No Feeding


"The sheep-colored sheep looked at me. The sheep-colored eyes met my own for an instance before they fell upon the brown paper bag in my hand.
"It cocked its head; the heavy, sheep-colored horns tilted with the elephantine mass of wool that surrounded the innocently blank face. I know what you are thinking," I said without looking up. "You're thinking 'The animal has horns, which is a distinctive characteristic of rams, making it very ram-like.' But you are wrong. The sheep-colored coat of the beast makes it a sheep-- nothing more, nothing less." I took a momentary pause and then continued.
The sheep took a step closer. It raised its sheepish face to the brown paper bag; its sheep-sized nostrils sniffled curiously. I smiled and held the bag out closer, hoping to examine the wool-covered vertebrate more closely. After all, that was why I was there.
"The sheep remained entranced by the paper bag. I pulled the bag closer to myself, expecting the sheep to follow. But in response to this innocent gesture, the sheep opened its mouth and frowned. Yes, I kid you not, ladies and gentlemen. It gave me a look of pure malice, a look I never thought capable of a sheep-colored sheep.
"And then, with a roar more frightening than any sound made by an able-bodied lion, it ate my hand!"
I held my hand in the air. The entire room took in a collective breath as they gasped dramatically at the sight of the abrupt stump that replaced the graceful fingers that once resided at the end of my arm. I brought my arm down and brushed thin air as my good hand instinctively reached out to pacify the tingling in my phantom limbs.
"At the sight of the blood-colored fluid flowing freely from my newly-formed stump, I promptly passed out. I was told that my horrifying screams scared the sheep away and prevented it from devouring the rest of my body. I was in such a shock at my own loss, that I hadn't even realized the excruciating pain 'til I was sitting on the hospital bed..." I trailed off and inhaled deeply, unwilling to meet the calculating gaze of my audience.
"Is that all??" asked the Judge-like man on the platform.
I looked up at his Judge-colored eyes blankly. "Uhh... yes, your Honor. I suppose that is all."
I took my seat calmly and tried to push my chair in. It was an awkward task that presented me with a great challenge because of my present condition. My right had pulled part of the chair in, while the left side of the chair fell behind and hit my useless stump. Finally, my three-hundred-dollar lawyer, who had remained unnoticed for the entire hearing, stood up and pushed my chair in, leaving me feeling more uncomfortable than I had felt the moment before.
The Judge cleared his throat and said in his booming Judge-like voice, "After hearing both accounts of the sheep-incident, I hereby charge Mr. Wallaby a fine of ten thousand dollars for deliberately alluring and feeding the sheep at Jon's Petting Zoo in a 'No Feeding' zone and thereby being responsible for the death of the said sheep." The Judge filled his deflated lungs and continued. "Aside from the ten thousand dollar fine, Mr. Wallaby must also serve hundred hours of manual labor at the said petting zoo. Court is now dismissed."
The Judge gave a Judge-like nod and swung the mallet in a Judge-like thunk that reaffirmed the finality of his decision.

A/N: It's a bit… odd, to say the least. I wanted to keep the irony a bit subtle (felt it worked better that way). Your opinions?