Alexander

            This could be it. This is my chance. Breathe. Smile. Breathe. Fall. Breathe once more. Fall forever. I am suffocating on air, deafened by the silence, and drowning from the inside out…but this is my chance! I have the chance to free myself from this hell called earth. I can do this. This is easy. Freedom screams for me. Breathe. Or maybe not. Why? What's the point? It would be so much easier to not breath. Not much longer now, freedom's coming. Breathe.

            I'm falling, falling, falling faster now. The world looks so green from up here, so perfect, so green and perfect. I don't belong here: I am not green or perfect. My life has run its course, yet nothing has been accomplished. I am a waste of dust and ashes, so you might as well take them back, God. I return now to my mother's womb, where I was cursed, where this all should have ended. I was born dead, a blue baby, destined to Hell at birth. That's where all the unbaptized babies go, my mother used to tell me. No, that's where to suicides go, Mommy, so your baby boy's only headed back where he truly belongs. Beneath the green earth that creeps ever so slowly towards me. Now. Breathe.

            I wonder if anyone will miss me when I am gone. Will anyone shed a tear for little Alex? No. Will anyone even notice my absence on this green and perfect glob of humanity? Why should they? Joshua! How could I have ever forgotten him…I'll make sure he won't forget me. He will notice, he will care, but only because he has to watch. Oh, poor, stupid Josh. Twenty minutes from now he will regret having asked me to go parachuting with him. Happy Sixteenth Birthd-splat! Poor kid. He will remember. He will regret. Where is that kid?- there he is, oh geez. That's right, kiddo, thumbs up, Josh! Breathe. Never forget that, kid. Breathe. I wish you didn't have to see this; you're so young, you've got your whole life ahead of you. I wish I could remember what it felt like to be sixteen again. But don't et me rain on your parade, kid, live life to the fullest, and then, when your empty, hollow, and pale, you'll understand why. Maybe you'll even follow in your favorite bro's footsteps. I will smile, Josh, but just one last time. See you in Hell, kid. Smile. Breathe.

            This is it! This is it! I can feel it! For the first time in twenty years I can feel again! Not much longer now. The earth swells beneath me and I feel my heart pound. My heart. In my ears, in my toes, in my eyes, all I can feel is my hearst. My raging, pounding, roaring, heart. I think I had forgotten about it…but no matter. Soon no more sound, no more sight, no more heart. Soon. Breathe.

            Goodbye, little Joshua! Goodbye, Mommy! Goodbye, Daddy! I hope this, of all things, does not come as a surprise. Goodbye, my loves! Goodbye, and good riddance, school! No matter what they tell you, Josh, your education is a waste and a shame. Don't forget that. Don't forget me. Goodbye, God, I'm sure that I will miss you the most! Breathe. As I came, now I go. Breathe. Alexander the blue baby, Alex the red crater.

Brea…