First grade wasn't really that much different. We moved from letters and words to sentences and the beginning of my endless grammar classes. *This lead me to reading, my favorite hobby (its always fun to watch people stare at the idiot with a couple 500-1000 page books, especially when it's a "kid")* I started reading small books, like Clifford, and stuff like that. My social life was still non-existent, but its impossible for a little kid to live without other kids, and when nobody wanted anything to do with me, I took to making fun of kids. The only problem was (and still is) that I couldn't take someone making fun back at me. I thought I had the right to make fun of them because they shunned me, but they didn't see it that way. They saw me as cruel, and looking back, I guess I was, but all I could think about was how they deserved it. I never thought I deserved it when they teased me back. Eventually, I started taking my anger out any way I could. That, unfortunately for me and those unlucky enough to be teasing me at the time, included kicking and punching. I was sent to the office, where I tried –in vain– to make they see that the other kids had deserved it. No one believed me. *This eventually led to a very disturbing point in my life where I felt that I was the only one who believed me, and everyone else was thinking I was lying. This, in turn, led to me thinking things through way too much and becoming very indecisive, preferring to let other pick things so I couldn't be called wrong. I am still dealing with the indecisive problem, as it's still affecting me today.* I did this so much that I eventually got suspended. That's right! Suspended! As a first grader (maybe it was second – my memory isn't that good about dates and times)! This was when I was put on the – dun dun dun…. Red card/ Green card system. At this point, I think my principal thought it was hopeless and the current punishments weren't working. You see, at the end of the day, I'd get a card from the principal based on how I'd acted – a red card if it was a bad day and a green card if it was a good day. It didn't help me socially, but it did help me figure out just how much bad stuff I was doing. I remember my first couple of weeks I got red cards. I kept causing trouble for the teachers too J. A real funny point was when I didn't know what the middle finger was, and someone older (I was being loud and obnoxious and was sent to sit outside the class) told me to go up to my teacher and ask her what it meant. When I did, I just got yelled at a whole lot and got the closest thing to detention that a teacher is allowed to give a first grader.
Btw, these are gonna get longer for the most part 'cus I can remember more stuff from the more recent grades
In second grade, I learned the horror of cursive! *I hate cursive and never use it if I don't have to* I had several very odd experiences that year. I copied most of a book I liked because I wanted to take it home and my parents started thinking I was going to be writing genius (until I told them it was copied). I also told a girl I liked her (not like-like or love, just that I didn't think she was mean like the others.) She was never really mean to anyone and didn't seem to hate me like most of the other kids did, but when I told her, she looked at me with this expression that said 'Do I care? You're disgusting and are beneath me.' That's when I learned never to trust a girl with your feelings. *no offense girls out there, that's just my experience!* I can tell you that put me in a funk for quite a while. *Did I mention that part of how I managed to get in so much trouble is that I was at school for a whopping 11 hrs? That's right, 11 hours I was there from 6 in the morning to 5 in the evening. Needless to say, this didn't exactly help me believe that my parents loved, or even liked me.*At this point, my card ratings were about half red, half green. The red was mainly from this really annoying kid in the before and after care with me. He just wouldn't shut up and he had this high, whining voice that got on my nerves every time. Every time he opened his mouth near me, he managed to say something insulting or just incredibly annoying. Needless to say, he was the last one I stopped punching. I had switched from punching most of the other people to just annoying them with things I liked or things that got on their nerves. I chased the girls around for a couple of months pretending I would kiss them J. My like of bugs was invaluable in making teachers stay away or actually scare. *very funny for me J* Around then I started playing soccer too. I was pretty good – not great, but not bad. It was then that I joined a soccer team. I still have the trophies, and I had fun for a while, but eventually it lost its appeal when I realized my teammates didn't really like me much either. I also tried out for a baseball team, but I was absolutely horrible *I am horrible at almost everything that ends in "ball" – baseball, basketball, volley ball (I'm ok at football).* Near the end of the year, I especially teased this one girl with a high-pitched voice (like nails on a chalkboard) until she cried. I felt really guilty, especially when she moved away the next year. I felt like I had made her move. Needless to say, my attempts at social interaction didn't go well….
Note: For all of you who read "Who Am I?" the above was written before "Who Am I", and might explain why I hid behind a mask for over half a dozen years. The thoughts expressed in both writings are closely connected, and both helped make and perpetuate each other. Without the mask I would have made more friends. With friends I would not have needed the mask.
Another note: Back then I had very little tolerance and was very quick to anger. Unfortunately, I had to learn tolerance the hard way.
Yet another note: Did I mention that I was in private school? There were less than 2000 people in the entire school, K-8th grade, for most of the time I was there, so once people knew your reputation, there was noone but new kids who would give you a chance.
Most people's lives get more active as they get older, but mine is actually getting calmer. For once I don't have so much stress it takes me a half an hour to an hour with lights off and no sound to get me to sleep.