Dear Lord,

If the whole omnipresence thing is accurate and you really can see the fall of every sparrow and suchlike, this is where I find out if you actually bother to watch them all hit the ground, as it were. As you should really be aware, there's an awful lot of people wanting very serious words with you down here.

First, please please PLEASE ditch the middlemen and speak to us personally. Currently we have a couple of dozen different interpretations of substantially the same ideas, all presented by various individuals of frequently questionable credibility. The Catholic Church and the Church of England have been intermittently talking sense for the past few years, but they have one leader. The Catholics even insist that theirs is totally infallible, though they wrote that particular doctrine in something of a sulk after the Italians reclaimed Rome in 1871. The others have about a dozen or more spokesmen (or spokeswomen from time to time), most of whom flatly contradict each other. I think now would be a good time to step in and settle things once and for all. You put a foot on the right path by hijacking Chapter Six of 'Dude, Where's My Country?', and it was the funniest bit of the whole book. Now's the time to go a bit further, and grab advertising slots on as many networks as you can, preferably secular ones so you can't be accused of bias. Chances are the BBC will give you a free slot; a live-via-satellite message from God is about as public service as television gets. At the very least you'll get some airtime on Radio Four.

Once you've negotiated all that, tell us quite explicitly what you want us to do. I can't promise that anybody will listen -look at all that business with the tree and the snake- but at least we will at long last have a firm idea of what you're actually demanding of us. It'll also cure the controversy about the One True Faith, if there's any such thing, because to be quite honest it's bringing religion into disrepute.

By the way, do you mind clarifying your position on Israel? I suspect that if you were actually taking sides then the whole messy business wouldn't have carried on for so long, but this doesn't appear to have occurred to certain people. It'd do everybody an awful lot of good if you put them right on this.

Also, I for one would take it as a personal favour if you were to have an email address onscreen whilst you were making this broadcast. Prayer is a bit hit-and-miss, really. I appreciate that this would entail taking on an awful lot of extra administrative staff, but call centres are a growth industry these days. My request, by the way, would be to ensure entry to Heaven for the men who plotted to blow up Manchester United Football Club; if THAT doesn't justify 76 virgins or whatever then I don't know what does!

Of course, it's more than likely that you're merely the product of a deranged imagination a few thousand years ago, but... Hello, what's with the stormy weather all of a sud-

Well, if you think smiting me one is going to get me to believe in you, you've got another think coming. I liked that shirt!