Once upon a time, not long ago at all, there was a man named Reginald. Reginald wasn't a strange man in any sense of the word, no, he got up every weekday morning like everyone else and went to work like anyone else, at a large accounting firm run by large men who didn't give a damn whether he lived or died. Then one day, he woke up and decided to abandon his average workaday life for a free existance in the woods, so he stripped off his clothes and ran screaming into the untamed wilderlands of Wisconsin.

No one cared.


Stephen walked alone on a narrow hiking path, kicking a pine cone along and keeping his eyes fastened to the ground. Suddenly he heard a rustling, and he looked up expectantly, thinking he'd see a bear or a deer, or at least a raccoon. Instead, the palest, nakedest man he'd ever seen stepped out of the underbrush and stood, his feet planted firm, his hands on his hips, an 'I rule the better part of this universe' look fixed on his face, directly in Stephen's path. Stephen simply gaped.

"I know what you're thinking," the man said, his voice sounding like a superhero in a seventies cartoon, "You envy me, and my free way of life."

"That must be it. . ." Stephen muttered, diverting his eyes from the rather unpleasant path they'd chosen.

"Yes, I was once like you, my dear fellow. Led a normal life, with responsibilities and 'rules.' Do I pity you? No. Well. . . a little. But I do know that one day, you and all the others will wise up and join me here. For I am. . . REGINALD OF THE FOREST!"

"You're. . . not wearing pants. . ."

"Pants are a false standard created by the narrow minded. I have abandoned them to lead a natural existence, like God intended."

"You smell like an elephant's ass."

"Not smelling like an elephant's ass is another false standard."

"I see. . ."

"Now I must go. Like the gentle deer who are my bretheren, I must now flee magestically back into the woods which are my home. Farewell, my fair simpleton!" And with that Reginald lept off the path, tripped over a broken tree branch and fell face first into the dirt. Shrugging, Stephen continued on his way, trying not to look back to Reginald's pasty ass.