WHO AM I?

Maybe part of why I have so much trouble opening up to people is that I don't know who I am. 

WHO AM I?

I know what I like and don't like, but who am I?  Why am I here?  Why do I matter?  What is the point of me?

WHO AM I?

I am a realist.  Religion is not the answer.  Too many if's, maybe's, and possibly's.  But what is?

WHO AM I?

I want, need to be recognized, loved for who I am, but how can that happen when I don't know who I am myself?

WHO AM I?

My parents don't care.  Sometimes I wonder if they even realize that I have a mind, can think, and come to my own conclusions.

WHO AM I?

They don't care because they don't know who I am.  And when you get to the bottom of it, I don't either.

WHO AM I?

What is the purpose of life?  To Be.  What is the purpose of my life?   …Silence…       I can't answer that, and I don't know if anyone can.

WHO AM I?

Who I was, am, and will be – all suddenly thrown into doubt.  Or maybe only just now realized to be in doubt. 

WHO AM I?

It all come down to one, unanswered question –

WHO AM I?

I sit and watch TV or read.  Most of that is fiction, fantasy, sci-fi.  Every- where, when, what, and who other than here and now.  I like to think of myself as the hero, but am I?  Could I face what they do?  Could I be that savior, that special, unique person?  I don't know.  I don't even know who I am.  The mask I show the world is just that – a mask.  I don't know what's underneath, and I'm afraid to look.  My parents hate me, that's a fact.  They think they know me, but all they know is just another mask.  They judge me as who they think they know, but who they think they know and the real me are two very different things.  Who I am inside…  I don't know, and I don't know if I want to.  My parents make me feel like crap.  They act like they know me, like they know so much about me, and their smug superiority angers me far more than I show.  They act like I'm an unthinking monkey, that I have no will, no feelings, no life of my own.  I have all those things, though most of what I show the world is just my will and my mind.  I will not back down!   I will not simply sit there and be pushed aside like unwanted garbage!   I will not agree as they demand to their smug, condescending criticisms.  I was recently insulted the worst I've ever been insulted in my life – by my parents.  They insulted my intelligence to a degree that I have never been insulted before and said that, by trying to help, and DOING WHAT THEY TOLD ME TO that I had completely ruined a previously fun time.  I may not like my parents, but I have NEVER been told that everything I say is wrong, that my talking is like me throwing up garbage and handing it to people.  And they said this to my sister!  I may not like her, but I know she respects my intelligence and can come to me with homework and stuff, and that is just about all the respect I get from my family.  For my parents to condemn me to her like that is unbearable.  And then, after all that, they try to buy me off with dollar-store trinkets and food!  I will not be insulted and then bought off, like some monkey being beaten, then given a banana to forget about it!

And yet, through all that, my mask, for the most part, remained.  I have built a wall of steel around me that only comes down when my anger is hot enough to melt right through it.  Everything else is either in, or out.  I haven't felt love for my parents since several years ago, and I'm pretty sure they feel the same way.  Maybe me reading and playing games is just my way of hiding from the world.  I don't want to open up.  I don't want to be hurt, and most of all, I just want someone who I can trust in the utmost meaning of the word.  Someone I can talk to, think to, express to who won't tell me to shut up or cut me off or yell at me like my parents do.  Some single person who will listen and won't say "that's stupid," or "I can't believe that," or "you're lying."  I used to be able to talk to my dad, but now…  Now he's just like my mother – he won't listen unless it's what he wants to hear.  He just dismisses everything I say as "a phase," or "teenage hormones."  I've gotta tell you, my hormones are under control, and even when they aren't, they're still behind the mask.  I'll say something and he'll just nod and say, "Unh huh."  He hears it, but he just doesn't care.  And you know what's even worse?  I have never seen my parents show any affection for each other at all.  You wouldn't even know they were married if you looked at them in a group.  They don't hug, kiss, or even look at each other in any special way.  The only odd thing is that I can't say anything bad about my mother to my dad.  He won't listen, or will yell at me if I even so much as mention that she was wrong about something, much less how she acts towards me.  I think maybe my father just thinks that everything I say or think is something bad about her now.  He's that crazy about it, though G-D knows she verbally attacks him enough to justify him hating her.  Anything she says in my house is the law.  I get no say whatsoever, and he only gets a partial say.  Sometimes it's almost like my dad can't do anything without her orders.  He waits for her to get home before making food so it isn't cold, and then she yells at him about not having made food.  Its always the same… and I'm just the blob in the background, pushed around, neither really unnoticed nor noticed, like a fly by your ear.  You swat at it offhand, knowing it's there, but not really caring what it's doing or where it's going.

These are my thoughts as I think them.  If they're confusing to follow, welcome to my life (the one behind the mask)

By: Mr. ????? ????? (if you thought I was going to give up my mask, you didn't read too closely)

*****

A different day-

*****


WHO AM I?

I look in the mirror, but the face I see reflected back at me is not mine.  It's a cold, unfeeling mask.

WHO AM I?

I am Willie Wonka, hiding my secrets.  No one gets in; nothing gets out.  But I am now doubting what's inside.

WHO AM I?

In keeping everyone out and everything in, I've lost sight of who I am.  The me that makes me special, unique.

WHO AM I?

If I let anyone in, I could get hurt, so I lock myself tight, but noone will know who I am inside.

WHO AM I?

I may like this girl, but how can I know, and how can I know if she likes me if I don't know who "me" is?

WHO AM I?

SOMEONE TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am having a crisis and I'm not sure how to say it.  I love fantasy, action, and adventure, but to really be good, they must have some romance.  Pure fantasy, action, or adventure are just boring.  I love the interplay between characters, the hints, the testing of the waters, the tricks, and the revelation of feelings, but…  I have absolutely no hope whatsoever of accomplishing these things in real life.  I want to, but how can I open myself to feeling when I'm hiding under a mask?  I wish there was one of those old-fashioned costume parties where noone had any ideas who others were.  Then the mask could be on the outside and I could express myself truly and honestly to others I know at least once in my life.  But I fear that even then I would fail.  I have little experience with others, though it is growing since I moved to a larger school.  My line between friend and more is still distressingly fuzzy, and that makes things even worse.  I want this girl to like me, but how can I get her to if I have no idea where that line is or how to approach it?  So I push her away, not wanting to make a mistake, but pushing her away is one too!  I have absolutely no idea how I'm supposed to show someone my feelings when they're all hidden behind a mask and everything I do around her seems to be the wrong thing.  Even worse, I recently realized that I don't even know who's under the mask.  I know how I feel, but how would everyone react?  I'm not even sure if I'll post this yet.  How would you react?  This is almost like a diary to me.  My inner thoughts – the guy behind the mask.  Do I really want to show this and be judged by people I don't even know?  But in doing this, I have my mask.  If someone reads this and recognized who this is, please don't say anything.  I don't want to make threats, but you really don't want to make me angry by telling anyone do you?  And don't be too harsh ok?  This is how I feel, and whether you agree or not on things, these are my thoughts.  I need to express them – to show someone them!  I need to go now – I'm only really able to say these things when I'm too tired to be angry or keep up the façade of my life. 

I'd like to hear your opinions.  Though I'll keep writing this, your responses will determine whether it goes on, or whether I start recording my thoughts and feelings behind a triple-locked, password encoded safe on my computer for the rest of my life.

By: Mr. ????? ?????