Random Mental Thoughts From My Head
Not really a story; just a few ideas I've been kicking around that might be funny.
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I wish I could set bears on fire. Not manually, with napalm and stuff. But with the power of my mind. Ursa-pyrokinesis
Of course, it would be sweet if you could just set anything on fire. I'm not saying that I would prefer limited superpowers,
just that if burning bears was all you could do, and you only used it once during the single camping trip you took in your life,
and PETA stayed on your ass for it the rest of your life, it would still be worth some serious bragging rights.
If you could psy-nuke a bear, I think that no one could fault you if you legally changed your name to Hardcore McBadass and listed
you occupation on census forms as "Fire Ninja God of Death". Also, I would hang out in the woods and zoos a lot; but that's just me.
(please notice I've been mature enough to refrain from making a lame comment involving Smokey the Bear and... ah, damnit)
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There's a guy in iceland named Sigurdur Petursson. They call him the "Iceman", and he was briefly famous for going into the water after a shark.
It was threatening the crew of his boat, so he dragged the 660 pound shark from the ocean and killed it with a knife.
If I had done that, I would just tattoo "shark killer" on my forehead and get elected king. I defy you to think of an arguement
that can't be won by "I killed a shark with a knife".
District Attorney: Mr. Petursson, the state has evidence of your involvement in racketeering, embezzelment, and drug trafficking.
How do you respond to this?
Me: That I killed a shark with a knife.
DA: Damn. I mean, I don't really see how......Damn! Ok, fine. Nevermind.
The ultimate trump card.
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Why don't we have any retarded superheros? I know anyone who remembers the original SuperFriends would point out that we do, but
I don't include leotard clad freaks of science in this definition. I mean literally mentally challenged super heros that rip out bank robbers' arms
and soil their pants.
I think we've all went to school with the special kid, didn't we? The one who wears a helmet and gurgles a lot. In case you weren't the guy who took the
dare to arm wrestle him, and still have full use of all your limbs, let me tell you: The Hulk has nothing on the average special olympian. Retardation lends people a strength that neither steroids or radiation can compare with. Isn't it time society put this untapped retard strength to use for the common good, or, failing that, my personal amusement?
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And now, an actual conversation:
(I walk into class, an action figure hanging out of my backpack.)
Trendy Girl (noticing action figure): What is that?
Me: Thats Jesus...holding a sword...and the severed head of a Barbie doll.
TG: Why?
Me: I don't know, but if she pissed him off that much, she had to have done something wrong.
TG: Jesus wouldn't kill anyone.
Me: Obviously you never read the book of Revelations.
TG: What's that on his back? An energiser battery?
Me: Yeah, I figure the Energiser Bunny's the only guy Jesus couldn't take down, since you just can't kill him, so I gave JC the battery
to level the playing field. Now he keeps going and going and going...
TG: What the hell is wrong with you?
Me: Because purple.
TG: What?
Me: See? Now you're confused, so I win. Turn around and get back in your little box.
TG: (head explodes)
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............................................................................................................................
Well, what do you think. Please review, and don't go easy on me just cuz it's my first...story..kindof.
Not really a story; just a few ideas I've been kicking around that might be funny.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
I wish I could set bears on fire. Not manually, with napalm and stuff. But with the power of my mind. Ursa-pyrokinesis
Of course, it would be sweet if you could just set anything on fire. I'm not saying that I would prefer limited superpowers,
just that if burning bears was all you could do, and you only used it once during the single camping trip you took in your life,
and PETA stayed on your ass for it the rest of your life, it would still be worth some serious bragging rights.
If you could psy-nuke a bear, I think that no one could fault you if you legally changed your name to Hardcore McBadass and listed
you occupation on census forms as "Fire Ninja God of Death". Also, I would hang out in the woods and zoos a lot; but that's just me.
(please notice I've been mature enough to refrain from making a lame comment involving Smokey the Bear and... ah, damnit)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a guy in iceland named Sigurdur Petursson. They call him the "Iceman", and he was briefly famous for going into the water after a shark.
It was threatening the crew of his boat, so he dragged the 660 pound shark from the ocean and killed it with a knife.
If I had done that, I would just tattoo "shark killer" on my forehead and get elected king. I defy you to think of an arguement
that can't be won by "I killed a shark with a knife".
District Attorney: Mr. Petursson, the state has evidence of your involvement in racketeering, embezzelment, and drug trafficking.
How do you respond to this?
Me: That I killed a shark with a knife.
DA: Damn. I mean, I don't really see how......Damn! Ok, fine. Nevermind.
The ultimate trump card.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't we have any retarded superheros? I know anyone who remembers the original SuperFriends would point out that we do, but
I don't include leotard clad freaks of science in this definition. I mean literally mentally challenged super heros that rip out bank robbers' arms
and soil their pants.
I think we've all went to school with the special kid, didn't we? The one who wears a helmet and gurgles a lot. In case you weren't the guy who took the
dare to arm wrestle him, and still have full use of all your limbs, let me tell you: The Hulk has nothing on the average special olympian. Retardation lends people a strength that neither steroids or radiation can compare with. Isn't it time society put this untapped retard strength to use for the common good, or, failing that, my personal amusement?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, an actual conversation:
(I walk into class, an action figure hanging out of my backpack.)
Trendy Girl (noticing action figure): What is that?
Me: Thats Jesus...holding a sword...and the severed head of a Barbie doll.
TG: Why?
Me: I don't know, but if she pissed him off that much, she had to have done something wrong.
TG: Jesus wouldn't kill anyone.
Me: Obviously you never read the book of Revelations.
TG: What's that on his back? An energiser battery?
Me: Yeah, I figure the Energiser Bunny's the only guy Jesus couldn't take down, since you just can't kill him, so I gave JC the battery
to level the playing field. Now he keeps going and going and going...
TG: What the hell is wrong with you?
Me: Because purple.
TG: What?
Me: See? Now you're confused, so I win. Turn around and get back in your little box.
TG: (head explodes)
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Well, what do you think. Please review, and don't go easy on me just cuz it's my first...story..kindof.