I don't want you.

It was bad enough she repeated it.
The first time, an outburst,
The heat of the moment - I ignored it.
But months later, arguing,
It burst out again.

This time
It sounded as though
-Not just that she meant it,
It wasn't quite that,
I could be mistaken in that.
But unmistakeable relief on her angry face
Like she'd been bursting to say it
For so long.
How long?
I freeze.
She sits in silence.
Not quite the perfect moment, but it's out now,
She thinks, and she repeats it, voice shaking.
She will not look me in the eye,
Willing herself to be strong.
And I can feel my eyes scouring her face, desperately
For a hint of remorse.
Anything I can take to be she didn't mean it.

Eventually I turn and leave the kitchen.
The house seems unreal now it is not my home.
Walk slowly to my room (not mine anymore),
Then slump on the floor, back to the radiator.
Precious warmth.
My hand over my mouth, I sob silently.

In the days that followed,
Telling my friends, my teacher, youth adviser, social workers,
I have time to reflect.
How worthless must a child be
For unconditional love to die.

It was bad enough she repeated it - again
Still worse it repeated in my head, again and again.
5 years later, it echoes on.