Pain of the Stars
I'm running, through a hall and out the doors. The wind whips at my body, clad only in a tank top (looking down, I realize it's a halter top, and it's my favorite red one) and paint-splattered jeans. My face is wet, and I can taste the salty tears as they drip into my mouth and down my cheek, staining my top with the wetness. It's cool but not cold, an early spring night. I am the only person outside. The wind blows again, and chills my face. My hair is wet also, not with tears but sweat. I throw myself at the ground, willing myself to miss and fall straight to Hades. But I don't; I land on the cold grass. I turn over and sprawl out in the lawn, staring up into the sky. It is a cloudless night, and the waxing gibbous moon stares right into my face. I didn't even realize he was there until he sat down in front of me.
"You okay?" he asked, as though walking on thin ice.
"Yeah."
"Liar." I sat up and stared straight into his face. "You're not okay. 'I'm just hot' my ass. I'm not as stupid as I seem, you know. Crying and sweating are two different things," he says, shaking his head. I sighed.
"How...how do you know? I'm fine. I promise..."
"I've been there before, Rachel." The way he says my name makes me shiver. "You know, you've made the comparison before. I tried to head off the conversation...they just don't understand. We need it, we can't survive without it. It's an outlet. Their natures are inherently happy. Ours could never be that way." I nodded.
"You're the first person...who ever really understood, you know? They've tried...but they want me to be like them. You're the only one...I've always known it would be you."
"For how long?" he asked, his eyes a question now.
"Since that day, long ago...the day you and I spent together, just talking....the day I told you about it..."
"I wondered then...but it wasn't until it was too late that I realized why I told you everything that day. And I thought...you had your heart set on..."
"I couldn't take him from her. What they have is true love. And he's too nice, too perfect, to be tainted by my darkness," I said, the tears flowing again. He moved beside me, and slowly ran his finger across my face, catching the tears.
"But I?"
"Your color is mine. We can no more taint each other than people like them can save us. We can only save ourselves." He grinned, cynical eyes but an embracing smile. I looked a question at him, motioning to the doors.
"They didn't even understand why you left...no, that's not true. You know which one understood." I nodded. "She's too intelligent, too observant. She's fucking scary, sometimes, how much she knows by looking in your eyes. Think she's a mind reader?" I laughed, truly laughed, and he joined in too. I watched him as he laughed. He stopped, and looked at me.
"I love to see you laugh," I explained. "It's beautiful, the way you light up."
"The same holds for you," he said, and grabbed my wrists, flipping them over to check the undersides. He traced the pink lines with his finger, tracing out words and symbols, and seemed to draw out the pain. He stared at me. "How can you do this to yourself, knowing others can see it?"
"The same way you wear your glassy-eyed ecstasy, your glorious inattention, or terrifying lows. As an accessory." He moved closer to me, and we turned to face each other. I moved back to lie on my stomach, and he sat back on his knees. We just stared into each others eyes for a moment, simply basking in the emotions we shared. The pain and the pleasure, the love and the hate, simply letting it flow over us like water over stone. Then he looks up.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I look up at the sky. Slight clouds have moved in, masking the stars but the moon still shined through.
"Yes - although it looks like rain."
"Don't tell me you've never sat in a rainstorm. I know I have, just..."
"...thinking about it, and how it's as though the tears of the Powers That Be were crying for us, and what we've done to ourselves?" He gasped at me, and I laughed at his shock. "We're the same person; we've both known that forever."
It started as a light drizzle, and we still sat, just thinking, feeling. I was not cold, and I had the feeling that he wasn't either. He laughed, a barking growl that brought me out of my thoughts.
"What?" He shook his head.
"The rain...I can't tell whether you're crying anymore. I hope you're not."
"You cry." It is a statement, defiance, not a question. It was almost rebellious.
"I do. I cried for my life, I cried for my past, I cried for the heart I thought I had lost forever. I cried for a lost love, afraid to be numb forever. It made me sink back into my chemical wall, and turn away from someone who could have benefited from my strength. Rachel..." he whispered, so I had to sit up and lean in to hear what he was saying. "Rachel...I know you stopped. What made you start again?" I felt my eyes water, not from the rain, but from my own sadness. He stood up. "Stand up. Tell me. Don't use the earth to hide; the sky knows it all anyway." I was shocked at the intelligence behind the statement.
"I hoped...that maybe...I could exchange some of my own pain...for that of a friend...hoping to save him..." He embraced me then, breaking the careful walls we'd kept up the whole time. And then it happened - we both came to a conclusion which we should have figured out long ago. And he pressed his lips to mine.
It was gentle yet sensual, and I happily pressed back. He held me tight to him, and then his tongue flicked against my lips. They parted, and hungrily, he slid into my mouth. His hands entwined themselves him my hair, and I ruffled mine against his hair, the gel and glue washed out by the steadily heavier rain. My hands slid down his neck, and ran across his back, simply holding him tight to me, never wanting to let go. I'd waited forever for that to happen and was afraid to wake up from a dream. Our lips finally parted, although our bodies remained pressed to one another. He pushed me away, enough to look into my eyes directly.
"Tell me...tell me you've wanted to do that as long as I have...that I didn't just make the biggest mistake of my life." In response, I held him close to me.
"If it was...it was the best mistake anyone's ever made. If this is a dream I never want to wake up," I murmured into his shoulder, resting my head on him. He brushed my hair with his fingers, gentle and calm again.
"Can you see how fucked up this would be, to anyone else, though? We have to be two of the most mentally fucked up people in the whole goddamn school..."
"They can all go fuck themselves, for all I care. I finally have you and I'm NOT letting you go."
"Don't think for a second I'd let you. But...I know I love you...I have since I met you. I knew we would bond and become great friends..." I raised my eyebrows, although I doubted he could see it between the darkness and the rain.
"Do all great friends hook up outside in the middle of the night, in a rainstorm?" I asked, the smile in my voice.
"I know of two who do," he responded, lifting my head off his shoulder to look at me again.
And we touched again. I don't know how long that kiss lasted, but I know we were perfectly content, just standing there enjoying each other. Even with the rain beating on us and the darkness eating away at our hearts minute by minute, just for that time, the rain seemed to slow and the darkness seemed a bit brighter. The world wasn't so bad, just for a few moments, and that happiness would last us, and bring us from our own dying states. The stars had guided us, after all.
I'm running, through a hall and out the doors. The wind whips at my body, clad only in a tank top (looking down, I realize it's a halter top, and it's my favorite red one) and paint-splattered jeans. My face is wet, and I can taste the salty tears as they drip into my mouth and down my cheek, staining my top with the wetness. It's cool but not cold, an early spring night. I am the only person outside. The wind blows again, and chills my face. My hair is wet also, not with tears but sweat. I throw myself at the ground, willing myself to miss and fall straight to Hades. But I don't; I land on the cold grass. I turn over and sprawl out in the lawn, staring up into the sky. It is a cloudless night, and the waxing gibbous moon stares right into my face. I didn't even realize he was there until he sat down in front of me.
"You okay?" he asked, as though walking on thin ice.
"Yeah."
"Liar." I sat up and stared straight into his face. "You're not okay. 'I'm just hot' my ass. I'm not as stupid as I seem, you know. Crying and sweating are two different things," he says, shaking his head. I sighed.
"How...how do you know? I'm fine. I promise..."
"I've been there before, Rachel." The way he says my name makes me shiver. "You know, you've made the comparison before. I tried to head off the conversation...they just don't understand. We need it, we can't survive without it. It's an outlet. Their natures are inherently happy. Ours could never be that way." I nodded.
"You're the first person...who ever really understood, you know? They've tried...but they want me to be like them. You're the only one...I've always known it would be you."
"For how long?" he asked, his eyes a question now.
"Since that day, long ago...the day you and I spent together, just talking....the day I told you about it..."
"I wondered then...but it wasn't until it was too late that I realized why I told you everything that day. And I thought...you had your heart set on..."
"I couldn't take him from her. What they have is true love. And he's too nice, too perfect, to be tainted by my darkness," I said, the tears flowing again. He moved beside me, and slowly ran his finger across my face, catching the tears.
"But I?"
"Your color is mine. We can no more taint each other than people like them can save us. We can only save ourselves." He grinned, cynical eyes but an embracing smile. I looked a question at him, motioning to the doors.
"They didn't even understand why you left...no, that's not true. You know which one understood." I nodded. "She's too intelligent, too observant. She's fucking scary, sometimes, how much she knows by looking in your eyes. Think she's a mind reader?" I laughed, truly laughed, and he joined in too. I watched him as he laughed. He stopped, and looked at me.
"I love to see you laugh," I explained. "It's beautiful, the way you light up."
"The same holds for you," he said, and grabbed my wrists, flipping them over to check the undersides. He traced the pink lines with his finger, tracing out words and symbols, and seemed to draw out the pain. He stared at me. "How can you do this to yourself, knowing others can see it?"
"The same way you wear your glassy-eyed ecstasy, your glorious inattention, or terrifying lows. As an accessory." He moved closer to me, and we turned to face each other. I moved back to lie on my stomach, and he sat back on his knees. We just stared into each others eyes for a moment, simply basking in the emotions we shared. The pain and the pleasure, the love and the hate, simply letting it flow over us like water over stone. Then he looks up.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" I look up at the sky. Slight clouds have moved in, masking the stars but the moon still shined through.
"Yes - although it looks like rain."
"Don't tell me you've never sat in a rainstorm. I know I have, just..."
"...thinking about it, and how it's as though the tears of the Powers That Be were crying for us, and what we've done to ourselves?" He gasped at me, and I laughed at his shock. "We're the same person; we've both known that forever."
It started as a light drizzle, and we still sat, just thinking, feeling. I was not cold, and I had the feeling that he wasn't either. He laughed, a barking growl that brought me out of my thoughts.
"What?" He shook his head.
"The rain...I can't tell whether you're crying anymore. I hope you're not."
"You cry." It is a statement, defiance, not a question. It was almost rebellious.
"I do. I cried for my life, I cried for my past, I cried for the heart I thought I had lost forever. I cried for a lost love, afraid to be numb forever. It made me sink back into my chemical wall, and turn away from someone who could have benefited from my strength. Rachel..." he whispered, so I had to sit up and lean in to hear what he was saying. "Rachel...I know you stopped. What made you start again?" I felt my eyes water, not from the rain, but from my own sadness. He stood up. "Stand up. Tell me. Don't use the earth to hide; the sky knows it all anyway." I was shocked at the intelligence behind the statement.
"I hoped...that maybe...I could exchange some of my own pain...for that of a friend...hoping to save him..." He embraced me then, breaking the careful walls we'd kept up the whole time. And then it happened - we both came to a conclusion which we should have figured out long ago. And he pressed his lips to mine.
It was gentle yet sensual, and I happily pressed back. He held me tight to him, and then his tongue flicked against my lips. They parted, and hungrily, he slid into my mouth. His hands entwined themselves him my hair, and I ruffled mine against his hair, the gel and glue washed out by the steadily heavier rain. My hands slid down his neck, and ran across his back, simply holding him tight to me, never wanting to let go. I'd waited forever for that to happen and was afraid to wake up from a dream. Our lips finally parted, although our bodies remained pressed to one another. He pushed me away, enough to look into my eyes directly.
"Tell me...tell me you've wanted to do that as long as I have...that I didn't just make the biggest mistake of my life." In response, I held him close to me.
"If it was...it was the best mistake anyone's ever made. If this is a dream I never want to wake up," I murmured into his shoulder, resting my head on him. He brushed my hair with his fingers, gentle and calm again.
"Can you see how fucked up this would be, to anyone else, though? We have to be two of the most mentally fucked up people in the whole goddamn school..."
"They can all go fuck themselves, for all I care. I finally have you and I'm NOT letting you go."
"Don't think for a second I'd let you. But...I know I love you...I have since I met you. I knew we would bond and become great friends..." I raised my eyebrows, although I doubted he could see it between the darkness and the rain.
"Do all great friends hook up outside in the middle of the night, in a rainstorm?" I asked, the smile in my voice.
"I know of two who do," he responded, lifting my head off his shoulder to look at me again.
And we touched again. I don't know how long that kiss lasted, but I know we were perfectly content, just standing there enjoying each other. Even with the rain beating on us and the darkness eating away at our hearts minute by minute, just for that time, the rain seemed to slow and the darkness seemed a bit brighter. The world wasn't so bad, just for a few moments, and that happiness would last us, and bring us from our own dying states. The stars had guided us, after all.