Once upon a time, in a far away place, there was a Queendom which for reading purposes shall be called Acacia. Well, unfortunately, the Queendom was being terrorized by creatures that can only be described as fire-breathing unicorns.

For many decades, the army had been fighting these creatures, but they just could not seem to defeat them.

The reason these "unicorns" wanted Acacia was because it contained a certain type of grass, called crab grass, that kept them alive. One would figure that the "unicorns" could just ask the queen for access to the grass, but as we all know, most animals are not that kind.

The Queendom was ruled by a benevolent, beautiful and extremely intelligent Queen named Laura. Now, Queen Laura had an even more beautiful daughter named Zuleika. Many men sought Zuleika's hand in marriage. The Queen may have been benevolent, but she was picky, wanting the perfect husband for her daughter.

One fateful night, Zuleika was walking through the palace gardens when all the sudden a strange being came up behind her and dragged her away. Upon hearing the news, Queen Laura came up with a plan. A notice was put on every tree within the Queendom.

To All Knights and Worthy Men,

Whomsoever finds Princess Zuleika shall immediately gain her hand in marriage. She must be brought back to the palace in complete health and the leader of the fire-breathing unicorns must also be brought back.

Signed Her Royal Majesty,

Queen Laura I

~~~~On the outskirts of the Queendom~~~~

A rogue knight rode throughout the forests on his gallant steed named Bartholomew. He was scanning the brush seeing if he could find any signs of danger. This knight loved being able to save damsels in distress. He was an extremely chivalrous knight. Not much is known about him today, but historians believe his name to be Kirbis Ickles.

While continuing his scanning, Sir Kirbis saw a piece of paper attached to a tree. 'How strange' he thought. Sir Kirbis leapt from his horse to examine the notice. He read it and looked over at Bartholomew, "Well, what do you think." In response, Bartholomew nodded his head seemingly understanding Sir Kirbis.

"Alright then, we shall go and save this princess." So off Sir Kirbis went, only thinking of this as an adventure, not thinking it would change his rogue life.

~~~~Inside the lair of the "unicorns"~~~~

"Very well done Bohdan. Did anyone see you?"

"No, sir."

"Good, good. You may leave her here." Bohdan nodded and trotted away. "Welcome to my home Milady."

"I demand to know who you are and why I am here!"

"You should not be so demanding in your position. However, I shall tell you who I am. I am Mykola, the leader of the fire -breathing unicorns."

"Why am I here?!"

"You are here as ransom. I want the grass and if the Queen does not give it to me, I will kill you."

"How dare you threaten me. You egocentric, ugly creature!" Zuleika screamed, standing up tall.

Mykola simply laughed.

~~~~Back to Sir Kirbis~~~~~

Sir Kirbis was very close to finding the princess. The fire-breathing unicorns had stupidly left a trail of um, well, we shall call it digested grass.

"Bartholomew, look up ahead. A cave. Let's head that way."

~~~~The Lair~~~~

Bohdan coming running into Mykola's quarters. "Sir, there's a human trying to get in."

"Is he alone?"

"Indeed he is, sir."

"Then get rid of him. How hard could that be?" If he had only known who that human was.


Sir Kirbis was fighting off many fire-breathing unicorns.

"Someone kill him!!! He's just a human!!!" Bohdan yelled.

"Kill ME? Hahahahaha!!!!! NEVER, FOR I AM THE ONE, THE ONLY, SIR KIRBIS ICKLES AND I HAVE COME TO SAVE THE PRINCESS!!!" While Sir Kirbis was saying all this, he had finished the last of Mykola's minions and walk up to Bohdan. "Are you ready for this?"

"Bring it."

"Oh...I'll bring it." Bohdan used his horn to shoot scalding hot fire at Sir Kirbis. (Hey! I thought they breathed fire.) The flames engulfed him.....

~~~~Back at the palace~~~~

"Every last one of those idiots has failed in saving my daughter" Queen Laura sighed. "Never send a man to do a woman's job. Pitiful." One might be thinking that the Queen would be more upset about her daughter being captured. "So, why is she not?" you asked. That shall be revealed later.

~~~~The Lair~~~~

Bohdan had thought he had defeated Sir Kirbis, but how would that look if the hero was killed off?

Once the smoke had lifted, Sir Kirbis was seen, standing tall and proud and amazingly, unharmed.

"H...how...did...y...you...do that" Bohdan stuttered.

Sir Kirbis rolled his eyes at the stupidity of fire-breathing unicorns. 'Must be all that grass' He thought to himself. "I'm wearing the magical red bra you cad."

Bohdan had a look of utter confusion in his eyes.

Sir Kirbis tore off his shirt and strangely enough, he was wearing a silky red bra. "I got it from a play. South Pacific don't ya know."

"Wow wow wee waa" said Bohdan.

"Hey that's my line!!!

Bohdan lowered down on his front legs as if to bow his defeat to Sir Kirbis.


Sir Kirbis threw open the doors to Mykola's quarters.

Princess Zuleika looked over at the dashing knight. "Oh my" was all she could manage to say. Which was exactly what Sir Kirbis was thinking. 'I must keep my mind on the task at hand. I can have some "fun" later.' he thought.

"I am here to save the princess." declared Sir Kirbis.

"Well well well, you've defeated everyone, even Bohdan, my strongest warrior. You are worthy."

Sir Kirbis looked very confused as well did Princess Zuleika.

"I must take you and the princess back to the palace. Will you come peacefully or must I use force."

Mykola nodded and followed Sir Kirbis who was helping Princess Zuleika onto Bartalamue.

~~~~~Back at the palace~~~~

"Mother I'm back!!!" Zuleika cried, running over to her mother's throne.

Queen Laura hugged her daughter and looked over to Sir Kirbis who, suddenly, had his sword up to Mykola. "You may lower your sword Sir Knight."

"Of course Your Majesty."

"Are you the one who saved my daughter?" The Queen asked, addressing Sir Kirbis.

"Yes I am" Sir Kirbis responded, glancing adoringly at Princess Zuleika.

Queen Laura, who is all-knowing, noticed this. "Your name?"(not like she really needs to ask, but hey, if everyone knew she was omniscient she'd never get a break)

"Sir Kirbis Ickles."

"Well I thank you Sir Kirbis Ickles and I thank you as well Mykola."

Sir Kirbis and Princess Zuleika gasped at this.

"You are very welcome, Highness." Mykola said, bowing.

"You may take your leave now."

"What is all this mother?" Zuleika begged, for one demands nothing of a Queen.

"Mykola and I worked out a treaty. He helps me find you a worthy husband and I let his clan have access to our crab grass. And I see that it has worked out, not only in my favor but yours." Knowing what her mother meant, Zuleika did as well. "So, Sir Kirbis, I believe you deserve an reward. If you would like it, I offer you my daughter's hand in marriage."

As well all know, you never refuse a Queen, not like Sir Kirbis wanted to. "I accept."

Later that week Sir Kirbis and Princess Zuleika were wed…

.......and the lived happily ever after.

And the moral of the story is? A Queen always gets what she wants…..meaning a husband for her daughter.