment, mansion, box, car, trailer, sidewalk, or whatever you live in/on, don't walk out thinking "Oh my god, I am SUCH a loser!" because, even though you probably are, that thought isn't exactly the most uplifting. Walk out thinking "I'm cool, and the guys love me!" Also, the way that you walk can express your mood. You could be thinking all cool and confident like, but if you're walking with your head down, or up your ass, or anywhere else but looking straight ahead, people could think otherwise. Keep that back straight! Chest out, stomach in! Join the army, it works wonders for the posture! (But, sadly, it doesn't help with the men much!). Just look happy…but NOT blonde happy, because blonde happy scares people, especially guys! When you finally obtain your male friend with benefits, you can move onto step five.
STEP FIVE: WHERE TO TAKE YOUR LOSER. Yes. If you are desperate enough to come to me for advice, you must be pretty bad, and so, your guy must be a loser. Deal with it. Anyway, the best place to take a guy is…NO! Not a bar, you goddamn redneck rejects! What's wrong with you? Take the man to a nice restaurant if he has the proper clothing to go to one, or, if you think you might be ready…uh…NO! Not the bedroom! That comes after the alcohol, when you both seem attractive. You take the guy back to your house, but NOT for a night of fantasy down by the fire! Have a nice, homemade dinner at your house, or, if you suck at cooking and have money, hire Julia Child to get in her walker and drag herself to your house and cook you a fried duck.
STEP SIX…UH…OR, REALLY, IT'S NOT STEP SIX, BUT WE HAD TO HAVE SIX STEPS FOR OUR PAPER SO I CALLED THIS CONCLUDING STATEMENT STEP SIX…YEAH: Well, there you have it. If you've had at least ONE successful date, you're well on your way down the path to hell…I mean romance. And hey, if it doesn't work out…look on the bright side! At least you've HAD a date! (Even if it was one that lasted five minutes in the back seat of a station wagon with a fifth of vodka, a condom, and an eight of pot…heh…heh…) Just keep trying, and now that guys like you, or…at least you THINK they do because you're a gullible moron, you could get many dates in the future! (If you have doubts about your future, please call your personal psychic hotline.) Remember these valuable…er…tips that I have given you and I hope they get you screwed in the future. Literally.