Does this feeling make me crazy?

Or am I just a sane person who is looking for something more.

I want to go down, way down under a sea of webs and threads that I know as humanity, down to the pit of the world where it was created. Down where humanity is no longer existent, and the world seems like a better place to be in. Into a garden of Eden where there is nothing but nature and animals and the only sounds are those of hooves and paws and the song of the birds and the whispers of the wind in the trees, bursting to tell their secrets.

I want to go down there.

And then I want to lie at the bottom of some pool...and just...not breathe...

Sometimes I wonder whether my thoughts are human. How can I have such an alter ego...how can I present myself to the world in all happiness and at the same time die with each smile I make on my mask?

Yeah, me and seventy five others...

I sit here looking at my computer screen as I type these words and then my glance falls on the pad that holds the thought for the day.

Love is God and God is love.

Why would God give me the want to be pure and yet at the same time desire for sin? Why would God give so much grief to a young innocent boy that in the end would help kill him and others in the process? Why would God give mankind something new technologically and advanced within itself, so powerful that it could murder a world? And why would God create religion where it is preached that it is all right to kill those who are different from yourself?

These are acts of a capricious and cruel God...not the Loving god I was raised to believe in! The God I hoped to come closer to whenever I go to a place of worship...

Where is that God?

Where is my God?

The God that is appalled and steps in to protect the weak.

The God that blesses the poor with some form of wealth.

The God that punishes those who are corrupt and gives to those who are alive and yet waiting for death to consume them...

If all that I've heard is wrong...and if it is just survival of the meanest...

It can't be just about survival...

Life must have some more meaning!

Because if there is a species that should multiply...its that of the strong and the kind...

They deserve to survive and thrive...for it is the who can change our world for the better...

Because if they don't, if people as kind as loving and as caring as them don't survive...and don't multiply and inherit the earth...

THEN THERE IS NO GOD...