My Lovers Notebooks

"Hail Mary full of grace the lord is with thee

blessed art though amongst woman and blessed the fruit of thy womb Jesus"

I was young


within my dream of a father who would not harm me.

I wore a crucifix around my neck for love of you




I loved you

and you let me fall.

Desi is dead

haven't you seen that yet

she died with Josh

and his flattery,

his kisses,

his litany that made me consider the past.

His promises

that I was beautiful

and special

the ungrateful silence that followed his absence.

I screamed.

I begged

but faith could not save me from that pain.

The illusion that was Desi

was over

and Desirae was born




I would not be silenced.


Your lies crippled me and will forever interact with every other relationship that I ever form.

You want some good news

I still feel you beside me when I sleep

I still see that little girl that you wanted me to have

that child growing in my belly that you promised never to hit

never to yell at.

That little girl who would never feel like I did growing up.


I don't long for you like I do Josh

I had leaned by then.

I miss the fact that I saw something in you

in that respect I will never learn.

I wanted to fix you

Like I wanted to fix Josh.

I wish you well

I hope that one day you find what you are truly looking for.


I demand nothing less then justice from you

and I hope that in your lust you exonerate your victims.

I am not one of them

you never seemed

to know

or care

that I would never do that with you.

You never seemed to know that their is more to love then sex

that their is more to passion then hate and regret

that their is more to the future then who you can have at your arm and walk beside you.

I don't miss that time to much

its just that I allowed myself to forget with you.

To no longer have the past written on my face like a brand.

I thought

that within you was something different.

I hope

that you only lie lonely

and that

your next victim will scream loud enough to be heard.


How sweet was Florence

possessed into that life that we both wanted but were to young to grab hold of.

How sweet were the illusions that are kisses made us feel.

I made you laugh

you made me feel safe.

I will never look at cobblestones and not think of you

I will never look at night the same way

and with night will I always see your face.

I pry that you find Florence

and your Italy

I pry that if not now

then one day we will meet again.