Kissing. An action that could lead to more. Kissing was an action Jerrica rarely performed. Jerrica had trust issues and she had to tear that wall down before a friendship was attempted, let alone a kiss.
Jerrica had always had a bond with music, more so than people. She could release herself with her pacing, but she didn't trust herself to release herself with people. If she told anyone about the knife or about the episodes, she was sure she'd be put in an insane institution.
Every day, she went to the band room at school. Her cousin, Tina, was in the colour guard, and she hung out by the band room. Tina had been her only friend at her school until Tina ditched Jerrica continually without the slightest hint of an explanation.Jerry sat down and flicked on her CD player. It was better than thinking about being alone. Jerrica caressed her thigh lightly. That cut had gone deeper than she meant for it. Probably going to leave a scar, Jerrica thought.
As usual, Tina was nowhere around. She wouldnever seek out Jerry. Of course, neither did Lonni. Jerry was always the one to make contact. She was the one dialing, the one emailing, the one crying. Tina never called Jerry. Unless she craved something, Tina was so busy wrapped up in her own high school troubles, she never noticed Jerry.
Jerry shook her head. That's not true, soothed Jack from inside her mind. Tina loves you. She isn't ignoring you.
She is ignoring you, just like Lonni, snarled her low self-esteem. She doesn't want to talk to you. Why would anyone want to talk to you?
Jerry closed her eyes and rested her head backward. She didn't really want to do this today. She didn't want to do it any day, let alone at school.
They talk to you because they love you.
Because they love to use you.
No, Jerry, tried Jack. They love you for who you are and what you stand for. They love you for loving them and for being yourself.
Ignore that…We both know what I'm saying is true.
You've never been yourself, Jerrica.
Jerry shook her head. Why would they love her for being her? She was an annoying bitch with too many problems. She would never understand Jack's logic. She always was angry or crying, and Tina had left her because of it.
Think about Brett…
He left because he's Brett. That wasn't your fault.
"It was my fault Jack," she whispered. She pushed her blonde hair in front of her face. She didn't want to deal with this. Not now, not ever.
As her thoughts raced through her head, Madeline trotted down the stairs and over to the band room. Madeline tried the doorknob to find it was only locked. She looked over at Jerrica.
Jerrica hadn't noticed Madeline come over, nor did she care. She knew of Madeline, but the two had never become anything more than acquaintances, which was perfectly fine with Jerry.
Jerrica groaned and ran a hand down her pale cheek and then across her thigh. God, that hurts, she thought. I knew I would regret it later. Madeline watched her with intent eyes before looking quizzical.
"Jerry?" she asked softly.
Jerry poped her eyes open and stared at Madeline. Madeline stood only about 5'3". She had dark brown hair with a slight tint of red and deep, searching, brown eyes. Jerry pulled her headphones off and slid them into her backpack.
"Yeah Maddie?" she asked in response.
"Are you feeling alright?"
"I'm perfectly fine," lied Jerry. Wow, she was getting skilled at acting.
"Oh," came Maddie's reply. The two fidgeted quietly for a couple of minutes in threatening silence. "Do you know when the band teacher's coming back?" asked Madeline, more or less to break the silence.
Jerrica stood. "No, I haven't seen him today."
"I really need to talk to him," she said quietly.
"I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help." Jerrica looked over Madeline. Maddie's short hair was clipped to keep out of her face. The blush was hit her shade just right, but didn't cover a single freckle. Her shirt hung on her shoulders, low enough to show cleavage, but not low enough to look sluttish. Maddie's skirt rested on her hips and ended at her kneed and her flip-flops were delicately slipped on.
Maddie smiled. "I was absent for two days this week, and I really needed to know how to make up this note test. I'm in music theory, by the way."
"You always seemed like a musical type of person," responded Jerrica. She felt really uncomfortable all of a sudden. Maddie looked Jerrica over.
"I like your tennis," said Madeline.
She's so sweet, chimed Jack in Jerry's head. Jerrica nodded.
"Thank you. I like your butterfly pins," she said meekly, motioning to the clips in Maddie's hair. Maddie smiled and stepped over to Jerrica.
If there was one thing Jerrica would never notice, it was how close people came to her. She loved to talk with her hands, and she always touched whomever she was talking to. Jerrica blamed it on learning sign language at such a young age.
Jerrica looked up to find that Madison was only about a foot away from her. Jerry widened her eyes and swallowed. God, she thought. She's gotten very close all of a sudden.
Maddie leaned forward a little. "Jerrica, you look very nice today. Was that planned for something, or just for the hell of it?" Jerrica laughed nervously and looked down.
She was wearing her nice slacks and a semi-decent shirt. "I didn't even realize that I had dressed up," she answered. "I just grabbed a pair of pants and a shirt. Then I pray that they match as I'm walking out the door." Jerrica laughed again, a little less nervous now.
"So it was a sporadic thing?" Jerry nodded. "Do you prefer Jerry or Jerrica?"
"Whatever you call me is fine," she said. Maddie nodded.
Out of the blue, Maddie pushed Jerrica against the wall. Jerrica tilted her head to the side in confusion.
Somehow, she didn't know how, but Maddie's lips were in contact with Jerry's. Jerry didn't understand. She could not comprehend what happened.
Maddie pulled away, but kissed her again, this time a little harder. Jerrica had nowhere to go. How many times had she been kissed? But this was different. Maddie was kissing her.
Maddie intensified the kiss by running her tongue over Jerry's bottom lip. Jerry didn't know why, but she parted her mouth. Maddie's tongue slipped into Jerrica's mouth slowly. Jerrica raised her tongue slightly and touched Maddie's.
The touch sent shivers down Jerry's spine. Maddie ran a hand down Jerrica's torso, lightly grazing over her breasts for a second. Jerrica closed her eyes and leaned into Maddie. For some reason, she wanted more. She couldn't comprehend why, but she stroked Maddie's short hair. Maddie sensed this and kissed more urgently.
Jerry stepped back, gasping for breath. "Maddie…" she said quietly.
Maddie stepped to the other side of the hallway. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I forgot that you weren't like that." Without another word, Maddie whirled around and scampered up the stairs. Jerry stared after her confused.
She touched her lips lightly and looked at the ground. Oh my God, I just made-out with a girl, was the only thought running through her head.
It's fine, Jerrica, tried Jack. You're okay.
It's not okay because now everyone's going to disown you, snorted the little voice.
The bell rand and she looked around. Jerry shook her head. She didn't understand what just happened or why she let it happen. I'm never telling anyone about this, she convinced herself.
She grabbed her stuff, still dazed, and rushed the opposite direction to her class.