If you give a squirrel a marshmallow...

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AN: For those of you who have never heard, there is an urban legend that says if you give a squirrel several big marshmallows and then poke it, the squirrel will pop. You can see where this is going now...

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*If You Give a Squirrel a Marshmallow - Chapter 1*

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If you give a squirrel a marshmallow, it would probably stare at you stupidly, thinking, "Why has this idiot human given me this white, sugary cylendar? Perhaps it is a token of friendship, or maybe a peace offering, or perhaps it is used as a symbol of engagement!" Then he would try to tell you that it would never work because he was already promised to some squirrel babe that his father set him up with, and because his father was the squirrely chief of all squirreldom, disobeying him was not an option. He would try to flatter you between sentences. This, however, means absolutely nothing to you, as all you can hear is, "Squeakity eek eek squeel!" So the whole stupid engagement nonsense is useless to you; besides, you were merely trying to give the dumb animal a snack. And because this stupid squirrel was being uncooperative, you will leave to go do more stupid things and later wonder what the heck you were doing with a marshmallow in your pocket in the first place.

But let's suppose that on this particular day you had nothing better to do and sat around waiting for the idiot to devour your offering to him. After a little more eeking nonsense you will say, "Here, you eat it, like this, see?" as you take another marshmallow from the endless pit known as your pocket and eat it yourself. As if the rodent doesn't know how to eat! Just look at how fat he is!

Then the squirrel will think, "Ah, yes, of course! How silly of me, thinking it was a proposal! This low-intelligence homosapien was merely giving me a tasty morsel. How kind, how considerate, how wonderful!" Then he will nibble on it a little bit and instantly become a sugar addict which would later cause him severe headaches and other possible side affects. After eating the sugary goodness (TN9: Mmm... sugary goodness!) he will spend a few minutes trying to get it off the roof of his mouth. Looking at this poor creatures distress, you may burst into laughter at its cuteness.

Surprised by your maniacal laughter, the squirrel will think, "Has it lost its mind? No wait! The cruel monster gave me the sweet pillow-candy simply to view my demise! How inconsiderate, how uncivilized, how unruly!" Then he will jump up andattack your face, sticking his dirty little feet in your nostrils and clawing out your eyes. You'll then throw the beast from your face and maybe shout a few explatives as you run to the bathroom to clean the blood from your face. If you decide to return, you may find that your new-found enemy is awaiting you at the very same tree for a "Round 2" of your battle. As you approach you will raise your hand in surrender (only one hand, as the other is being used to support the cloth on your eye) hoping that the little rat will get the picture. Unfortunately the squirrel takes this as a sign of aggression, and he will begin to sharpen the axe he had somehow hidden behind his back until now. You can tell he is ready for war, so you will back away and hope that an idea will come to you. Then suddenly out of nowhere a lightbulb will appear, and you will reach into that pocket of yours to reveal yet another marshmallow. Seeing this, the squirrel will gently lower the axe into the invisible void behind him.

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To be continued...

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TN9: Please R&R! (And don't tell me that I'm insane, as I'm well aware of this fact and don't need to be reminded again)