2-25-05 – 12AM
I was sitting here, thinking, coming up with ideas, and I realized something. All of the books, all of the Fanfics, everything I read, I'm looking for something. There's that one thing I search for unconsciously that makes what I read stick, or is why I read it. Everything I read, the main characters (at least one of them) has someone, or multiple someones. That's what I'm looking for. Someone like me. The stories I read, the connections the characters make, mental, emotional, soulful connections with each other to the point where they know and understand each other inside and out. And I don't necessarily mean just love relationships. The way that Kouru's friends are her rock, her solid ground, through the hurricane of her life in many Rurouni Kenshin fanfics… That's something I never had, and that's all I want. A friend who knows how I feel, who understands me and sticks by me. I can't say I know how to be a great friend. I haven't had the time to learn. But I can say that if I'd had just one person - one person – who had been with me and been my friend from the beginning, I would have been ok. Everything wouldn't be great, I mean, nothing is ever perfect, but… I can't help but feel that if there was one person, one person who stood by me from the beginning, I might not be like I am now. I wouldn't be getting thrown everywhere. I would have an anchor to steady me, or at least a companion to mediate me. Maybe that's why I have such an issue with the difference between love and deep friendship. I don't really care as much which it is as I do that it's there. In my rational mind, I need to define what it is, but in my deeper mind, I don't care, I just want someone to be there. Maybe that's why I like little kids and being an unburdening point for other people. For the short time they're there, they care. Little kids give their love (platonic, obviously) freely, and without restrictions. People who need someone to unburden themselves to, the fact that they can trust me to keep their issues, or secrets, gives at least the semblance of that connection I long for. When I walked into the schoolyard in Kindergarten, I realized something, without really knowing. Everyone had a friend. Everyone had someone they knew and could laugh and joke, and have fun with but me. I didn't live near anyone else my age but maybe 2 people, and they had their own lives. It seemed like everyone else lived in some happy town a million miles away and nothing I could do, nothing I could say could ever get me there. I was stuck in the land of the retired. I'm just going to warn you people, if I grab on to any of you and get my roots into you good, expect me to stay. If I get a hold of at least one person like the friends in the fanfics, I am never, got me, never going to let go any time soon. We may move, we may be separated, but there is no way once I get a relationship like that, that I am ever going to let myself be alone again. I couldn't do it to me, and I couldn't do it to you. I'm just warning you, if this frightens you, I'm not surprised, because it kind of frightens me. I don't want to be that way, but I'm just warning you people, if I start to care, and I mean really care, I'm not letting go so easily. And don't worry about the "mean man commin' for you", because I could never get that close to someone who didn't like me back. But until that happens, I'm stuck out here, a boat with an engine and no rudder.
- And PunkLycan (Katie), thanks for talking to me. (I mean it!)
- And thank everyone else who has reviewed and responded about what I've written. I may not remember you all off the top of my head, but I have a horrible memory, even with the irregular, descriptive names people come up with here, so I hope you forgive me.
- I may (and probably will) tack on another day's thoughts after this, so if you don't see another chapter, that doesn't mean there isn't more there!
10:00PM , 10-21-05
I was watching one of those stupid reality shows and I realized something. The one thing that I am truly afraid of, the one thing that makes me shake (everyone has something, whether they admit it or not), the one thing that hits me in the heart is love. There are no fairy-tales. There is no perfect, painless love. I've read a lot of stories – thousands, at least – and in every one of them, every one, love comes with pain. Always. Often incredible amounts of it, many times driving people to do things that they swore they'd never do – drink, drugs, sex, cutting, violence, and many lesser things. And it can screw up people around you too. Even if you, personally, have a painless love, you're always hurting someone. There's always someone in pain when you love. I've often said/thought-to-myself that I incorporate what I read into myself, and I'm beginning to wonder just how far it goes. I feel like I've been through the pain these people have felt. Books were my only friends for many years, so I learned to make myself feel what the people in the book do. I still have an outside opinion, but I often find myself saying things in the book the way they are described. I feel the emotions as they are written. If I feel as horrible as I do when people get hurt from love, how bad is the real thing? How horrible is the real feeling if I strip away the final line I keep between myself and the world? I've started to loosen up about a lot of things, but I don't know if I can handle love.
Ever since around first grade, I've fought for control of my feelings. I hurt people when I was just a little kid. How bad would it be if I lost control now? Ever since around first grade, I prided myself first in my progress, then in my control of myself. To love means to give up control. To give up being able to control myself. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I event took up karate for a while when I was around 10 to keep control. I know I'm not strong enough to seriously physically hurt most athletes in my school, but I know how much emotional hurt hurts too. I know it's stupid to keep myself from feeling not to hurt anybody, but I just can't. I can't let myself hurt anybody. It's who I am now. I let myself be selfish in laziness in private, rather than openly to others. I would be quite happy to do something to help a complete stranger, provided it didn't hurt someone else. I can't be selfish. I can't hurt anyone. I can't feel. I WON'T! Bad things happen when I am happy. If I am happy, someone else suffers. I avoid being enemies as much as I avoid being friends. I try to be rational about everything. I try to be sane, but every time I think about my emotions, reality breaks down, reasoning fails, and all hell breaks loose. I want close friends – I want someone to be there, but if I let them, someone will get hurt. So I take comfort in others' happiness and stand by the side, making things smoother and never throwing myself into the torrent of emotions everyone else has.
The problem is I just can't stop feeling. I can bottle it up, I can let it out through other ways, I can do all this. Yet it never stops. It always changes. The rationale behind my feelings is never the same. Sure, the facts are, but the way they feel and why they feel are never the same. My original reason for finding this was to sort out myself and figure out who I am. As with anything else, I tried to take myself apart. I tried to break myself down into little bits and figure out who I was – yes, was – and I realized something. I am never the same. The facts behind me are, but the feelings, the feelings are never quite the same. Maybe I'm crazy – maybe I've been crazy. Who cares? Nobody! I want them to, yet at the same time I don't. Why can't what I want and what they want be the same for once? I want to make others happy, but then who's there to do it for me?
- If I don't make sense… No, it's not just you
- If you think I'm pathetic, yes I probably am, but if you tell it to my face, you better be ready to run.
- Regardless of what some of you may think, I'm not looking for pity or sympathy. Empathy, maybe, but not pity or sympathy.
- Yes, books influence me a lot. I like reading, as I actually get to feel things through the characters – no harm, no foul, right?
- If you're wondering what brings these bits out, it's usually a combination of exhaustion and either early hours or something seemingly insignificant.