Writing Reviews in Three Easy Steps

By the one and only C. Pockets

So you read a fantastical story and want to review it, but the words just don't come to you. Or maybe you can write great stories but are really bad at reviewing. Well, have no fear; I'm here to help you out with my guide to writing reviews. With just three easy steps you can write a wonderful review that will make you sound smart.

Step One: Compliment the story

This step is essential. Complimenting the story right off the bat will put you on good terms with the author, or, better yet, put them in a good mood so whatever horrible things you say next won't hurt them as bad.

To do this, it's simple. Just type, "This story is " and insert a word of your choosing, preferably one that is synonymous with great. Be creative, the more syllables and flattering the word, the better the mood of the author.

Step Two: Constructive criticism

All authors are looking to improve their work, that's why they post it on Fictionpress, to get constructive criticism. They like to know what they can improve on and will happily do so if you tell them. So, don't be afraid, tell them something they can improve on, or rip their writing to shreds in a unmerciful slaughter, that's really your choice. If you are going to do the unmerciful slaughtering thing, please make sure to include an extra big, extra flattering word in step one, four syllables at least. Make one up if you have to.

This, like the above step, can be done simply. Type, "I think you can improve on your " and then fill in the blank. You can choose your own topic, or choose from the following list: Spelling, grammar, style, Sean Connery impersonation, character development, world development, character interaction, descriptions, rubber ducky songs, world's religion or history, buns and thighs, writing technique, or pineapple recipes.

If you're going to say something about spelling and grammar mistakes don't just say, "You have a few spelling and grammar mistakes here and there." Point out in what sentences the mistakes are in. This helps the author crack down on those nasty mistakes without spending hours upon hours reading and re-reading their story trying to find one little teensy-weensy mistake. You can also do this for confusing passages.

Step Three: Finishing off your review

Now, to finish your review. Here you have the choice of one of two phrases, you could either finish with, "Penguins rock!" or "Orlando Bloom is hot!" It's up to you.

If you don't think penguins rock or that Orlando Bloom is hot you can come up with your own finishing phrase, offer words of encouragement to the author so they'll keep writing, or just omit step three altogether. Warning: Don't say any bad things about penguins. Raging penguin enthusiasts will hunt you down and they will beat you to death with blocks of ice and fish.

If what you're reviewing is not a story but is in fact a poem, essay, or play, just replace the word 'story' in step one with the appropriate word.

There you go, three easy steps to writing great reviews. So get out there and review.

Disclaimer: I am no expert. I cannot guarantee that this guide will in any way make reviewing easier or help you sound smart when you do review. This essay is merely for my own amusement. Please do not sue me, kill me, or find me responsible for your Aunt Myrtle's death. If you like it, review, or better yet, send me money.

Read it, review it, worship me,

C. Pockets