Broken Dolls Chpt 9: Acceptance
By Knightmare Elite
Mikka wrapped her arms around Anala sleeping so soothingly. Even in such a cozy manner, Mikka had the most somber feeling. She squeezed the plush body once more releasing an elated breath.
"You're so quiet this morning I thought you enjoyed it," Mikka daintily questioned. She kissed Anala's sweet lips tasting…sweat. Her eyes immediately opened seeing the pillow before her. To her dismay, Mikka released her grip on the full body pillow.
"Well she seemed real in the dream," Mikka whined examining the pillow.
There were various spots of moisture on the middle and bottom half. Mikka shamefully draped the blanket over the pillow.
"Damn I've got to get me one of these pillows," Mikka noted.
It wasn't immediately apparent what she had done. Still it was embarrassing if housekeeping noticed. She reached for the phone and called room service.
"Hello, can you make me a cheese mango soufflé with a large glass of orange juice," Mikka asked feeling unusually famished.
"That's a rather unusual request but we'll get right on it," The attendant informed.
"Ok just send it up I might be in the bathroom. If I don't answer just leave it. Please try not to make any noise. I like to enjoy my baths in peace. Oh and can you call me a limo. I want it here in an hour I'm going out," Mikka warned before hanging up.
Still half asleep, Mikka grabbed a complimentary robe and ventured to the palace like bathroom. She turned on the water and practically fell inside. As much as she didn't want to think about it; Mikka finished all her stalling. There was now nothing between her and her father.
"God today's gonna suck," Mikka groaned sinking into the water. She rose to the top tossing a leg over the side. Roaming a soapy hand over her teeny breasts she groaned. Her sadness over Anala was beginning to piss her off. It seriously annoyed her how her thoughts barely strayed. She loved Anala that wasn't the issue. What bothered her was how obsessively she loved Anala.
After her boyfriend left her, Mikka depended on no one's love but her own. Now fighting to keep her thoughts sane of Anala; Mikka wondered as to why she felt this way. Maybe it was the fact she hadn't been in a relationship in so long. It bothered her but at the same time comforted her. Mikka loved the feeling of being in love. It made her smile to think about what she and Anala shared. However even with all their love and happiness; neither can deny the founding basis of their love.
From opposite ends of the earth each girl rose. Battered, beaten and bruised both emotionally and physically. Within their detestable pasts, was the conjoining key to such a pleasant future. It should be pleasant they should be happy but why is each girl alone? Mikka slowly felt depression setting in. Yet another emotion she loathed. Depression was her silent friend for many years. Falling deeper into the pits of self doubt, Mikka closed her eyes. With all remaining resources she tried to concentrate on happiness. In her mind's eye she saw those gleaming green eyes.
As if by some magical potion Mikka's heart felt at ease. The sadness went away and she calmed. Opening her eyes she frowned knowing the truth.
"I'm hopelessly in love with her," Mikka murmured.
The faint sound of the closing door could be heard from the other room.
"Good breakfast is here," Mikka cheered getting out of the tub.
Walking over to gold plated full length mirror she stopped. Mikka did a variety of naughty poses. She pinched her nipples a few times awakening them. With a cocky smile Mikka looked over her slender statuesque form. Slicking her hair back, she blew herself a kiss and exited. Upon entering the room the icy air attacked her naked body.
"Shit was it this cold in here all the time," Mikka screamed running back for her robe.
A lone cart stood by the door with a two covered dishes. She strolled to the cart removing the first dish. There before her was a fluffy cheese and mango soufflé. It looked almost too good to eat. Then again if it weren't for Anala, she wouldn't even consider such a dish. Placing the fork in the center it sank releasing a stream of steam. The exotic scent of melting mango's invaded her nostrils.
She dug the fork in deeper pulling out a sizable chunk. Bringing it to her mouth the aroma grew stronger. Passing over her tongue, Mikka felt the gummy cheese dissolve. As she took it in the taste was similar to Anala's but a little off. Still Mikka was hungry and intended to finish her breakfast. However it still wasn't as sweet as when Anala made it. She removed the second dish revealing a chilled pitcher of orange juice.
"Now really did they need to cover this up? It's fucking orange juice," Mikka said in annoyance.
As she ate her mind ran over through her plan for the day. It was to simply get through this without a breakdown. After finishing her breakfast, Mikka stood up with a well needed stretch. She brushed her teeth and packed up her suitcase. The dress however brought her much sadness. Mikka simply didn't want to wear it. She knew it would make her want to cry. It was painful thinking back to the last time she was with him. It was all so sudden and all she could think of was what she said to him. Those three words that so malevolently rolled off her tongue, 'You fucking asshole.'
Dressing in a sky blue mini skirt, matching midriff shirt and tennis shoes, Mikka zipped the suitcase. Grabbing it and the dress she left the room. As she was checking out, Mikka unfortunately forgot her 'disguise'. The patrons recognized and nearly mobbed her. Luckily security led her to the waiting limo.
"I'm going to the airport um Terminal three," Mikka told he driver.
He sped off as she opened the refrigerator. She examined the contents out of boredom. Inside was a chilled bottle of Cardinere. A drink would certainly ease Mikka. Still she knew it wasn't the right way to handle things. Anala had finally gotten her to stop drinking. It would almost feel like a betrayal to take that savory drink. Closing the refrigerator, Mikka sat back in the seat enjoying the ride.
Twenty minutes later they pulled into the terminal. Mikka was escorted to first class. Again having a seat in a cushy chair, Mikka put on the headphones and tried to sleep. Unfortunately the sweet soufflé kept her wired. Every now and then she caught eyes with two young girls. They didn't look over 13 if even and simply stared at Mikka in awe.
It was apparent they were admiring her. Mikka removed her headphones turning to their direction. They quickly looked away having a pretend conversation. She smiled and waved to them. Slowly one of the blushing girls waved back. Having nothing better to do, Mikka walked over to them.
"Hello girls, I couldn't help noticing you staring at me. Is something wrong," Mikka asked.
"Oh my god I can't believe you're right in front of us. You're so beautiful just like in the pictures," the girl said trying to catch her breath.
"That's sweet of you but don't judge me by a picture. I'm not beautiful I just look that way. So tell me what your names are," Mikka asked.
"…I'm Megan and this is my best friend Cindy," Megan nervously explained.
"Well those are pretty names. I thought I'd say hello since you couldn't stop staring," Mikka admitted.
"I'm sorry we didn't mean to stare. It's just that you're so beautiful. I want to be a model like you when I turn 16. Cindy's already been in a commercial. We're going to an audition in New Jersey for a jeans commercial. Can you give us any tips," Megan asked.
Mikka looked at the prepubescent dolls with unabridged remorse. What the girls wanted to hear, Mikka couldn't tell them. Of course she wanted to say 'don't worry you'll do fine'. In reality Mikka knew the modeling world was a big fuck over. It took more than a pretty face to get noticed. There were many aspects of one's persona taken into consideration. It was on a basis of how much money could be made off these girls. What about them that would make people care, desire them or give a shit.
The girls noticed Mikka's perturbed expression. Their faces saddened in near accordance. Mikka smiled lightly holding their hands. They blushed at her soft touch yet held their composure.
"Look girls you're very pretty but also very young. Don't jump into the whole modeling thing head on. You have so much ahead of you and this is only one option. Yes it can bring you fame and fortune but at what cost. Are you prepared to give up your friends, family and social lives? Listen to me, enjoy your youth. Make every day as if it were your last. These are the most precious times of your lives. You're completely care free, unbounded fledging in your budding beauty.
These are the days five years from now you'll remember. You'll wish you could run back to this very moment. Even if you don't get this job, take the time to enjoy your lives. You're only young once and don't waste it trying to grow up. Now I would give you an autograph or something but I don't have any. So this will have to do," Mikka concluded with a smile.
Looking into Megan's eyes, Mikka drew forward kissing her gently on the cheek. She burned with embarrassment as Mikka did the same to Cindy. All around Mikka could hear whispers and envious groans. The girls thanked her now unable to make eye contact from embarrassment. Mikka on the other hand found their fidgety blushes cute.
She returned to her seat amongst a few whistles. Feeling a little better, Mikka again put on her headphones and had a nice nap. Some time later she was awoken as the plane touched down. Rather the jerking forward of her body woke her. Mikka yawned loudly. She removed her suitcase from the overhead compartment. Megan and Cindy waved goodbye as they left. Mikka smiled at her little fans.
Inside the airport, she retrieved her dress and hailed a taxi to her mom's house. After all showing up in a limo would be a little daunting. As she got out of the taxi, Mikka stood at the driveway of her former home. The two story yellow and brown home of her past. This very building brought forth the events creating Mikka. Yet it as here that Myrika was born. Walking those chipped steps, Mikka wondered. What could she possibly say to her mother? It's been so long that they've been face to face.
Mikka brought her hand to the door and knocked feeling the anguish. Again she knocked and waited. Slowly the door opened. A slightly overweight African American woman stood in the doorway. Dressed in a stained apron she smiled through her few wrinkles. The alluring scent of chicken and apple pie radiated behind her. The woman smiled and opened her arms. The tears ran down Mikka's cheeks as she fell into the embrace.
If felt so comforting to once again feel the embrace of that plump body. It was as if time stood still. Everything that bothered her melded into one simple emotion. Only one woman could ever make Mikka feel this way. Truly safe, appreciated and loved beyond mercy. Not even with all her love, caring and affection could Anala replace this woman. Absolving any self doubt she continued crying. Feeling the loving warmth of the body spread her, Mikka smiled through the tears.
"Momma," was all Mikka could say through her emotional exhaustion.
"Now is that all you're gonna say to me," Mikka's mother asked in her sincere southern accent.
Mikka released her grip and looked teary eyed at her mother. She looked the same as Mikka remembered. Well maybe a little heavier but she still looked so warm. She stepped aside allowing Mikka access. She picked up her suitcase and dress entering.
"I'm really glad you came honey. I really thought you wouldn't even show up. Everyone's been so worried about you these past few days. We heard about what happened to um Anala is it? That's a strange name for a girl. Anyway make yourself comfortable. I wanna talk with you a while," her mother advised.
Mikka sat upright with hands on her knees. It was more a subconscious act than habitual manner. As a child, Mikk's mother drilled proper etiquette into her children. Such formal behavior was strictly reserved for required times. This time, being one of them as she awaited her mother's return.
As casual as Mikka's relationship was with her mother; she was still forbidden from calling her by her name. Esmeralda was a beautiful name Mikka so loved. It sounded so mysterious. She wished it were her name instead of Myrika. Still it was better than some of those fucked up; "black pride names" kids were currently sporting.
Mikka was taken aback by the sudden intrusion of lovely aromas. She shook her head trying to focus her thoughts. The smell tapped at her restraints as it was her weakness. For everything within her, Mikka couldn't resist her mother's cooking.
"Well damn girl you need to put some meat on those bones. People would never believe this toothpick is my daughter," Esmeralda joked placing two plates before Mikka.
One plate held a large slice of homemade apple pie. Stream shot out all angles as a thick slice of apple oozed onto the plate. The top was decorated with caramel swirls. Mikka's mouth watered at such a tasty treat. However her senses went into full force at the other place. A giant golden brown chicken breast seasoned to perfection. Such great food…so fattening and unhealthy…but how could she resist? Her waning willpower was all but naught as the brought the breast to her lips.
Mikka sank her teeth down into the tender meat absorbing the full flavor. Even with all of Constantine's talent in the kitchen, she couldn't touch Esmeralda. It was so good she tried to pace her self to enjoy every morsel.
"Do you want some more," Esmeralda asked.
Mikka, lost in train of thought looked at the bone in her hands. She shamefully nodded not even realizing she devoured it. Wiping the grease off her mouth, Mikka tried a piece of the pie.
"Oh yes," She moaned tasting the sweet cinnamon encased apple delight.
The flaky crust melted on her tongue like rich chocolate. If only Mikka could eat like this everyday. Well when she thought about it Constantine could make it possible. Mikka never let her guard down this much. Even with her ridiculously high metabolism, she still felt self conscious about over eating. Still as she looked at the now empty plates she sighed. An unruly burp escaped her mouth. Mikka suddenly looked around then quietly said, "excuse me". It amazed her how all these subconscious mannerisms suddenly awoke.
Her mother returned with another plate holding two more pieces of chicken. She set it down in front of Mikka sliding the other two away. Mikka frowned at the calories before her. Even so it would take a gun to her head to make her resist.
"You know baby there's one thing I've really wanted to ask you. Ever since you told me that you're in love with this girl. Look you know how I feel about homosexuality. Still you are my daughter and I will always love you no matter what. For your ignorant mother's sake please answer me this question. What in the hell made you fall in love with a girl. Not even that but a white girl," Esmeralda asked.
Mikka set down the bones in the plate and contemplated just how to answer. It wasn't easy to explain exactly why and how she came to love Anala. Fortunately her mother obviously knew Mikka's half of the story. Anala's half just seemed a little disturbing. Mikka took a deep breath letting her heart do the talking.
"Momma, I know you're expecting a detailed answer about why I love Anala. But the truth is there are too many reasons to list. Just thinking about her makes my heart flutter; I get goose bumps thinking about seeing her again. Little things like when I'm sleeping and feel her next to me. When I wake up she's lying across from me. Kissing her soft lips makes me feel so calm. At the same times it makes my heart want to pop out of my chest. I love hearing her say those three little words.
I don't have to feel alone and depressed anymore momma. She understands what I've been through. She cares about me and above all she loves me. Anala's my best if not only friend. She even got me to stop drinking. I'm sorry momma I can't give you that great answer you wanted. All I can do is go on about what I feel for her.
Does it really matter that she's white? Love has no boundaries with race, creed, and sex. All that matters is that I love her and she loves me. Why can't you just accept that," Mikka quietly answered.
"I didn't mean it to come out that way baby. All I want is for you to be happy. You had such a depressing childhood. Now look at you; you've blossomed into a beautiful swan. Even if I don't approve of my daughter being a lesbian; I won't turn my back on you. You're my baby and always will be. Still it's too bad your girlfriend couldn't make it. I would have at least liked to have met her. Does she treat you good," Esmeralda asked.
"Of course she treats me good momma. I'm sure you've heard what happened to her two days ago. She did that for me. I asked her because I wanted to spice up the relationship. Not that it needed any spicing but I was just curious. She agreed with no qualms. To go through such a personal act with a complete stranger. I still can't believe she would go that far just to make me happy. At first I thought of it as a joke. The more I imagined her getting pierced the more turned on I was. As it turns out she had a dangerous allergic reaction to the damn ring.
I brought her so much pain. I almost wanted to throw up. She was crying out in pain and bleeding so badly. All I did was stand there like a dumbass. The truth is I was so afraid to even touch her. I didn't want to hurt her anymore. Through all that, Anala still told me not to worry. Its times like that when she can be strong for the both of us. That makes me love her even more. Momma I'm not sorry that I've fallen in love with a woman. What I am sorry about is that daddy can't meet her. I really wanted him to see what I've become. I wanted him to know that even for all he did; I came out to become someone," Mikka said overcome with guilt.
"Baby I see you really do love this Anala. Well everyone saw the news report about her incident. I'm terribly sorry about that. It was an accident Myrika. How were you supposed to know her body would reject it? I swear I won't pass judgment on her anymore. I see now that she's had a profound effect on you. You really have to bring her here one day. I'd love to meet her and we can have a nice family dinner. I don't even know what she looks like. They didn't show her on the news only talked about it. Do you have a photo of her," Esmeralda asked.
Mikka thought for a second and gave a nervous look. She did in fact have a picture that she kept in her wallet. It was of her and Anala sleeping in her pool. Marian had snapped it with her digital camera. Constantine scolded her for spying but Mikka thought the picture was cute. Constantine printed two copies and she kept one. Mikka reluctantly nodded her head and retrieved her picture.
The embarrassment was too much not even able to look at her mother. Quietly she slid the picture face down across the couch. Esmeralda picked it up and gasped. Mikka swallowed hard feeling her ears burn with embarrassment.
"Aww you two look so cute together. I have to admit she's very pretty in a strange sort of way. Anala even has the same lanky body like you. You look like two twisted pretzels. From the looks of things you're very comfortable around each other. She's not a Satan worshiper is she? Her hair is almost blood red that's very rare. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I really like this picture. It looks so honest and you're so happy. You almost never smile except in pictures. Still I'd rather see you with a handsome young man. You know there are plenty of single young men who would die to date you," Esmeralda suggested.
"Momma I'm gay. I love Anala and nothing will change that," Mikka sulked.
"I'm just kidding baby. It's so hard to joke with you; you're always so high strung. I'd never in a million years imagine one of my daughters turning gay. It almost feels like a slap in the face. Maybe this is that whole karma coming back at me. Was it my fault baby? Did I have anything to do with you liking girls," Esmeralda asked with concern.
"Momma don't think that. This had nothing to do with you. It's a decision I made on my own. This is just who I am and everyone just has to accept it. I can't hide from the truth anymore momma. I'm a lesbian and I'm in love with Anala. There's so much about myself that I don't understand. I want to learn so that I can truly be what I am. It's so confusing but the only thing that isn't are my feelings for Anala. I know this one thing to be true. Please don't feel ashamed this has nothing to do with you," Mikka direly explained.
"I'm not ashamed of you sweetheart. This is just a hard adjustment for me. After all these years of raising you in the church; it almost feels like I've failed you. But when I look at this picture and see the joy on your face; maybe just maybe this is god's way of redemption. You know sweetie there's just one thing I've always wondered. You've been with so many men in your short time. What's it like dating a woman, are there any differences," Esmeralda asked.
"Well it's like dating an emotionally unstable guy with a pussy. I mean Anala's a human being. She eats, sleeps and poops like everyone else; what more can I say. I can talk to her about anything and we share everything. It's kind of the relationship I wish I had with dad," Mikka shrugged.
"I figured you'd say something like that. After all these years, I've come to realize we're all flesh and bone. As much as it bothers me, love is love no matter how you look at it. I'm sure your father would have been delighted to see you in a positive light. Speaking of which let me see your dress," Esmeralda asked motioning to the leather bag draped on the couch.
Mikka leaned over and zipped down the bag. Regretfully she removed the long black dress. A lovely sleek body hugging custom fitted sleek black dress. She handed it to her mother who inspected and nodded in approval. Mikka retrieved the matching black heels as well. It was almost painful taking out the ensemble. Its purpose was pay respects to the one person she had very little for.
"Don't look like that. How many times do I have to tell you it wasn't your fault? No one can control when they're gonna die. It was just his time. Even if his life ended on tragic circumstances; he did it for you. Why can't you just accept the fact that he did love you? Even if he had the absolute worse way of showing it; deep down Joe did care," Esmeralda consoled.
"It's hard momma. I mean we were yelling at each other on the sidewalk. He was complaining about me having sex with my boyfriend. He…said it made him sick to be associated with such things. I didn't want to hear his mouth anymore. His words were like daggers piercing my heart. I turned away from his acid laced tongue towards the crosswalk. If only I had paid attention and not have been such a brat.
It's not fair momma why did it have to end like that. If I had kept my goddamn mouth shut he'd still be here. It was so suddenly you know. I turned around and called him a fucking asshole. The look on her face was pure terror. The next thing I knew he ran full speed towards me. I was so afraid; I actually thought he was going to hit me in broad daylight. Instead he pushed me out of the way. I stood there so afraid when the ambulance arrived. The paramedics did their best to resuscitate him. He flat lined on the way to the hospital. The guilt was too much. If I hadn't been born to piss him off, then he would be at your side right now. I'm sorry momma for causing you to loose daddy," Mikka wept.
"Myrika Josephine Bellamy stop that bullshit talking this minute. I'm sick and tired of telling you his death was not your fault. Simply put, when your number is up there's nothing you can do. It was just Joe's time and he made his amends with you. The least you can do is make yours with him. It's been four years now, why can't you let it go. I have and so has your sister, just accept the fact he is gone," Esmeralda demanded.
"But momma it's hard to just let it go. Even though he's not my biological father; he's still the only father I know. For that alone I love him somewhat, but hate him the same way. It's the circumstances of his death that tear me in both directions. Still I came here today on an act of absolution. I want to get on with my life now. I want to be with Anala and this is all that stands in my way. …I have to do this momma. Even without her, I have to speak my peace with daddy," Mikka said wiping her face.
Esmeralda drew Mikka close consoling her in a warm embrace.
"There, there baby. Everything's going to be alright momma's here for you," Esmeralda whispered as Mikka cried softly into her shoulder.
"I'm so grateful to have you momma. I know many times I've taken you for granted but I really love you," Mikka said quietly.
"I know baby I know. Even though I know you resent him; you shouldn't leave out Joe. I'll admit under the circumstances I did hurt him. I was stupid to have an affair. It was his constant hours at work and excessive drinking. I was so lonely at home and had no one to even talk to. It was just me and your sister; she was just a baby then.
It was then I met your father during a walk in the park. It was innocent at first just little talks here and there. Then it slowly became steadier as I lowered my guard. The next thing I knew we were in his bed having sex. He had to go to work afterwards. I sat in the bed crying for what I had done. We only had sex that one time but it was devastating. I couldn't do that to Joe anymore; I wanted our marriage to work. So I broke it off with your father and explained to him I was married. He was pissed to say the least and wanted nothing to do with me.
A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with you. I couldn't tell Joe about you. It was hard enough telling him I had an affair. He wasn't ready to handle something that big. I knew if I told him about you; he would have made me abort you. I don't care if the baby was a product of cheating; you deserved to live. I would never be selfish enough to deny you a chance of life. Every one of god's creatures deserves to experience the wonders of existence.
You know all throughout the pregnancy he thought you were his. However when you were two I broke the news to him. He had his suspicious being that you were so skinny and all. He resented the fact he had to care for a child that wasn't his. Believe me when I say this baby, he didn't hate you. For all the bad things you remember him for; he was a good father to you. He taught you to ride your bike, read to you every night when you were a baby; he actually cried when you said your first words daddy.
He still did many things in which I cannot defend. I'm sorry for that but he chose to deal with problems in his manner. He was an extremely hard working provider. All he wanted was to protect and support his family. Many times Joe referred to you as a charity case. Even so he never missed a birthday. He paid your way to the prom including the limo. For all he took away from you baby; you have to think deep down about what he gave you.
Unfortunately it's the bad memories of him that you will always remember. I'm so sorry I couldn't have made your life better. It's just that without him we wouldn't have made it. I know you're always going to resent him. Deep down I know you have a spot for him in your heart. I can't force you to forgive him but I ask that you try to," Esmeralda somberly explained.
"I don't know momma it's hard. I want to move on; but there's so much I wish I could say to him. So many emotions I have pent up in me. I just want to speak my peace with him. Now all I can do is talk to a gravestone," Mikka cried.
"Don't think that way Myrika. Go and speak Joe will hear you. Even if he's not physically here anymore; your words will reach him. God has a way of closing all wounds. Why don't you get some rest? Go on up to your room. I've kept it nice and clean. I'll bring you some more pie later on alright sweetie," Esmeralda suggested.
"Wait there's one more thing I have to give you. I'm not taking no for an answer," Mikka warned.
Mikka reached into her purse and pulled out a small folded piece of paper. Her mother frowned at the sight. She was a proud woman never asking anything from her children. Even so Mikka constantly helped her out. It was a constant battle each time, but Mikka couldn't' stand watching her suffer.
"Look honey I'm fine you really don't have to trouble yourself like this. I was a little behind with the mortgage last month. I'm fine now I've been doing more hours at work. It will be okay honey," Esmeralda informed.
"Momma cut the crap. I know you're not alright. I got a reference call from the bank last week. It was about the loan you applied for pay off your debts. Don't act so stubborn you know you need help. You have creditors up your ass; it's only a matter of time before they get serious. There's nothing wrong with a helping hand," Mikka pleaded.
"I know baby but you have to understand. I've worked hard for all these years raising you and your sister. I raised you to be strong independent women in this world. I feel like a failure borrowing from my children. You have your own life now. I don't want to burden you with my problems. I'll manage I just have to cut back a little," Esmeralda solemnly preached.
Mikka could hear the ailing in her mother's voice as she spoke. She was such a stubborn woman. Still Mikka was stubborn as well. She slapped the paper in her mother's hand and closed it.
"Just take it I owe it to you. You're my mother; you carried me for nine intensive months. You brought me into this world. There is no amount of money that can ever repay that. This is just a small token of my appreciation for all you've done. It's all I ask you're 53 years old. You shouldn't be busting your ass for minimum wage. I want you to enjoy your life; it's your time to relax now. There's nothing for you to do anymore. We're both grown up. Please momma, for once think about you," Mikka again pleaded.
Her mother sighed and as a smile drew on her worn face. She slowly opened the paper to reveal a check. Her eyes went wide as she began shaking. She looked at Mikka in complete bewilderment. Mikka simply smiled nodding her head in approval.
"It's okay it's all yours. Do whatever you want with it," Mikka reassured.
"…One….one million dollars," Esmeralda choked.
"Yes momma it's all yours like I said you deserve to relax. This is just a small gift I can give you," Mikka frowned.
"Baby don't you ever feel that way. You've made me so proud. How many mothers can say their daughter is a world famous supermodel? You're a beautiful, kind and selfless person. I'm so proud of you especially in your coming out. I really don't know what to say about this check. There are a million thoughts running through my mind right now," Esmeralda wept.
"You have all the time to think about it. You can always go on that cruise you wanted. The first thing you should consider is paying off your bills. Anyway I'm feeling a little sleepy," Mikka yawned.
"Go up to your room and get some rest. The food in your tummy needs to settle," Esmeralda advised.
Mikka nodded and walked up the stairs to her room. Opening the door brought such a nostalgic feeling. Many of her most memorable moments happened in this very room. Vivid memories of her first period, first masturbation, and first brush with death streamed through her mind. She kicked off her sneakers and rested on the bed. Her body sank into the plush mattress she so fondly remembered. Mikka looked down at her protruding stomach. Her mother's cooking took its toll.
Seeing her old stereo in the dresser; she suddenly remembered Corona's demo CD. Mikka popped it in and after a few seconds she was totally floored. The voice was simply beautiful and powerful. Each harmonic verse flowed with unfathomable elegance. How could such a childlike voice creature such beautiful sounds. It was definitely Corona's voice yet felt so unlike her. She was a truly gifted singer on all levels. Mikka knew this was one classical album she would have to buy. Lying in her bed amidst the serenading sounds; her mind began to drift. Mikka yawned and closed her eyes.
"Wake up sweetie; you've been sleeping for three hours. Just like when you were a kid. All you did was sleep. I never understood how you were always so tired. You don't do anything to exhaust yourself. Anyway I've got some bad news," Esmeralda complained shaking Mikka.
Mikka slowly awoke seeing her mother standing above her. She still radiated with the sweet scent of apple cinnamon. With agitated yawn, Mikka sat up rubbing her eyes.
"What's the matter momma," Mikka asked half asleep.
"It's Clarice; she won't be able to make it. Mathew got in a fight at recreation. She's gonna have to stay with him until the other boy's mother gets there. You know I've been thinking. Since we're the only three actually going and we're down one; maybe it's better for you to go alone. It would be easier for you to get everything off your chest that way.
It's no big loss for me I visit Joe all the time. You on the other hand didn't even attend his funeral. I know you had your reasons but that was then. You owe him this much. So go on baby go and pay your daddy his respects. Get dressed I'll drop you off. When you get back I'll have a nice dinner waiting for you," Esmeralda suggested leaving the room.
Mikka took off her skirt, socks and shirt. She opened the suitcase retrieving her black stockings and shoes. As she knelt down rolling up her stockings; Mikka saw her worn Susie Pebbles doll. It sat peacefully atop the night stand watching her. She smiled and placed it on the center of the bed. Mikka zipped down the dress bag and pulled out the black dress. It was a little dismaying
seeing it. Still it was necessary and this was something that Mikka couldn't escape. Sliding into the dress her eyes were on the little doll.
Zipping up the back, Mikka picked up the Susie doll. She brought it close to her face dancing it in the air. So many fond memories were locked within this doll. Nearly each beating she took the Susie was in her hands. Like a sympathetic twin Susie stared at her with her worn button eyes.
"I never thought I'd see you again little friend," Mikka cooed.
She softly kissed Susie on the lips before replacing her on the night stand. Mikka went her dresser and did a little basic makeup. It wasn't too extravagant as she didn't want to overemphasize her grief. Still she should look somewhat beautiful for him.
"Momma I'm ready," Mikka called out into the hallway.
She made her way downstairs as her mother came in with a warm smile.
"You look absolutely beautiful. If Joe could only see you now bless his heart. Well let's go no need to keep the dead waiting. You'll feel a lot better once you finally speak," Esmeralda said.
They drove in near silence. Esmeralda occasionally hummed church hymns. Finally reaching the commentary, Mikka felt a shiver run up her spine. Exiting the car she had the most uneasy if not queasy feeling. She fearfully walked along the rows until the found the headstone.
Joseph L. Bellamy 1955-2000, a beloved father and provider; one man's spirit can enrich the heart.
Mikka read the headstone aloud trying to form the correct words to begin. She closed her eyes and took a long breath.
"Daddy I don't even know where to begin. All my life I've been afraid of you. There are so many levels in which I downright hate you. It can't he helped and I know no matter how much psychiatric help I may seek; you really fucked me up. I can't keep blaming all my downfalls and shortcomings on you anymore. I'm 21years old after all. I'm a fully grown woman capable of standing on her own. There is so much that I've become in these past few years without you daddy.
You know this entire time all I prepared for was this moment. I was dead set on coming here to tell you to go fuck off for good. But now when I really think about it; momma was right. You're not a bastard you were a good man. Deep down beneath your rage and anguish over me; I know you cared. You proved it to me so many times. I was too blind with fear and rage to notice. I do remember those nights when you read to me. Or when I came home crying from the park after getting beat up. You took me to the bathroom and cleaned my wounds. You told me not to worry because they knew I was special.
It's just the fact that you hurt me so much daddy. Why did you have to treat me this way? I'm sorry for whatever I did to piss you off so much. Still you have to understand most of it was never my fault. The issue was between you and momma. I was an innocent product of her affair. I didn't deserve to be thrown in between your rage and her guilt. All I ever wanted was to receive your unconditional love. I wanted you to accept me as one of your own. On the few occasions you did; I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
You can be so gentle when you really want to. I saw how you looked at Clarice. It was such a warm, proud look. There was so much joy in your face even causing you to smile. When you looked at me the joy turned to resentment. You did on occasion give me the Clarice look; but it wasn't enough daddy. I grew into depression and had to see a psychiatrist. I can't blame you for this; it was my fault for being so weak. I tried to drown you away with alcohol and mindless sex. All I did was slowly destroy myself. It was a pitiful attempt to cover my hurt.
You know what daddy I'm happy now. I'm a 21yr old supermodel who's in love with a beautiful woman. Anala and I are happy together…I only wish you could see us. God I can't believe I'm actually crying. I love Anala so much daddy she cares about me and respects me. She truly understands how I am and what I need. Just once, I would have liked to let her meet the man who brought us together. I know that's not possible anymore; but daddy I do wish I could see you once more.
I'm so sorry that we ended on such horrible terms. I should never have called you an asshole. Yes you did piss me off. I know now why you gave me such a hard time. You wanted to protect me; you did it the only way you knew. Be it seemingly cruel and unjustly; I now understand your methods. It is true what I said before. If it weren't for you; I would have never met Anala. For that daddy I owe you a debt of gratitude. I know you're watching me from heaven as I say this so listen good. Daddy I love you and always will," Mikka wept madly falling to her knees at the grave.
She took off the eternity band holding it towards the grave. Then placing a single rose on top; Mikka opened her palm with the ring.
"This is who I am now daddy and I'm happy," Mikka said in a shaky voice replacing the ring and standing up.
"That was beautiful," whispered a familiar voice.
Mikka turned around to see a wheel chair bound Anala. She sat hands together in a black latex dress. Her devilish grin and midnight makeup brought Mikka serenity. Constantine and Marian stood behind Anala with bouquets in hand. Each wore respective black dresses. Mikka slowly walked towards Anala as a tear ran down her cheek.
Face to face, Anala wiped the tear from Mikka's cheek and smiled.
"I've missed you so much. You don't understand this means to me," Mikka choked out through her tears.
Anala wrapped her arms around Mikka as she wept. Marian and Constantine each placed a bouquet by the headstone. Mikka stood up drying her eyes. Anala pulled her back down as their lips met. Mikka completely melted at the touch of Anala's lips. Her aching lips finally felt the relief they begged for.
"Wow they're really in love. I hope I can love someone like that when I get big," Marian said in amazement.
"Yes they're a beautiful couple," Constantine added.
"After I got home I wanted to see you so badly. The drugs put me out immediately. I'm okay right now I just can't walk or I'll pass out from the pain. It looks like I'll be stuck in this thing for the next month. I'm gonna have to take a pill in about an hour or so. I can feel the pain coursing up," Anala said with a slight whimper.
"A little pain won't kill you sweetie. Now come on all of you; my mom really wants to meet you. Besides that she's making one of her famous dinners," Mikka informed.
"I bet your mom can't wait to see that crippled girlfriend you've be praising," Anala said with a smirk.
"Shut up. She doesn't care how handicapped you are. As long as you like her cooking, she's your friend for life," Mikka laughed.
"That sounds fun I always wanted to meet Ms. Mikka's mommy," Marian said excitedly.
"Alright then right this way; I rented a truck to get around," Constantine informed.
She pointed to the totally decked out SUV parked by the entrance. Mikka wheeled Anala as they left the cemetery. Taking one last look back, Mikka smiled knowing everything would be alright. Still there was one last thing she had to do. With a deceitful smile she suddenly stopped.
"Oh yeah Anala I almost forgot to mention. At the car show I ran into that Corona girl. She seems kind of blah if you ask me. I thought you might be interested in these," Mikka innocently announced handing Anala the pictures.
Mikka quietly waited for Anala's reaction as her grin grew wider. She resumed pushing Anala as they headed towards the SUV.
"Oh Jesus what a body! You suck you know that you really suck," Anala pouted.
Rapturous laughter could be heard from all…well except Anala.
"You're so going into the mosh pit next time we go to Apollyon," Anala cryptically warned.
Mikka whimpered as she continued towards the SUV.
I really want to thank all the supporters of my L series once again. Without all the encouraging reviews this series wouldn't be half of what is it. If you enjoyed this story stay turned from the third story in the 'L Series' With each new 'L Series' story I'm tackling a new foreign theme. For the next story it tackles the seedy world of S&M and vampires… oh and yes it will be rated R once again. Sorry but it's getting harder and harder to work within Fiction Press's restrictions. I know this story really pushed in the R rating. My next story will truly be a challenge to write. Anyway thank you for your time and hope you'll stick with me through the rest of the L series.