The Moon, As Seen Through A Pine Bough
Silver are the strands of the cobweb that weaves
A halo through the silken leaves.
Gaping, the ice-hole cracks in rows,
A fractal forming a winter rose.
I know somewhere on backseat roads,
Pleasure is handed in empty loads.
I bow and smile thoughtfully;
For this pendulum of ancient time holds me.
A/n: Thanks for picking out the grammatical problems, suckerplucker. I
initially thought that using 'clefts' as a synonym for 'splits' was such a
minor breach of grammar that it wouldn't matter in the spirit of the poem
(keeping in mind that cleft does have a verb form as past tense of cleave,
though if used in that way, the 's' at the end should be left out), but
your criticism made me take a second look and decide that using "cracks in
clefts" is too redundant.
While backseat roads can refer to drug use, its intended meaning is related
to the word pleasure, and the whole subject of the moon. It is rather
opaque, but I feel that it captures the full spirit of the moment. I will
admit the second quatrain seems to have little connection with the first,
but that merely means the reader has never made the connection in her/his
own mind. Also, pendulum is referring to the moon. I know that's not
obvious, as the word moon isn't used anywhere except the title, and maybe
that's a mistake. What does everyone else think? As for weaves, that was
a rather obvious error, but I changed it to refer directly to cobweb and
not strands. Thanks again for the critique! I'm beginning to like this
little poem more. I'd appreciate more advice.
Silver are the strands of the cobweb that weaves
A halo through the silken leaves.
Gaping, the ice-hole cracks in rows,
A fractal forming a winter rose.
I know somewhere on backseat roads,
Pleasure is handed in empty loads.
I bow and smile thoughtfully;
For this pendulum of ancient time holds me.
A/n: Thanks for picking out the grammatical problems, suckerplucker. I
initially thought that using 'clefts' as a synonym for 'splits' was such a
minor breach of grammar that it wouldn't matter in the spirit of the poem
(keeping in mind that cleft does have a verb form as past tense of cleave,
though if used in that way, the 's' at the end should be left out), but
your criticism made me take a second look and decide that using "cracks in
clefts" is too redundant.
While backseat roads can refer to drug use, its intended meaning is related
to the word pleasure, and the whole subject of the moon. It is rather
opaque, but I feel that it captures the full spirit of the moment. I will
admit the second quatrain seems to have little connection with the first,
but that merely means the reader has never made the connection in her/his
own mind. Also, pendulum is referring to the moon. I know that's not
obvious, as the word moon isn't used anywhere except the title, and maybe
that's a mistake. What does everyone else think? As for weaves, that was
a rather obvious error, but I changed it to refer directly to cobweb and
not strands. Thanks again for the critique! I'm beginning to like this
little poem more. I'd appreciate more advice.