I'm not your ordinary guy at all.
I hang on your every word like a tire swing,
Yet I shrug stuff off my back like it's not a big thing.
I help small animals find homes if they're stray,
But will bet on cock fights the following day.
I give to charities when I have the right mind,
After snagging money from the poor, the taxed and blind.
I talk about safe sex to those underage girls,
And the same night I do a teenage whore with curls.
I'm pro-life and protest "make life, not war",
But I work in an Abortion clinic from nine to four.
I give speeches on why helmets keep you safe,
And I skateboard in parks without stuff that will chafe.
I kiss babies, pet dogs and see special kids compete,
I kick squirrels with a record of a hundred feet.
I seem like a fierce man in the tabloids every week,
And yet I'm a gentle guy with knees that are weak.

I treat women like princesses in broad daylight,
But I'll ram and sex them up like a savage at night.
I'll talk to their parents and make them think,
Before I take the girl to the bathroom and do it in the sink.
I'll read you poetry and serenade you into submission,
And then in the bedroom I'll show you a new position.

I'm a good hopeless romantic
That will love you forever,
And an evil sex god,
Known as the ultimate lover.
There is no need for either or,
Just a desire, a need for me more.