I really hate the way only the ones I love can make me truly hate life. You go out, you get drunk. I don't even want to, and yet a part of me longs to. I much prefer lying alone on my bed, listening to music that makes the blood rush through my veins, or thrashing out my emotions on a guitar. Friday night, I sit in my room and I listen to the songs that actually mean something, unlike the putrid excrement my contemporaries pour out. I sleep, because sleep is the only thing we do in our lives that has a point to it. Then, Saturday night I do exactly the same, and prepare myself for seeing you the next day, because my love is so strong I can barely let myself breathe. Because every time I say "I love you", it means that every difference between us conspires to strangle me, because we are different.

Why? Why can we not just be one forever, why can I not be alone, it would be easier than loving you. I do love you, but loving another damages me so much because every second I spend with someone else drains me, makes me feel like what I am, worthless and alone and deserving of nothing better. And suddenly they are there, the shadows. One day soon they will laugh and mock, and devour me. One day soon, I will become one of them. Not yet though. Now I am alone and safe, safe from becoming one of them. Safe from the rejection that friendship brings. Safe from all the pain of which anything but being alone consists.

You can't take me, I am a fortress that is impregnable, even though I fell long ago, to these soldiers who stand inside me now. They will defend me from anymore change, so I can remain, incarcerated within my hate, forever. Awkward, shambling mess. Hateful and arrogant. Who was it who said "L'enfer, c'est les autres"? Was it Sartre? 'The Roads to Freedom'. Ha. They were blocked by bloodied car pile-ups a long time ago.