Screaming

[April12, 2004]

My new goal in life is to be loud

loud enough that my father will realize that I have a voice

and be able to hear me over his screaming.

Today,

during a fight he through all of the food on the counter at me to prove how much of a man he is.

[ Hit your kids men

everyone's doing it

its the only fashionable thing to do.]

And afterward make sure that you get down on your knees and beg for mercy form our vengeful hearts.

He'll never get it from me though.

My heart is cold,

never to be touched past the surface.

If your out their,

reading this,

daddy

know that I hate you

and that wherever you are

whatever your doing

I hope you realize that you've made me this way

a by product of your lust

to a transparent rainbow

that was shot down by a loud voice

and hateful words.

My voice is loud,

and I feel like screaming to the world as to what a coward you are.

How you through fruit at me and raised your hand to strike and that I dared you to.

I dared you to hit me

slap me

make me bleed

turn me into the silken maid of silence.

Throw me against the ground and suck the love that once grew from my fingertips like ivy.

Go on...

Feed the flame that's receding

dying

left over

like a stale piece of flesh stuck between your teeth.

I want to bleed tonight

to have you out of my system,

the same system that you helped to create

your violent veranda of taunts.

She's not enough.

I'm not enough.

So get rid of me

pinch me like a flower and pull away my petals.

"Is she good enough, is she not good enough."

"Do I love my daughter, do I love my daughter not."

Lover.

Screaming.

Down.

These.

Narrow.

Steps.

Of.

Hardwood.

Floors.

Lost,

daring to be bled tonight

and be rid of you.