I sat there on the bench with no idea where I was. It didn't really matter though. It was fitting that I was lost, being so lost on the inside as well. The old self loathing that I hadn't felt in such a long time loomed over me. It seemed to be a tangible being with a life of it's own.
With my old friend looming behind me, I wondered what Jack was doing. Was he awake yet? Did he know I was gone? Did he care? Would he worry? Somehow I didn't think he would. I knew, though, that if Alex had awoken to find me missing when I shouldn't be, he would worry. That alone should have told me what to do, seeing as I wasn't quite listening to my gut instinct that what I had done the night before was totally wrong. It was stupid of me to think that just because I'd slept with jack that now there had to be something between us. Sex is very different from love. I knew that all too well, having had my share of completely detached lovers. I had been one myself, for that lonely period of time when I didn't know where I was going in life, or even if I really wanted to keep on living.
But I'd moved on, left that part of my life behind. I should leave Jack behind too, shouldn't I? Remove all things that had caused me that pain, and find something that made me want to get out of bed every morning and live my life to the fullest. Something that made me look in the mirror and know the man looking back, and be glad to see him. Something that I just couldn't live without.
Something was standing right in front of me.
"What are you doing?" this something asked. It had come right out of the blue and startled me right into dropping my coffee. But it had been cold anyway, and I wasn't going to drink it. My eyes had grown wide at the sight of this Something. It was golden, and smiling at me as if it knew something amusing that no one else in the world did. I'd missed that smile. So much. n
"You're early," I told him as he sad down next to me.
"Well... yeah. Thought I'd surprise you." I smiled. The ominous shadow that had been lurking behind me shuffled away. Perhaps it too was just so taken by the beauty sitting next to me.
"How'd you find me?" I wanted so badly to touch him, just to hold him. But I felt unfit for that sort of thing. Unworthy even. He needed to know the truth, no matter how much it hurt me to tell him.
"I didn't really. I was just going to the cafe down the street and there you were. I was pretty surprised myself. Didn't think you'd be out by yourself just yet. It's easy to get lost." Alex placed his arm comfortable over the back of the bench as if we did this all the time. Out on our usual stroll through the park.
"Tell me about it. Um, Alex, last night I did something stupid."
"You're doing stupid things all the time, Cy. You got yourself hit by a fucking truck, and didn't I see you getting beat up by one of the mares last week?" He laughed. Perhaps he didn't know me well enough to judge by the look on my face that I had nothing good to say, or perhaps I had unconsciously trained myself not to show those emotions. Whatever the reason he was still smiling and joking didn't matter, but it made it a lot harder to tell him what I had to say. He wasn't prepared, and I was going to have to see that beautiful smile disappear.
"No, something really stupid, and I wish I hadn't. Al, I...I slept with Jack." I didn't offer an explanation like 'I didn't mean for it to happen,' or anything like that. It wouldn't make what I did any less wrong. Alex's smile faded, just like I knew it would but it hurt more than I had imagined, and it was replaced by a look of total shock.
"You what?" The shock was then mixed with disgust.
"I slept with him." I whispered. Why would he make me say it again? Twist the knife a little more, Alex.
He turned away and the arm over the bench back fell to his lap. It was reassuring, though, that he didn't get up to leave. Even if he was just staying to beat the living shit out of me, at least he wasn't running away from it.
"So...do you still love him?" he whispered. I hadn't expected to hear his voice again, but my brain was on stand-by so I didn't jump. I doubted I would have anyway, it was such a soft sound.
"No," I said, my voice conveying more confidence than I thought I even possessed, "I love you. More than anything." He said nothing, but he did look at me. His blue eyes were painfully dull. I knew what he was thinking. 'How can I trust you?' The need to touch him, to make sure he was really there and I hadn't finally gone insane was suddenly over whelming. My hand moved on it's own accord and lay over his. He didn't move. I saw that as a step in the right direction.
"You told me you weren't with him." I was fascinated with the way his pink lips formed the words leaving them, and I almost missed what he'd said.
"How do I know you're not lying to my Cyrus? I want to believe you, but then you go off and act like a total bastard. Then you say you're fucking sorry, I say it's 'ok', and then everything's fine again? Is that how you want this to work?" He yelled at me, though he didn't move his hand away from mine. Maybe he, too, needed the contact?
"No. I act like a bastard, say I'm sorry, and buy you lunch. Maybe I'll cry a little later if I was enough of a bastard. We'll have amazing make up sex then everything will be fine." He looked at me blankly for a minute then began to laugh.
"That's not funny." He said after he had calmed down.
"I know," I said, humoring him.
"That better be a hell of a lunch...maybe dinner too."
"Deal." I say, so relieved I would have bought him the fucking world if it meant being with him. He got up, hand closing around him and pulling me slightly to get me to follow.
"Cy," he said, "I hope you know that if you ever cheat on me again, I'll fucking eat you and you're family. You know that, right?"
"I don't think you could, you're too skinny, but yeah I know."
"Good, because I don't want to get fat."
"Alright, Alex, whatever you say."
A/N: I bet you thought this was dead, didn't you. Well I kinda did too, to tell you the truth. But then, one dark and stormy night, I was in kinda a melancholy mood. So i says to myself "I bet this is how Cy's feelin" and then "oh shit!" so i attacked my lappy. The program actually closed half way though so i had to start over, which sucked but now i'm glad it did. I like this version much better.