Well, here it is; the long awaited (?) second chapter, and the update three years in the making. I'm not even going to imply it was worth the wait. You got hosed.

Incidentally, me equals worst updater ever. I suck out loud...


Early the next morning, Jimmy was on his way to school, with Satan accompanying him. Limping along, Jimmy wore what seemed to be a couple hundred bandages. Easily keeping pace with him, Satan was dressed in combat boots, faded jeans, and a black T-shirt with white lettering that read M.O.B.: Metal Over Bitches, in large block letters. As always, he wore his Jack Daniels ski cap over his unwashed hair, and he had on a dark pair of Ray Bans to hide his bright red eyes.

"Gee, Satan," Jimmy said, whilst stepping over a used condom, "It sure was nice of you to walk me to school this morning".

"Shut up, dumbass," Satan replied. "I just needed to score some weed from my boy Mitch. He lives out this way."

Jimmy looked down, crestfallen. "Well... I guess it was nice of you to come all this way with me, and not throw me into traffic."

"Yeah, I guess it was. I'm feeling generous today." Satan stopped for a moment and reached into a pocket. "And I got something for you. To help with your bully problem."

"Really?" Jimmy asked, cautiously. He was wary of any help Satan offered, but was still hopeful.

Looking both ways for witnesses, Satan pulled out a black handgun the size of Jimmy's arm. "Yeah. Here. It's a gun. Do something with this gun," he said quietly as he passed it to Jimmy.


"Now look," Satan said in a calm voice, as he stepped between Jimmy and the street, blocking a passing motorist's view of him and the gun. "I'm not telling you to turn your school into a fucking bullet festival. I'm not telling you to. All I'm saying is that if you did, you'd get on TV. And that would be cool."

"Well...I guess it would be kinda cool," Jimmy said, as he hefted the weapon. Looking across the street, he saw a squirrel scampering across a well kept lawn. Raising the gun, he drew a bead on it, and watched the animal through the sights for a moment. "I mean, to get on TV..."

"Oh yeah, yeah. That would kick ass. You'd be just like the Terminator. So tuck it deep in your bookbag and leave it unzipped a little. Oh, and by the way, the safety doesn't work and it has a hair trigger. So don't pull it out if you ain't gonna use it."

"Oh. Ok." Jimmy muttered, a bit overwhelmed at the situation. "I'll remember that."

"Good boy," Satan said as they got to the intersection across from Jimmy's school. "Mitch lives a couple blocks down, so this where I split. Good luck with your bully." Satan clapped him on the back.


Both of them jumped as a bullet hit the concrete, leaving a smoking hole in his backpack. "And remember what I said about the safety," Satan muttered as he scratched his head. "That's important."

And so, Jimmy and Satan each went their separate ways. Jimmy headed to home room, and Satan went to score a dimebag, whistling "Lord of All Fevers and Plagues" as he walked.


That day at school, Jimmy went on to get assigned eighty-four pages of trigonometry homework, failed three pop quizzes, get his nose broken by a dodge ball, and have a piece of shrapnel stuck in his ass when he sat on a toilet on the second floor as someone flushed a cherry bomb down one on the third floor. Basically, it went about as good as it could have gone.

It was just after seventh period as he was at his locker when Dawson Brooks and his band of thugs caught up with him. Reaching for his English book, he didn't notice the quartet of ominous shadows until he heard a voice behind him.

"Well well well. If it isn't Jimmy Turd."

Jimmy fumbled and dropped his textbook, earning a laugh from Dawson and his friends. Dawson Brooks was on top of the social ladder at William Mahr High School and Learning Academy. A junior in the school, which taught grades 7-12, he played on the JV football team and stood at 6' 4". Blonde, athletic, and rich, he was respected and feared around the school. His usual group of lackeys and suck-ups, Aaron, Earl, and Robert, were with him now, as always.

"Looks like he's already got back after the beating we gave 'em yesterday," Aaron said.

"Yeah, and it looks like he got himself burnt up, too," Earl snickered, poking Jimmy in the chest. "You been playing with matches, boy?"

"You should know better than to play with fire," Dawson said, stepping forward and cracking his knuckles. His lackeys all backed away as he loomed over Jimmy. "I think you need to have a lesson beat into you."

"Well, I- I already got one from my dad. With a shovel," Jimmy protested as he backed into a corner. This earned a laugh from his tormentors.

"Well, that's a start. But I prefer a more hands-on approach." With that, he hefted Jimmy by the collar and drew back his fist, and-

"Leave him alone!".

Everyone turned around to see the source of the voice. There stood a pale girl with vivid red hair. She wore a frilly black skirt covering her boots, and had on a faded Invader Zim T-shirt and black, lacy gloves. She stood with folded arms, impatiently tapping her index finger on the open bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red in her left hand.

"You heard me. Put the nerd down. He wasn't hurting anyone."

All four of the bullies stared at her for a moment. Dawson cracked a smile, which quickly became a laugh. Soon his gang followed suit, and all of them stood laughing at the girl. She took it well, nonchalantly sipping her soda and waiting for them to finish.

Robert recovered first, and stepped closer to the girl. "Yeah, why should we? And just who the hell are you?"

The girl rolled her eyes and capped her Mountain Dew. "The name's Emily. And you'll do what I tell you to because you don't want to see me when I'm pissed."

"Or you'll do what?" Aaron asked. "Hex us? Write a shitty poem about us?" This got another laugh from the four bullies, but only pissed Emily off. She drew a deep breath, and clenched her fist around her soda's bottle.

After a few minutes the laughter died down, and Dawson said "Just ignore the chick. We'll kick Jimmy Turd's ass, and deal with the vampire girl later." They turned their backs to her and started pounding on Jimmy, and didn't see the shell-shocked look on Emily's face. They also didn't see the bottle of Mountain Dew in her hand burst from her grip.

"Vampire...girl?" Emily repeated, as she visibly started to tremble. Before her, the scene of the young boy getting his ass handed to him faded away, as Emily started to see red. She became deaf to the cries of pain and the impacts of the blows, hearing only the echos of the taunt, over and over again. Quickly this too faded away, to be replaced by the chords of White Zombie's "More Human Than a Human".

"Vampire girl?" she repeated, quietly, and with a harder edge in her voice. Again, the boys at the other side of the hall didn't hear her. Nor did they notice the lights flicker above the spot where she was standing.

Dawson was holding a bruised and battered Jimmy against the wall. Jimmy was on his last legs; the next punch would be the knock-out. Dawson raised his fist for the last blow, but was caught off guard by an inhuman shriek behind him:

"VAMPIRE GIRL?!?" Dawson turned around, but only saw a blur of shadow, and then-

CRASH! Emily struck with her left palm, driving his head back--more than eight inches into the cinder blocks. As his gang watched, she ground his head deeper into the wall, making it crumble underneath his skull. His entire left arm spasmed, and he dropped Jimmy to the ground. Emily slowly dropped her hand back to her side, and turned around to look at the other three bullies, who stood stunned.

BAM! Emily caught Dawson in the chest with a back-handed right, knocking him through the wall and out into the faculty parking lot. For a moment, sunlight streamed in, illuminating the girl. But in a second, the sky became overcast, and a crash of thunder could be heard in the distance. As the shadows gathered around her, they revealed her eyes glowing a bright red.

Behind her, Jimmy eased open a locker on the bottom row. He squeezed himself inside, and began watching the action through the slots in the door.

Of Dawson's cronies, Aaron was the first to come to his senses. Raising a shaky finger, he pointed at Emily. "She's...she's a witch!" He cried. His exclamation was met with a boot to the face, sending him skidding down the hall into the opposite wall. A few of his teeth bounced along behind him. Before the dust had settled, Emily turned to Robert and Earl.

The two of them looked at each other briefly, before Earl raised his voice to speak. "We... need to go. We have class, you know- aaAAGHH!" He screamed, as Emily fired laser beams from her eyes and hit both of them in the chest. As they struck, blisters formed and burst, as scorpions emerged and overwhelmed both of them. Both Earl and Robert fell to the ground screaming.

After a moment, Emily snapped out of it and looked around. "Damn", she said. "Guess I went overboard."

From behind her, the locker creaked open. "Is it over?" Jimmy asked.

"Yeah," Emily said. "Pretty much."

"It stings! AND BURNS!" Earl screamed, before a scorpion injected poison into the base of his brain.

Jimmy eased out of the locker and looked at the carnage. "How...how did you do that?"

"Meh. I told them not to piss me off. Who are you?"

"Oh, well, uh, my name's Jimmy. You said you're name was Emily? Thanks for saving me from those guys."

"Don't worry about it," Emily said. "I probably would have wound up maiming them sooner or later, anyway. Say," she said, getting a closer look at him, "Aren't you the kid who lives across the street from me? What exactly happened to you yesterday?"

Jimmy looked away. "I just had... an accident."

"You accidently got set on fire and thrown out your window?" Emily asked. "How'd you do that? Masturbating?"

"What!? No!" Jimmy shouted. "It was my room-mate. He tossed me out the window."

"While you were masturbating?" Emily repeated.

"No. I was not masturbating. Satan was just mad because I wouldn't sell him my soul!"

Emily just stared at him. "Did you just say Satan? As in the Prince of Lies, the Accuser of our Brethren, Satan? The Devil?".

Jimmy stopped for a moment. "Uh, no... I said 'Stan'. Stan threw me out the window."

"Nuh-uh," Emily said. "You said Satan. Are you telling me that your roommate is the Devil?"

"Well..." Jimmy said, looking at the ground, "Yeah."

Emily was quiet for another moment. "Could I meet him?"

"Well, sure," Jimmy said. "I can take you to my house and introduce you to him after school. But wait-" Jimmy said as he remembered his punishment for getting beat up. "You can't. I'm grounded, and my parents would kill me if I had anyone over."

"That's cool. What time do your parents get off work?" Emily asked. "We'll go to your place, and I'll leave before they get home."

"That wouldn't work. They get home from the dog tracks right after school lets out."

"No problem. There's still another 45 minutes until school's over. We'll go to your place now, and I'll be gone before your parents get home."

"You want to ditch school?" Jimmy asked, nervous. "I... I don't know if that's such a good idea..."

"Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy," Emily said, smiling warmly and placing a hand on his shoulder. She turned and led him towards the janitor's closet. "I can see where you're coming from, and your concerns are valid. However, I think there's something behind this door that'll change your mind," she said, as she opened it.

"Well, I don't know," Jimmy muttered, sticking his head in the tiny closet. "This just looks like a normal supply closet to me-aaAH!" he shouted as she slammed the door on his head. Then slammed it twice more for good measure before pulling Jimmy, bleeding from a gash in his scalp, from the floor where he had fallen.

"So, you convinced it's a good idea yet?" she asked brightly.

"Ye-Yeah," Jimmy mumbled. "It sounds like a great idea to me."

"Great!" Emily exclaimed. "Lets go. And hey!- there's a 7/11 on the way there. You can buy me an Icee to thank me."

"All right. It's a date," Jimmy said, trying to stop the bloodflow.

"No, it isn't."



Fifteen minutes later, they were at Jimmy's house, where they could hear Satan's music all the way on the ground floor. As they ascended the stairs, the music got clearer-- "A Lesson In Violence", by Exodus.

"You know" Jimmy began, "I'm starting to rethink this. I mean, Satan's not the best guy to know in the world. Do you really think you wanna meet him?"

"Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, we've already discussed this," Emily began, sipping her cherry Icee. "If you want to go through all this again, I'm sure I can find something else to convince you. Something in this hall closet...".

"No, that's ok," Jimmy quickly said. He turned and opened the door.

Inside, the room was filled with the sweet smoke of cannabis sativa. In the middle of the black couch, Satan sat with a joint in his mouth and a control pad in his hand. As the door opened, he glanced towards it. "What's up mother..huh?" he said.

"Nothing, dick," Emily replied. "And that's not my name."

"Hey Satan," Jimmy said, entering behind Emily. "This is Emily. She just moved in across the street."

"What the hell is she doing here? With you?" Satan queried, looking hard at the two of them. "And why aren't either of you in school at 2:45?"

Before Jimmy had a chance to speak, Emily responded. "The school burned down. So we came here."

"The school did not burn down," Satan insisted ."It's four blocks away. I can see it from the window."

"Damn it!" Emily exclaimed, "I knew I should have burned it down."

"Hey," Satan said, looking at both of them menacingly. "You two ditched class, didn't you? And then you lied about it. You've been sinning!"

"Aaah!" Jimmy yelled, biting his fingernails. "I didn't mean to-"

"So what?" Emily asked, finishing her slurpee.

"Kick ass!' Satan replied. "Do you have any idea how long I been trying to lead that little queer into temptation? And you got him in one afternoon. That deserves a drink." As he spoke, the devil reached into a cooler next to him and tossed Emily a Smirnoff Twisted Cranberry.

"Thanks," Emily said, cracking it open.

"Here, one for you too, you Godless wretch," Satan said to Jimmy.

"Um, no thanks," Jimmy replied. "I really couldn't- AAAh!" he screamed as a bottle shattered on his forehead. "MY EYES!" He screamed, falling to the floor clutching his face.

Emily whistled appreciatively as Satan laughed at his handiwork. "Damn, you are evil," she commented. "But you know... You're really not what I'd expect the lord of hell would look like..."

"What, you need proof?" Satan asked, rolling his eyes. Suddenly, his hand was wreathed in flames, and he pointed his palm towards Jimmy. "You want me to set him on fire again?"

"No! No, that's ok," Emily said quickly, grabbing his wrist and pointing his hand away. "I believe you, all right, Mr. Satan. You know, I'm a big fan of your early work."

"Aw, thanks," Satan said. "You know, the stuff I been doing lately, Harry Potter and Magic the Gathering cards, that's mostly my staff. But right now we're trying to go back to the old school." Satan reached into his cooler and got himself a bottle of Smirnoff.

"Got anything in the works right now?" Emily asked.

"Oh yeah; our latest project is a combination of fear and pain." Satan paused to hit his joint. "He haven't come up with a name yet, but right now we're testing it on old people."

"Sweet. Hey, puff-puff-pass," she said, pointing to the joint. When he gave it to her, she took a long toke, and handed it back. "One thing I don't get, though, Mr. Satan-"

"Please, Satan will do."

"One thing, Satan, I don't get." Emily continued. "You're the Prince of Hell. You're the paragon of all things evil, and you know where to find the guys from Slayer. Why do you hang around with him?" Emily asked, pointing to Jimmy, who was pulling shards of glass from his face.

(Note to idiots: Important Plot Point explained)

"Well..." Satan began. "I've been trying to get a hold of his soul. You gotta understand, not all souls are equal. The more challenge it is, the more they're worth. Like on a scale of one to ten, John Wayne Gacy would be a two, right, where Mother Teresa would be a nine."

"I see. So, where would, say, Marilyn Manson be?" Emily asked.

"Cleaning my fucking toilet, that's where!" Satan shouted. "That asshole's a name-dropper and a pussy. But anyway, you see my point." Satan paused, taking another gulp of his drink. "The harder you have to work for a human's soul, the more it's worth. And Jimmy there; he's a fucking powerball jackpot."

"Why exactly?"

"You see, kid, Jimmy is what we call 'inviolate'," Satan explained. "A soul like his only comes along once every couple thousand years. All life does is put shit on his plate, but he just keeps coming back for more. I mean, look at him!"

"What? What is it?" Jimmy asked.

"This kids life is fucking miserable, but he's perfectly content! I mean, his parents suck, I've been personally making his existence a living hell for months, and he even has a small penis, but he suffers in silence"

"HEY!" Jimmy shouted, mortified. "It's not the size of the hammer, it's how you swing it!"

"Really?" Satan asked, reaching behind his couch. "Let's see." Picking up a hammer off the floor, he chucked it at Jimmy, nailing him in the eye.

"OOOWWW!" Jimmy screamed, falling down.

"Heh heh. Guess he was right," Satan noted.

"Tell me-" Emily said, "How exactly do you know he's 'inviolate'? Like, maybe he's just retarded or something."

"Please, I think I can tell the difference. I've only been doing this since the beginning of time," Satan said. "Besides; retards don't have souls."

"Dude!" Emily shouted, shocked. "You can't say that!"

"Little girl-" Satan began. "Have you ever seen a retarded person get hit in the face with a baseball bat?"

Emily looked at the ground awkwardly. "Well, yeah... once..."

"Did it faze him a bit?" Satan asked. When she didn't answer, he pressed the question. "Does that seem like something with a soul to you?"

Emily thought about it. "You know, you make a compelling argument."

"I should," Satan said, slouching down on the couch. "I went to law school".

At that exact moment, the sound of a car pulling into the driveway could be heard, followed by a slamming door. From the floor below them, Jimmy Todd Sr. called up.

"BOY! Where the hell are you, and why ain't you doing your chores!?" He shouted. Soon they could hear his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs.

"Oh God!" Jimmy yelled, turning to Emily. "I'm not supposed to have anyone over. If my parents find you here, they're gonna kill me!"

"Damn it all," Emily muttered. "I'm sorry; I meant to be out of here when they got home, but they must have been early."

"What am I going to do? What am I going to do? WhatamIgoingto-"

"Can it, fuck-nugget," Satan interrupted. "You just started sinning now; do you really think I'm gonna let you get any negative reinforcement? All we need is a little distraction."

Satan rose to his feet, and cracked his knuckles before raising his arms to the sky and chanting. "Aretak! Pargon! Tier! Pargon! Chatur'gha!" he screamed, as hellfire streaked across the room, burning black runes into the floor and walls. Satan paused a moment, and then held up his right hand, and slowly...snapped...his...finger.

The results were instant and gruesome. Suddenly, a deafening buzz filled the house, followed by the screams of Jimmy's parents. Looking out the window, Jimmy saw them burst out the front door, followed by...

"LOCUSTS!!!" Jimmy Todd Senior screamed, covered in a black cloud of insects. "They'll ravage the crops! AND MY SKIN!!"

"That's a 'little distraction'!?" Jimmy yelled. "You filled my house with locusts!"

"I know, right?" Emily added. "I thought that whole locust thing was God's shtick."

"Meh. Used to be, but I took it over after the Big Guy gave it up. You know, once he started with the Ebola virus and all."

Emily shrugged it off as Jimmy stood there, stunned. "Any port in a storm, I guess. Hey- while you're at it, do you think you could kill my asshole parents? I'll give you my soul."

Satan thought it over for a minute. "Aw, Emily; I couldn't do that. You're a good kid," he explained. And then added, "Besides; you can do your own dirty work. Now, just how are we gonna get you out of here through the locusts? Think you're gonna need a mask or something?"

"Naw, I got it" she replied. "I have scorpion lasers."

"The fuck?" Satan asked, as she walked over and opened the door.

"I guess I'll see you when Jimmy get's off probation," she said, and then turned to Jimmy. "And I'll see you tomorrow."

Turning away from them, she left the room and got to the landing, where a single locust rose up and hovered in front of her. Narrowing her eyes, she fired a single beam at it, causing it to fall to the ground bulging. A scorpion burst from it's abdomen as it lay there, and began eating the remains. Emily continued down the stairs and through the parlor, sweeping back and forth with the lasers to clear a path. Out on the lawn, she walked past Jimmy's parents and turned back to the second story window, flashing a smile-- and throwing up the horns.

At the window, Jimmy smiled and waved, and Satan sent back the metal salute. They both stepped back from the window, and just were real quiet for a minute. Satan was the first to speak.

"Dude," he said. "That chick... was bad ass!"

"I know," Jimmy said dreamily, raising his hand to the gash on the side of his head. "I'll never clean this wound again."

"And you got her over here, man. That's some shit." Satan shook his head at the whole ordeal. "Who saw that shit coming? Well... What now? You wanna play some videogames?"

Jimmy shrugged. "Might as well, since the first floor of my house is filled with locusts and deadly scorpions."

"That's the ticket." Satan said, falling down on the couch. "Put in 'Japanese Schoolgirls Fighting With Chainsaws.' I'm gonna school your ass."


or is it?


Well, there it was. The last(?) chapter in the saga of Jimmy and Satan. Hoped somebody liked it.