Make a Move
I knew I could never tell him how I felt. Never in my life had I told anyone that I loved them, not even my own parents, so telling him was a far away thing. I sighed, my life was a complete mess at the moment, and nothing seemed to be right side up. Too much was happening and I couldn't keep up with it all, I couldn't control my emotions any longer. I got up from my bed and decided to take a walk in the park. If there was anything, a walk in the park was the most soothing thing in the world. These walks were my way of sorting things out in my mind, they gave me the courage I needed to just survive.

It was around five in the evening, and it wasn't too hot. In fact the air was just right, with a slight warm breeze blowing, the kind that makes you want to stand in one place forever just feeling the air running through your hair. The weather would have been very enjoyable if only I weren't feeling so down in the dumps.

I had met Chris when we were just five years old. He was my dad's friend's son and because of that we used to be at each others house often. I still remember that Halloween night when I met him at the children's party. He was dressed as Daffy Duck and I was dressed as a faerie. He accidentally dropped punch on my costume and I remember running to my mom crying, while he laughed his heart out. The next time I met him, I refused to speak to him until he apologized and gave me half of his action figures. Since then, we had become inseparable friends..until now.

Twelve years later, I now find I am beginning to have feelings for him I had never had before. I had fallen in love with my best friend, and this was just the beginning. I had dated a couple of guys, but the relationships never worked out because I never had any "real" feelings for the guy. I never felt that intense feeling of joy being with them which I felt when I was with Chris. It was just his dark blue eyes, his light brown hair, his broad strong shoulders, his deep voice, his amazing smile which was enough to lighten anyone's day, and most of all his wonderful nature that drew me towards him, even when I knew we couldn't ruin our friendship with this love thing.

It would have been okay to have fallen in love with anyone else, anyone other than my best friend. Every time I thought about it I would realize that on one side I had our friendship and on the other side I had my passionate feelings for him, and knew that the loss of either would make me miserable, make me empty. One would say that love is worth more than friendship, but they don't realize rejection is always possible, and even worse, breakup. I didn't want to lose the most important person in my life just because I fell in love with him. No, this wasn't right at all and I knew I had no way of crawling out of my problem.

I walked in silence, devoid of all thoughts. There was an eerie silence all over the park, which was odd considering the fact that it was the biggest park in the city. Rumors had it that the park was built on top of a Native American graveyard. I shivered at the thought. The park was the most beautiful sanctuary I could find in the city. With its beautiful tall redwoods, the large variety of colorful flowers, the luscious fruits, and the pond with the ducks and swans, anyone would wonder how it could be built on an ancient graveyard. Anybody would wonder how so much life could grow in the same soils that were contaminated with death.

I laughed at the thought of death. What was death but a mere formality which needed to be taken care of before a soul could move onto living a better life? What was love but a sheer reason to live your present underprivileged life? Death and love are interrelated, no one knows why one dies, nor do they know why we fall in love, both are a mystery to mankind. Death just isn't complete if you haven't experienced love and love just isn't the same if you don't understand the pain of death, the loss of a loved one. There was so much irony involved in the relationship between the two.

Coming back to my senses I realized what thinking of Chris had led me to think. Comparing death and love isn't the sanest thing to do, the two are just too different, but it's ironic, what I was thinking was so true. Recently my best friend, Angel, committed suicide and her loss was so overwhelming that I had literally lost the will to live myself. Chris was my new angel, always watching over me, comforting me, and just being there when I needed him. This is when our friendship took a new turn, this is when I came to know the real him better than ever before, this is when I fell in love with him. It's funny how intense pain can trigger an emotion as strong as love, that too for someone so unexpected.

I sighed and sat on a bench. I watched a couple passionately kissing by the water fountain. I smiled to myself, now I knew what I had to do. I got up and decided to walk back to Chris's house. I had to have a long talk with him, I needed to know how he felt about me. The only problem was I wasn't too sure how to make him tell me how he feels about me without having to tell him that I'm in love with him. I had my whole walk to his place to make a plan.

I opened his front door and walked to his room making sure to greet his mom and his younger brother who was watching television. From his room I could hear loud music, a song I instantly recognized to be "Make a Move" by Lostprophets. This had been my theme song for the past one month, since I started liking Chris. I'd listen to it over and over again trying to absorb the lyrics to give me enough courage to tell Chris that I liked him.

I pushed open the door and said, "Hey Chris. W-what's up?" He turned around to meet my gaze and smiled the moment he saw me. Then he got up gave me a kiss on my cheek and then gave me a hug.

"I was hoping you'd drop in." He gave me his perfect smile before he cleared some space on his bed and asked me to sit down. Then he sat down so close to me I could feel his body heat. Why was he such a great guy?

"We need to talk."

"I'm listening. Is anything wrong?"

"Listen," I gulped, I decided to just tell him how I felt, it was no use hiding it from him, "I need to tell you something. It's a bit weird, but I hope it isn't wrong. I hope you won't mind, I hope this won't change anything between us."

Chris had a concerned look on his face and his eyes had turned that serious blue color I resented. He was quiet and just nodded his head. "I-I- I" I couldn't say it; I was too scared, afraid of rejection.

Chris grabbed my hand with concern and said, "What happened to my girl? Are you okay?" By this time we were so close to each other that I could hear and feel his heartbeat. My heart was beating like crazy, I was afraid it would jump out of my body. Our eyes were locked together and neither of us spoke. The situation was weird, but in his eyes I saw what I had been longing to see since I started loving him. In the deep blue concerned eyes, I saw a hidden glint of love for me. He was afraid for me because he loved me back, he couldn't bear to think I was hurt and from the way I was hesitating in talking to him, he thought someone or something hurt me.

I quickly pulled away and stared at the ground. I realized he loved not me but someone else, his eyes told me so. I was just his best friend and would always be. "What's wrong?" he asked me, but I refused to reply. I was trying my best not to cry. Dejected, rejected, I sat staring out the window. He pulled me close to him, but I pulled away. I felt betrayed, I was angry with myself. How could I mistaken the look in his eyes to be love when it was just concern for me, his best friend?

I got up to leave, but Chris pulled me into a big hug and told me he wouldn't let me go until I told him what was up, why I was literally in tears. I lied to him in spite of the fact that he could tell when I was lying. I told him I was feeling low because of Angel's suicide attempt, but he read right through it. He was holding me and with one hand ran a finger down my cheek. Then he said something which shocked me, "Amanda, you're in love with me aren't you?"

I stammered and said, "I-yeah, I mean, how-how'd you know, no I mean who told you?" He leaned closer to me and soon our lips met. The feeling was so intense that I was actually afraid I would faint because of extreme joy. This was truly bliss. Soon his tongue entered my mouth and I was filled with a feeling of ecstasy. At the same time he was tracing a pattern on my back which made me want more. Chris tasted so good I never wanted to stop tasting him. Finally we pulled away.

Chris winked and suddenly disappeared into thin air. His room dissolved and my room reformed right in front of my eyes. I was standing here in my room alone, realizing it was just my imagination. I had ended up walking back to my house instead of his. No, I never could tell him how much I loved him, how much I cared about him, how much I longed for him. It was impossible for me to tell anyone that I loved him, I was just too chicken. Oh if only what I had imagined were true. The only thing I didn't like was the look in his eyes in my imagination; it wasn't love for me but for someone else.

Up to last year I didn't even believe in love. Everyday at high school I would watch people breakup, watch them cheat on each other, and saw how materialistic everyone was. No, love didn't exist, these days all people care about is money, good looks, and sex. In fact the reason Angel left us was because she was depressed after her breakup with her boyfriend and felt she wasn't good enough. She claimed she loved him a lot and everyone knows exactly how much he loved her, after all he did cheat on her and leave her there in the rain to cry. I was even more convinced that love didn't exist after her burial, but Chris twisted my beliefs and made me fall in love with him. ".Everything seems tempting, but nothing comes for free." not even love.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked up into dark blue eyes. "How come you didn't come over today? You actually got me worried. Not thinking about Angel are you?"

"Chris." I was tongue-tied as I saw him with that worried expression on his face. His lips were twisted into a slight frown, which he always got whenever he was worried about someone. That frown always made him look much older and much more intellectual. It was the kind of look which comforted a mourning person.

"What were you thinking? You didn't even realize I entered your room until I put my hand on your shoulder. If it's about Angel, then I'm telling you not to get depressed about it, she's out there watching us and trust me, she's happy. Don't ruin her happiness by being all sad and stuff. There's still tomorrow, forget the sorrow, I, your prince charming, am here!"

I smiled, he was the only one who could make me smile and I loved him for that. "No, not about Angel."

"Then what was that about the way you seemed to stare right through me. You only get that far away look in your eyes when you're sad or you're confused. What is it Amanda?" He had both his hands on my shoulders, "What's wrong?"

I had always had this thing about never looking a person in the eyes when I was sad, angry, or when I was lying. I looked away on this occasion and said, "Nothing."

Now he got that angry grimace, which I knew was dangerous. He had always felt that since the two of us were such good friends, we weren't suppose to hide our innermost feelings from each other, we weren't suppose to keep secrets from each other. He said, "Don't lie to me Amanda. Something's on your mind and I demand to know what it is." His voice had a hint of anger in it and suddenly I was scared of him. "You know that we aren't suppose to keep things from each other. Come on cough up the truth."

Chris had never spoken to me in that tone before. I cowered back from his tall frame, I was frightened. I managed to let out a squeak but that was about all. I stared into his eyes and all I saw was anger. I wondered what had happened, why was he so angry, had I done something wrong? I kept walking back until I was close to the wall. He moved closer and closer and then pinned me against the wall. His face was just a centimeter away from mine and all I could see in his eyes was anger and pain.

"Come on, tell me what's on your mind?"

"No-noth-nothing. I w-was j-j-just th-thinking about t-the p-p-p-past."

"Is it true?"


"Today I overheard your friends talking. They were saying something about you having become obsessed with me, you know, you can't stop thinking about me. Something about you liking me in ways more than 'just' friends do. Is it true Amanda?"

I gulped and then shook my head, I didn't like the look on his face. The scowl had distorted his handsome features and made me think of serpents, the same kind of evil look was on his face. I looked at his chain, it was the Cross going through a skull with a cobra coming out of its mouth. "I don't like you in that way." I was red hot in the face, this was too embarrassing.

He let go of me and walked to my window. Then he turned around to face me and said, "I'm sorry Amanda, I shouldn't have done that. It's just shocking you, I mean YOU, can like me in that way. It makes me angry because I really can't like you back."

My world was suddenly shattering around me. What I was afraid of had happened, the love of my life had just turned me down. I just looked right through him and murmured, "Why?"

He turned to face the window again. Then he turned around and walked over to me. "The problem isn't in you Amanda. You're the nicest girl I've ever known, and if I had the ability to fall in love with a girl then you'd definitely be the one. Ever wonder why I've dated only one girl in the past?"

I looked at him and saw the embarrassment in his eyes. I knew what he was going to tell me.

"I have to confess something Amanda. I've told you almost everything about myself other than one thing. Promise me you won't hate me for this, and promise me we can still be best friends."

I nodded, it did hurt to think that he never could like me, but at least he had a valid reason not to like me. At least he wasn't telling me I wasn't good enough for him. Though this may sound selfish, after all it was more painful for him than for me, I couldn't help thinking the way I did and feeling a bit happy.

"Amanda, I'm gay."

The song playing in my room was "To Hell We Ride" by Lostprophets. The lyrics were saying, ".Everything feels tempting, we don't know who to be. I often wonder how you feel, when you're lying next to me."


It's okay, don't apologize You don't know what you're striving for You never seem to try It's too early, go live your life Keep on moving, it's time to RIDE RIDE RIDE NOW IT'S TIME TO RIDE RIDE RIDE

Everything seems tempting But nothing comes for free I often wonder how you drive When the road's too dark to see It's too early, it's time to RIDE RIDE RIDE

Everything feels tempting We don't know who to be I often wonder how you feel When you're lying next to me It's too early, it's time to.
-Lostprophets ("To Hell We Ride")