It was the last days of winter
And I was leaving this tiny hell for good,
Clearing out the cupboard
I found my old diary
The old tattered one
The one I kept when I was still a young girl
An innocent child,
Not knowing what the world was like then.
I realized what a fool that I had been
As I flipped through the yellowing pages
Falling apart
Not everything's like what I think
Not everything's the way I want it to be
And I've got to face up to that.
There was a reason to abandon this diary
Full of innocence
Full of childish foolishness
It hadn't done me any good to wade in it.
Maybe I should have just stuck to my old beliefs
Instead of starting a fresh new diary
But would I have survived, then?
Yet it all seemed so simple then
It was just the world, me
My friends, me
My family, me
Enemies? They were just the people you didn't quite fancy.
Now that word holds different meaning.
There isn't that clear line between friends and enemies anymore
You've got to see it for yourself
And trust your own instincts to take you to the right path.
And if you regret it, too bad
It was your own choice, after all.
I flipped through the diary
Right to the last entry
And then I realized
Down to the last word, there was that same innocence
Same foolishness.
Next page
It was blank
When did I start realizing the world wasn't heaven?
I'll never know.
None of the pages were dated
Not even the last one.
I stood there
Staring at the blank page
It was the last page in the diary, and it was blank.
What was I thinking then?
I'll never know.
There's no point in keeping something that was never completed
Yet... my fingers tightened around the brittle spine of the diary
Something told me I had to complete it
What was I thinking then?
When I left that page blank.
I picked up a pencil
And mimicked my old childish handwriting in a feeble attempt
Maybe there was still hope to revive the child in me.
To think in that same foolish, naïve way
Maybe I wouldn't survive
But at least I would have lived my life to the fullest.
The winter closed in around me slowly
And still
I kept on writing
And writing.