SATURDAY
Saturday is the loneliest day. I sit here bored, bored out of my mind.
The boredom reigns heavy in the air, slowly suffocating me.
I want to go do something but I am not sure what. I want to do something.
No one is online, and my phone isn't ringing.I don't want to be the person
to ram my way into someone's life, so that we can do something. Besides I
am broke.
I could go buy the rest of my textbooks, but I don't want to max out the
card.
I haven't had money lately, it is driving me insane. I don't really need
the books right now. I don't think. I hope not, anyway.
The credit card people love me though, they are happy for the fact that
after they upped my limit, I splurge on something. I probably shouldn't
have.
I get bored easily, and I need new things to play with.
Maybe the DVD player wasn't the right choice; I really haven't watched any
DVDs recently, movies in general. Not since I was home.
I feel like stabbing myself in the eye with one of the thousands of pens I
have.
Then, I start to question would it hurt? Would I bleed to death?
Would anyone care if I lay in my room dying because of the pen in my eye?
Crying, dying, crying.
The blood seeping out all over the bed.
I wonder where my roommate is, she was suppose to come today.
I know she has a key.
Will she come into the room, see all the stuff, and freak out,
Like that one chick.
It is not my fault. I have an obsession with having things, and before I
was able to pay for most of it. But now, I am crushed. I feel empty.
The damn voices are back together, making my mind feel like a war zone.
How come I can only have four happy days, why do you have to come back?
I don't need you right now, clouding my judgment with lies.
Too many lies.My head hurts.I wish the battle would take a permanent break.
The voices are starting to bring some of my fantasies back.
I don't need that; they are never going to happen.
I want to buy a movie, the new one with the worms in the west,
A cheesy horror movie, but funny.
Mainly, I want to see one of the main characters.well, not main so much,
but hot.
He is attractive. I am fascinated by him. I want to watch it, and laugh at
him, and smile.
He did his own stunts.
I don't have that movie yet. Maybe in awhile I will buy it.
I could watch the TV show of where he is a minor character, but I don't
want to.
I don't want to see anything new either. I actually want to go back to
sleep.
I can't sleep though. I had to wake up so early, my paranoid fear my
roommate would come as I happily doze in dream land.
I think the voices are back because my dreams were bizarre last night. One
in particular with this guy I have never seen, and an argument, and
something about me and asking for sex. I don't know, it was weird.I know
that sometimes, I think I am weird, but this cuts the cake. Plus, I have
been having a lot of weird dreams lately, like the one where a friend of
mine was standing outside a window, not mine,
He was in a huge group. And I was watching because most of the people were
shouting at the person in the window they were below. And he gazed in my
direction, with a sad sort of smile. Almost like he was giving me some
secret, death knowledge or something.
Ramble, ramble all this poem is. I am bored, what do you expect.
I still want to stab myself in the eye. But I won't.
My friend is online, she is not talking. I am sad. Maybe I will watch a
movie later.
Or maybe there will be actually something to do.
Until then, Saturday is the loneliest day of the week.