Control

Why is it that I've lost control?
Things used to be so simple,
I used to decide my own feelings, my thoughts.
Now they are all jumbled together
And I do not even recognize them as mine.

Why is it that, for some strange reason,
I like being this way; I don't want to change,
But I keep trying to suppress what I feel.
Maybe I just don't want to accept it,
This loss of control.

Or maybe I don't trust myself, maybe
I need to learn that I can trust my instincts
Even if they are telling me many different things.
My instincts have saved me more than once,
So why do I keep ignoring them? Why?

I am afraid, maybe that's why. Very afraid.
Afraid of messing things up, of losing my happiness.
I wish the fear would leave me be.
It should just disappear; I wish I could control it.
But I can't, and I never will be able to.

I must face the facts now.
I have lost it, and I will never get it back.
I am going to miss it, but maybe,
Just maybe, I am better off without it.
Without my control.