Flagellated

numb
deadened
emptied of tears
I stare at the ashes
of dreams broken
by selfishness, ignited
by carelessness, burned
by what I despise – myself.

Lord
do these depths of pain
make You real to me again?
I am too lost, too far from hope,
too dead to even cry.

Yeshua
I am chained unto a stake of blame
my heart is flagellated
spikes of ruined beauty penetrate its flesh
splinters of self-hate tear my soul to shreds
my life is ripped to bleeding pieces
and You
are the only one who
knows.

as You watch me wallow
in the mess of my aborted dreams
do you say
it could have been avoided
if only
I had clung to You?

now
I am forced to
since nothing else is
left.

28.4.04