"Why No One Liked Cinderella"
Most people don't know the real story of Cinderella. Of course, there's a reason for this: Most people are morons.
But never fear, morons; this story will put an end to all your foolish tales. For this is the true story of Cinderella.
It all started once upon a time, as stories of this sort often do. Once upon a time, Cinderella was not very bright. Neither were her stepsisters and her stepmother, but Cinderella was the stupidest of all.
See, Cinderella's oven had exploded, but she still kept trying to bake gingerbread men in it. Why did she want gingerbread men, you ask? Well, she was lonely and wanted friends because her stepsisters and stepmother thought she had mental problems. And you wonder why that was? Well, she kept trying to bake gingerbread men in an oven that didn't even work! That would scare anyone.
One day, Cinderella's stepmother told her that there would be a ball at the palace. She asked Cinderella if she could bring anyone as a date. If she couldn't, then she'd have to clean the house.
"Well," said Cinderella, "my next batch of gingerbread men will be ready out of the oven in an hour." She motioned to the pile of ashes in the corner of her room. "I'm sure I could bring one of them."
Her stepmother laughed and said, "You're an idiot, Cinderella. No one will ever like you."
"You're so hurtful!" Cinderella cried. "But you just wait! One day, I'll have hundreds of gingerbread man friends!"
However, she did not have any gingerbread man friends by the next hour, nor did she have them that night. This came as a surprise to her, and she cried about it. Her evil, bad, hurtful stepfamily laughed at her.
But Cinderella didn't think it was very funny. She wanted to go to the ball and she wanted a date! After all, who wants to clean a whole house? She looked over at her oven. None of the gingerbread men on the tray were baked yet. Sadly, she went to bed.
She was dreaming that she could fly and eat cheese, and it was a happy dream. Of course, it quickly ended. Why? Well, Cinderella was woken up by a loud mooing noise.
"Who mooed?" she demanded.
"Oh, that must have been me," said the most ridiculous voice ever. "I do that sometimes."
Cinderella looked up to see who said that, and she was disturbed by what she saw. Hanging from a rope in front of her bed was her fairy godmother, who had paper wings and a pipe cleaner wand.
"Oh," said Cinderella. "Can you tell me why you're here?"
"Yes. I am your fairy godmother, and I know you need a date for the ball. Therefore, I'm going to give you one."
"Oh, wow! Who is it I shall be bringing, then?"
Cinderella's fairy godmother smiled. "I have selected the most worthy candidate. Everyone will envy you." She pulled out a glass slipper. "Don't worry, it's a guy."
"What? I'm supposed to take this sparkly shoe to the ball?"
Her fairy godmother was starting to get annoyed. "Do you want a date or not?"
"Then take the stupid shoe!" She shoved it in Cinderella's face, someone off-set pulled the rope, and she, the fairy godmother, flew away.
Cinderella was so happy to have a date. She danced around her house with her new boyfriend who also happened to be a shoe.
"Hey, Cinderella, guess what?" said one of her evil stepsisters.
"You don't have a brain!"
"Well, you know what?" snapped Cinderella. "I don't care because I have now found the love of my life!"
Her other stepsister showed up and yelled, "That's a stinkin' shoe!"
"He's more than just a shoe! He's a man!"
Her stepsister snorted. "Well, you know what I think of your man?" She pulled the glass slipper out of Cinderella's hands and smashed it into the wall.
Both of her stepsisters laughed, and her stepmother showed up to do the same. Cinderella cried.
And when the day of the ball came, she cleaned the house and tried to make gingerbread men, but her oven never worked.