On the out side I am who you see,
Out side I let you see my act.
Out side I'll hold back the tears, and I'll smile just for you.
Out side, I am all but a body; a shell, a cocoon, a reflection of the real
me.
Inside I silently scream.
I rip and tear myself apart,
Pulling out my hair and bleeding from my finger nails,
I scratch and kick at imaginary beings.
But outside, you won't see the tears on my checks, you won't see as they
lace their way down my face.
You won't see the pain, the hurt and the fear, what I truly think and feel.
Inside I hide it, its better like that, inside I scream, I throw things
which break and shatter on the insides of my mind, cutting and hurting. The
glass rips my drams and scars my thoughts. It makes my conscience bleed
crimson.
I wail and I eventually subdue into myself. Whimpering and holding myself
in a pathetic attempt to go on and forget the unforgettable.
To forget the past and its footprints, it's memories and happenings.
I have given up, so I give into a world of no happiness. For if you don't
feel happiness no smiles tracing upon your lips. Then you fear no happiness
to be ripped away. You have nothing to fear but for what you want the most,
to live.
You want to smile, to have, to want to love even to trust. You want to with
all of your stone cold icy heart.
But it hurts; it's the worst pain imaginable.
You look into the mirror, you see someone, you don't know who; this person
has a tear socked face and long lost far away eyes.
Inside you scream silently. Outside you say you're ok, with the tears
bleeding down your face.
Love? What of it? Don't use guns, use love; it causes more pain the end.
Don't bother with physical injuries; don't bother with punching and
kicking, with words or phrases. Just use love and take it back. Make trust
and break it. Create hope and destroy it. Be a human being and hate it.
Cry tears which mean nothing to other's eyes. You are alone, so alone; yet
you know you are not, so why don't they care? Why aren't they here to
comfort you, to say it's ok, even if you don't and never would believe what
delivers to you from their lips.
Hide it inside where you can scream as loud as you can, bellow so as the
millions of birds fly from the oak branches and ricochet over the horizon,
screeching in a frenzy of fear.
Collapse into the ground and let the cold dirt cover your weakening body.
It's your fault, it's your entire fault, why everything bad could happen,
it's all your fault!
You scream on the inside, kicking a useless outrage. You remind you're self
to breathe as your airways close off; you want to black out, to smash your
head on the way down, to forget or to die.
You shake uncontrollably shivering even though you feel so hot, boiling,
heated like electricity. Your temperature rises like steaming smoke from a
freshly born fire.
On the inside you scream, on the outside you now weep uncontrollably and
openly.
Who cares who sees? They'll just pass you by, engaged with their own
conscience in their own pitiful minds.
On the inside you possess you're body. Take a blade to the skin, and watch
as your flesh slides away from the bone. Watch as the blood leaks out so
painfully slow. But you control it, you have the blade, you control how
deep, whether you cut enough to bleed, or simply to graze.
Then you see the mirror, you see the person staring back at you. You see
the eyes filled with nothing, you sense the hurt, and you smell the sweat
which drips from an undying and unearthly fear. Your lips taste her tears.
Your tongue dances inside your mouth with words that cannot ever be spoken
out load, for fear of rejection.
On the inside you no longer scream, on the inside you now weep. On the
outside you scream at people,
'Why did you leave me? Why do you ignore me? I need help; I need your
support, your love and trust! I need you to make this right again, as it is
all so wrong.'
You break down, your body becomes one with the ground, and your tears
become one with the now raining skies. They walk away, you push them away.
'Don't care about me, because you'll eventually leave me alone, like I am
now.'
Confused. Alone, what do you want? Do you want friends to care, or do you
want them to walk away, so as you're not hurt again.
On the outside I went numb, on the inside I screamed,
On the outside I smiled, on the inside I bled,
On the outside I gave up, on the inside I hated love,
On the outside I once cried, on the inside I did die.
I'm just about ready to give up. Tell me your message to god, and I'll
deliver it tonight.

By Siobhan
Date: 16/June/2004