GOON SHOW
=========
I think I'd better put a quick note of explanation here, as I suspect quite a few people will never have heard of the Goon Show! It was a BBC Radio program that aired on the Home Service in the 50s and 60s. The people involved (mainly) were Spike Milligan, Harry Secombe and Peter Sellers. Spike Milligan was really the brains behind it!
Anyway. It was a very zany, very silly, comedy show which became very popular. The characters all had rather silly voices (well, maybe not silly but not particularly normal either). They also had catchphrases... now, if you've never listened to a Goon Show, I doubt very much you will be able to appreciate a lot of what happens. Reading this might help:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/comedy/progpages/goons.shtml
Also, this is a great resource:
http://www.thegoonshow.co.uk
Anyway, without further ado, I present to you...
The Baffling Case of the Vanishing Table
========================================
GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC Home Service.
SEAGOON:
Lies I tell you! I haven't had a service at home in years!
GREENSLADE:
Please, Mr. Seagoon, let me finish introducing the show!
SEAGOON:
What what what what what what what what what what?
GREENSLADE:
Shut up!
SEAGOON:
Shut up Eccles!
GREENSLADE:
Shut up Eccles!
ECCLES:
Shut up Eccles
GREENSLADE:
Shut up Eccles!
SEAGOON:
Shut up Eccles
(etc)
GREENSLADE:
The BBC would like to apologise for that interruption. Normal service will be resumed as soon as this program has finished. Now, we proudly present to you Spik Millogan, Petra Stellers and Hairy Secondhand in THE GOONS!
[SFX: Fanfare]
GREENSLADE:
Thankyou. We open in the basement of a disused dog patting factory, where a meeting of elderly gents is taking place. Part one.
ELDERLY GENT:
Mumbles incoherently, and then "Part one"
GREENSLADE:
And now, a recording of a small fish-tank wedged in a pillow-case in South Surbiton.
[SFX: Watery sounds]
GREENSLADE:
Not very exciting, is it?
SEAGOON:
Get on with it Wal!
[SFX: Crowd of people shouting]
GREENSLADE:
*ahem* We now take you to the annual general meeting of the vanishing table society.
SEAGOON:
But there's nobody here!
GREENSLADE:
That's because they've vanished.
SEAGOON:
But what - I recognise those baggy trousers and baggy mittens! Surely it can't be...
CRUN:
Good morning
SEAGOON:
Morning
CRUN:
Morning
(etc)
SEAGOON:
Well, that's another 30 seconds wasted! Crun, what are you doing here?
CRUN:
We build tables, don't we Minnie?
MINNIE:
That's right, Henry.
SEAGOON:
So what are you doing at a meeting of the vanishing table society?
CRUN:
We think the tables never existed in the first place! You can't get the wood, you know.
MINNIE:
You can't get the wood, Henry.
CRUN:
You can't get it, Min.
MINNIE:
You can't get it, Henry.
SEAGOON:
Are you saying that the vanishing table society are cheating, by not building those tables in the first place?
CRUN:
No, I was saying that you can't get the wood, you know, wasn't I Min?
MINNIE:
That's right, Henry.
SEAGOON:
Curses, they're more dastardly than I thought! I must go and report them to the vanishing furniture society.
CRUN:
It's no good
SEAGOON:
Why?
CRUN:
They've vanished.
MINNIE:
You can't get the wood, you know
SEAGOON:
Curses! Let's see what's behind this green door.
[SFX: Door opening]
SEAGOON:
AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[SFX: Splash]
LITTLE JIM:
He's fallen in the water!
ECCLES:
Are you OK?
SEAGOON:
Yes, it was just that someone had left half of their bath water behind that door
ECCLES:
Yep, that was me. I've been looking for it since 10:00 tomorrow morning
SEAGOON:
10:00 tomorrow morning? How cunning you are! I wish I had the hindsight to do things like that. What's the bathwater for?
ECCLES:
So I can have a bath!
SEAGOON:
Oh, the devilish cunning of these people! What are you doing here?
ECCLES:
I was taking a bath, and then half of the bathwater vanished.
SEAGOON:
You were taking a bath?
ECCLES:
Yeah, but the owner wasn't too happy about it
BLUEBOTTLE:
Yeah, you rotten swine you! I was half-way through taking my bath, when you came along and spoils it! Enter Bluebottle stage left. Notices audience! A-hee-hee! Good evening! Takes bow, notices large tearing noise in bathrobe from behind, moves slowly to the left facing forward.
SEAGOON:
Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes, my little hair capitane?
SEAGOON:
Where did you get that bath from
BLUEBOTTLE:
From the tap!
SEAGOON:
That means, there's a good chance that it came from the water company
SEAGOON, ECCLES, AND BLUEBOTTLE:
There's a good chance that it came from the water company
SEAGOON:
Right! In that case, take me to a photographed statue of the antique Roman vanishing harmonica, Maximus Geldray!
[SFX: From "Gladiator", crowd shouting 'Maximus, Maximus']
MAX GELDRAY
GREENSLADE:
In the previous exciting instalment of the Shoon Go, we left Seagoon pondering over half a bath and a vanishing table. In part two, we now take you to a highrise block buried ten feet above the ground somewhere in Hertfordshire, to a meeting of Elderly Gents.
ELDERLY GENT:
Mumbles incoherently, and then "Part two"
GREENSLADE:
We now take you to a live studio edition of the water company
[SFX: Bloodnok intro music, followed by lots of disgusting noises]
BLOODNOK:
Ahhh! Aha-haha! Aaaaah! Ooooooh! Ooooh, oh, they don't make minced pies like they used to! Ooooooh. Pass me the soap, would you, Gladys?
THROAT:
Right.
BLOODNOK:
Thankyou. There's nothing like a good bath to relax you. And this is nothing like a good bath. Ah, that's better... La-de-dee...
[SFX: Lots of random noises such as planes divebombing, nuclear explosions, a party, and a car starting, finishing with a window breaking]
BLOODNOK:
Answer that phone, would you Gladys?
THROAT:
Right.
[SFX: Takes phone off of hook]
THROAT:
Hello? ... It's for you.
BLOODNOK:
Ah. Hello? Yes, it is.
[SFX: Puts phone back on hook]
BLOODNOK:
That must have been a prank call. Someone said, "It's a long distance from Amsterdam", and then I said "Yes it is." These young people nowadays...
MINNIE:
We'll all be murderered in our beds
BLOODNOK:
Quiet, you, naughty person, you!
[SFX: A big explosion]
BLOODNOK:
Oooooh! See who it is at the door, would you Gladys?
THROAT:
Right.
BLOODNOK:
I must get that doorbell fixed at some point...
SEAGOON:
Are you the head of the water company?
BLOODNOK:
I believe so.
SEAGOON:
You believe so?
BLOODNOK:
Well it would be a pretty sad state of affairs if I was the head of the water company and I didn't believe it! Now, what can I do for you, sonny?
SEAGOON:
I'm on the trail of vanishing bathwater!
BLOODNOK:
Ah, the old vanishing water problem. One I've encountered many times before, you understand. Everytime I pull the plug out of my bath, all the water vanishes! Now, Neddie Lad, what you need to do is to swim down this river here until you find out where all that water is vanishing to.
SEAGOON:
But what about those vanishing tables?
BLOODNOK:
Well you've heard of the water table, haven't you?
SEAGOON:
Ah-ha! So that's how it all links in! I'm getting so excited, I can't think straight. Here, pass me that drumkit.
[SFX: Short drum solo]
SEAGOON:
Ah that's better. Right.
BLOODNOK:
Neddy, lad, you can't go swimming in those clothes! You'll get them all ruined! Here, laddy, leave them with me, I'll be happy to flog th... take care of them, you see.
SEAGOON:
How kind of you! Here.
BLOODNOK:
Oh, and that wallet - you don't want to get a genuine leather wallet wet now, do you? And all that money! If you wanted to get money wet, you'd get it properly washed.
SEAGOON:
Yes, I've had my money laundered several times before.
BLOODNOK:
Well there you go laddie! You don't want to get nice clean money in that dirty water, do you? And that gold tooth - you don't want that to get rusty do you? You can't eat properly with a rusty tooth. Ah, that's good. I'll make sure this gets taken care of right and proper...
SEAGOON:
Thankyou! Farewall!
[SFX: Splash]
BLOODNOK:
Hahahahaha
[SFX: Footsteps running off into the distance, followed by several cash register "cha-chings"]
(Pause)
SEAGOON:
I never saw him again.
GREENSLADE:
Meanwhile, somewhere in the Tropical Rainforests of Slough...
[SFX: Lots of 'glugging' sounds]
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Come on you fool, faster!
MORIARTY:
I'm going as fast as I can!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Well I don't know who this "ICan" fellow is, but he'd better start going faster! This water isn't going to drink itself!
[SFX: Door knocking]
MORIARTY:
Someone just knocked at the door 800 miles away!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Quickly, roll up that tongue and put it away
MORIARTY:
Where shall I put it?
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
In your mouth, you idiot! Take out those spare kneecaps and you can fit them in.
[SFX: Door opening]
SEAGOON:
Ah-ha! I've got you now! You've been drinking all of the water, that's why it's been vanishing!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Now, come on Seagoon, let's be reasonable
MORIARTY:
But what if I still want to be Moriarty?
SEAGOON:
Ying-tong-iddle-I-po
ALL:
Good!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
You see, although we've drunk some of the water, that's not why it's vanishing! No, we suspect -- and keep this to yourself for the time being -- we suspect the work of a serial plumber!
SEAGOON:
No! Some people really do plump the depths humans are prepared to go to! ... I've been waiting all night for that joke!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Thank you Neddy. Now, in order to find this plumber I suggest building a bath with no plughole! That way, there would be no chance of the water vanishing when you pulled the plug.
MORIARTY:
Naughty, naughty vanishing water
SEAGOON:
Yes, excellent idea. Where could I find someone to build me a bath with no plughole?
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Well, Neddy, if you'll just sign here [SFX: Scribbling on paper] ... thankyou, and here ... thankyou, and here... thankyou, and here and here and here... thankyou.
SEAGOON:
Ah, now you'll show me where I can find someone to build me a bath with no plughole, we can be friends forever, and we'll all live happily ever after!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
You silly, twisted boy you.
SEAGOON:
What what what what what what what what?
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Please don't do that.
MORIARTY:
Here, Neddy, hold these kneecaps for me. We're just going to go outside.
SEAGOON: But...
[SFX: Sound of door slamming, then of an explosion]
SEAGOON:
I now know that they were not just kneecaps. They were explodable kneecaps! I need to find a builder. While you're waiting, dear listener, here is Ray Ellington!
RAY ELLINGTON
GREENSLADE:
That was Ray Ellington and the Royal Philharmonic Under-21 Reserve Squash team on the Hungarian nose-flute. You can see them for the price of two and six at the Bognor Regis nose emporium until Thursday. And now, we take you to a bookcase in the west wing of a monk talking school, to the meeting of Elderly Gents.
ELDERLY GENT:
Mumbles incoherently, and then "Part three"
GREENSLADE:
And now, with the aid of the new BBC radiophonic workshop, we are proud to present to you the sound of a bathroom factory in a shopping bag in East Grinstead.
[SFX: Sounds of industry, hammers, saws...]
CRUN:
One, two, three, four, five... one, two, three, four, five... one, two, three, four, five...
MINNIE:
Henry!
CRUN:
What is it, Min?
MINNIE:
What are you doing, Henry?
CRUN:
I'm counting the number of plugholes in each bath that we've made
MINNIE:
Why are you doing that, Henry?
CRUN:
So that we know each bath has got the right number of them, and no naughty plugholes are missing!
MINNIE:
Ooooooh, naughty plugholes
CRUN:
You can't be too careful
[SFX: Door knock]
MINNIE:
Henry
CRUN:
What is it, Min?
MINNIE:
Someone's knocking at the door, Henry
CRUN:
How do you know that?
MINNIE:
I can see him through this periscope
CRUN:
Well, you'd better let him in, Min
MINNIE:
But I don't have the doorkey, Henry
SEAGOON:
Hello? Is anybody in?
CRUN:
Yes, we're here, but we can't let you in because you don't have the key!
SEAGOON:
Don't have the key?
CRUN:
No, we've lost it. You'll have to let yourself in!
[SFX: Door opening and closing]
SEAGOON:
Ah, there we go.
CRUN:
Now what can we do for you?
SEAGOON:
I need a bath with no plughole.
CRUN:
No plughole? Do you realise, young man, that we get paid commission for the more plugholes we put in these baths?
SEAGOON:
Commission? From whom?
MINNIE:
From the plughole commission, buddy
CRUN:
Oh, naughty plugholes
SEAGOON:
There's a commission for plugholes? Where are they?
CRUN:
Down the drainpipe
SEAGOON:
Hmmm, we need somebody to go down the drainpipe and find out about the plughole commission. Who could we send? ... (Pause) Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE:
I heard you call me my little hairy capitane! I heard you call me! Makes heroic pose on right side of stage. Ouch! Takes less heroic pose on right side of stage.
SEAGOON:
Bluebottle, I need you to do a job for me.
BLUEBOTTLE:
I will do my duty, mon capitane! England expects!
SEAGOON:
We need you to crawl down this drainpipe and find out who the plughole commission are.
BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh! It's all dark down there! I am not going down there in the dark, harm can come to a young lad like that!
SEAGOON:
Never fear Bluebottle! Take this candle with you. I'll just light the end... there.
BLUEBOTTLE:
I knew my captain would not endanger me! Farewell!
[SFX: Echo] Oooh, it's all wet down here... oh look, there's a spider... why is this stick fizzing? Capitane...
[SFX: Explosion]
BLUEBOTTLE:
You rotten swine you! You have deaded me again! Boo-hoo! I'm going home!
GREENSLADE:
And after all of this, Neddie Seagoon never found the solution to the vanishing water mystery. Silly, really, isn't it?
SEAGOON:
You can say that again, Wal.
GREENSLADE:
Silly, really, isn't it?
LITTLE JIM:
It's silly Jeee-eeeeem, it's silly Jeeeem.
GREENSLADE:
Yes, it was indeed silly.
MATE:
I don't know mate, everytime I pull the plug out of the bath mate, the water vanishes mate.
CRUN:
You can't get the plugs, you know
GREENSLADE:
Yes, indeed. Goodnight!
END MUSIC
=========
I think I'd better put a quick note of explanation here, as I suspect quite a few people will never have heard of the Goon Show! It was a BBC Radio program that aired on the Home Service in the 50s and 60s. The people involved (mainly) were Spike Milligan, Harry Secombe and Peter Sellers. Spike Milligan was really the brains behind it!
Anyway. It was a very zany, very silly, comedy show which became very popular. The characters all had rather silly voices (well, maybe not silly but not particularly normal either). They also had catchphrases... now, if you've never listened to a Goon Show, I doubt very much you will be able to appreciate a lot of what happens. Reading this might help:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/comedy/progpages/goons.shtml
Also, this is a great resource:
http://www.thegoonshow.co.uk
Anyway, without further ado, I present to you...
The Baffling Case of the Vanishing Table
========================================
GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC Home Service.
SEAGOON:
Lies I tell you! I haven't had a service at home in years!
GREENSLADE:
Please, Mr. Seagoon, let me finish introducing the show!
SEAGOON:
What what what what what what what what what what?
GREENSLADE:
Shut up!
SEAGOON:
Shut up Eccles!
GREENSLADE:
Shut up Eccles!
ECCLES:
Shut up Eccles
GREENSLADE:
Shut up Eccles!
SEAGOON:
Shut up Eccles
(etc)
GREENSLADE:
The BBC would like to apologise for that interruption. Normal service will be resumed as soon as this program has finished. Now, we proudly present to you Spik Millogan, Petra Stellers and Hairy Secondhand in THE GOONS!
[SFX: Fanfare]
GREENSLADE:
Thankyou. We open in the basement of a disused dog patting factory, where a meeting of elderly gents is taking place. Part one.
ELDERLY GENT:
Mumbles incoherently, and then "Part one"
GREENSLADE:
And now, a recording of a small fish-tank wedged in a pillow-case in South Surbiton.
[SFX: Watery sounds]
GREENSLADE:
Not very exciting, is it?
SEAGOON:
Get on with it Wal!
[SFX: Crowd of people shouting]
GREENSLADE:
*ahem* We now take you to the annual general meeting of the vanishing table society.
SEAGOON:
But there's nobody here!
GREENSLADE:
That's because they've vanished.
SEAGOON:
But what - I recognise those baggy trousers and baggy mittens! Surely it can't be...
CRUN:
Good morning
SEAGOON:
Morning
CRUN:
Morning
(etc)
SEAGOON:
Well, that's another 30 seconds wasted! Crun, what are you doing here?
CRUN:
We build tables, don't we Minnie?
MINNIE:
That's right, Henry.
SEAGOON:
So what are you doing at a meeting of the vanishing table society?
CRUN:
We think the tables never existed in the first place! You can't get the wood, you know.
MINNIE:
You can't get the wood, Henry.
CRUN:
You can't get it, Min.
MINNIE:
You can't get it, Henry.
SEAGOON:
Are you saying that the vanishing table society are cheating, by not building those tables in the first place?
CRUN:
No, I was saying that you can't get the wood, you know, wasn't I Min?
MINNIE:
That's right, Henry.
SEAGOON:
Curses, they're more dastardly than I thought! I must go and report them to the vanishing furniture society.
CRUN:
It's no good
SEAGOON:
Why?
CRUN:
They've vanished.
MINNIE:
You can't get the wood, you know
SEAGOON:
Curses! Let's see what's behind this green door.
[SFX: Door opening]
SEAGOON:
AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[SFX: Splash]
LITTLE JIM:
He's fallen in the water!
ECCLES:
Are you OK?
SEAGOON:
Yes, it was just that someone had left half of their bath water behind that door
ECCLES:
Yep, that was me. I've been looking for it since 10:00 tomorrow morning
SEAGOON:
10:00 tomorrow morning? How cunning you are! I wish I had the hindsight to do things like that. What's the bathwater for?
ECCLES:
So I can have a bath!
SEAGOON:
Oh, the devilish cunning of these people! What are you doing here?
ECCLES:
I was taking a bath, and then half of the bathwater vanished.
SEAGOON:
You were taking a bath?
ECCLES:
Yeah, but the owner wasn't too happy about it
BLUEBOTTLE:
Yeah, you rotten swine you! I was half-way through taking my bath, when you came along and spoils it! Enter Bluebottle stage left. Notices audience! A-hee-hee! Good evening! Takes bow, notices large tearing noise in bathrobe from behind, moves slowly to the left facing forward.
SEAGOON:
Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes, my little hair capitane?
SEAGOON:
Where did you get that bath from
BLUEBOTTLE:
From the tap!
SEAGOON:
That means, there's a good chance that it came from the water company
SEAGOON, ECCLES, AND BLUEBOTTLE:
There's a good chance that it came from the water company
SEAGOON:
Right! In that case, take me to a photographed statue of the antique Roman vanishing harmonica, Maximus Geldray!
[SFX: From "Gladiator", crowd shouting 'Maximus, Maximus']
MAX GELDRAY
GREENSLADE:
In the previous exciting instalment of the Shoon Go, we left Seagoon pondering over half a bath and a vanishing table. In part two, we now take you to a highrise block buried ten feet above the ground somewhere in Hertfordshire, to a meeting of Elderly Gents.
ELDERLY GENT:
Mumbles incoherently, and then "Part two"
GREENSLADE:
We now take you to a live studio edition of the water company
[SFX: Bloodnok intro music, followed by lots of disgusting noises]
BLOODNOK:
Ahhh! Aha-haha! Aaaaah! Ooooooh! Ooooh, oh, they don't make minced pies like they used to! Ooooooh. Pass me the soap, would you, Gladys?
THROAT:
Right.
BLOODNOK:
Thankyou. There's nothing like a good bath to relax you. And this is nothing like a good bath. Ah, that's better... La-de-dee...
[SFX: Lots of random noises such as planes divebombing, nuclear explosions, a party, and a car starting, finishing with a window breaking]
BLOODNOK:
Answer that phone, would you Gladys?
THROAT:
Right.
[SFX: Takes phone off of hook]
THROAT:
Hello? ... It's for you.
BLOODNOK:
Ah. Hello? Yes, it is.
[SFX: Puts phone back on hook]
BLOODNOK:
That must have been a prank call. Someone said, "It's a long distance from Amsterdam", and then I said "Yes it is." These young people nowadays...
MINNIE:
We'll all be murderered in our beds
BLOODNOK:
Quiet, you, naughty person, you!
[SFX: A big explosion]
BLOODNOK:
Oooooh! See who it is at the door, would you Gladys?
THROAT:
Right.
BLOODNOK:
I must get that doorbell fixed at some point...
SEAGOON:
Are you the head of the water company?
BLOODNOK:
I believe so.
SEAGOON:
You believe so?
BLOODNOK:
Well it would be a pretty sad state of affairs if I was the head of the water company and I didn't believe it! Now, what can I do for you, sonny?
SEAGOON:
I'm on the trail of vanishing bathwater!
BLOODNOK:
Ah, the old vanishing water problem. One I've encountered many times before, you understand. Everytime I pull the plug out of my bath, all the water vanishes! Now, Neddie Lad, what you need to do is to swim down this river here until you find out where all that water is vanishing to.
SEAGOON:
But what about those vanishing tables?
BLOODNOK:
Well you've heard of the water table, haven't you?
SEAGOON:
Ah-ha! So that's how it all links in! I'm getting so excited, I can't think straight. Here, pass me that drumkit.
[SFX: Short drum solo]
SEAGOON:
Ah that's better. Right.
BLOODNOK:
Neddy, lad, you can't go swimming in those clothes! You'll get them all ruined! Here, laddy, leave them with me, I'll be happy to flog th... take care of them, you see.
SEAGOON:
How kind of you! Here.
BLOODNOK:
Oh, and that wallet - you don't want to get a genuine leather wallet wet now, do you? And all that money! If you wanted to get money wet, you'd get it properly washed.
SEAGOON:
Yes, I've had my money laundered several times before.
BLOODNOK:
Well there you go laddie! You don't want to get nice clean money in that dirty water, do you? And that gold tooth - you don't want that to get rusty do you? You can't eat properly with a rusty tooth. Ah, that's good. I'll make sure this gets taken care of right and proper...
SEAGOON:
Thankyou! Farewall!
[SFX: Splash]
BLOODNOK:
Hahahahaha
[SFX: Footsteps running off into the distance, followed by several cash register "cha-chings"]
(Pause)
SEAGOON:
I never saw him again.
GREENSLADE:
Meanwhile, somewhere in the Tropical Rainforests of Slough...
[SFX: Lots of 'glugging' sounds]
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Come on you fool, faster!
MORIARTY:
I'm going as fast as I can!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Well I don't know who this "ICan" fellow is, but he'd better start going faster! This water isn't going to drink itself!
[SFX: Door knocking]
MORIARTY:
Someone just knocked at the door 800 miles away!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Quickly, roll up that tongue and put it away
MORIARTY:
Where shall I put it?
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
In your mouth, you idiot! Take out those spare kneecaps and you can fit them in.
[SFX: Door opening]
SEAGOON:
Ah-ha! I've got you now! You've been drinking all of the water, that's why it's been vanishing!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Now, come on Seagoon, let's be reasonable
MORIARTY:
But what if I still want to be Moriarty?
SEAGOON:
Ying-tong-iddle-I-po
ALL:
Good!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
You see, although we've drunk some of the water, that's not why it's vanishing! No, we suspect -- and keep this to yourself for the time being -- we suspect the work of a serial plumber!
SEAGOON:
No! Some people really do plump the depths humans are prepared to go to! ... I've been waiting all night for that joke!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Thank you Neddy. Now, in order to find this plumber I suggest building a bath with no plughole! That way, there would be no chance of the water vanishing when you pulled the plug.
MORIARTY:
Naughty, naughty vanishing water
SEAGOON:
Yes, excellent idea. Where could I find someone to build me a bath with no plughole?
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Well, Neddy, if you'll just sign here [SFX: Scribbling on paper] ... thankyou, and here ... thankyou, and here... thankyou, and here and here and here... thankyou.
SEAGOON:
Ah, now you'll show me where I can find someone to build me a bath with no plughole, we can be friends forever, and we'll all live happily ever after!
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
You silly, twisted boy you.
SEAGOON:
What what what what what what what what?
GRYPTYPE-THYNNE:
Please don't do that.
MORIARTY:
Here, Neddy, hold these kneecaps for me. We're just going to go outside.
SEAGOON: But...
[SFX: Sound of door slamming, then of an explosion]
SEAGOON:
I now know that they were not just kneecaps. They were explodable kneecaps! I need to find a builder. While you're waiting, dear listener, here is Ray Ellington!
RAY ELLINGTON
GREENSLADE:
That was Ray Ellington and the Royal Philharmonic Under-21 Reserve Squash team on the Hungarian nose-flute. You can see them for the price of two and six at the Bognor Regis nose emporium until Thursday. And now, we take you to a bookcase in the west wing of a monk talking school, to the meeting of Elderly Gents.
ELDERLY GENT:
Mumbles incoherently, and then "Part three"
GREENSLADE:
And now, with the aid of the new BBC radiophonic workshop, we are proud to present to you the sound of a bathroom factory in a shopping bag in East Grinstead.
[SFX: Sounds of industry, hammers, saws...]
CRUN:
One, two, three, four, five... one, two, three, four, five... one, two, three, four, five...
MINNIE:
Henry!
CRUN:
What is it, Min?
MINNIE:
What are you doing, Henry?
CRUN:
I'm counting the number of plugholes in each bath that we've made
MINNIE:
Why are you doing that, Henry?
CRUN:
So that we know each bath has got the right number of them, and no naughty plugholes are missing!
MINNIE:
Ooooooh, naughty plugholes
CRUN:
You can't be too careful
[SFX: Door knock]
MINNIE:
Henry
CRUN:
What is it, Min?
MINNIE:
Someone's knocking at the door, Henry
CRUN:
How do you know that?
MINNIE:
I can see him through this periscope
CRUN:
Well, you'd better let him in, Min
MINNIE:
But I don't have the doorkey, Henry
SEAGOON:
Hello? Is anybody in?
CRUN:
Yes, we're here, but we can't let you in because you don't have the key!
SEAGOON:
Don't have the key?
CRUN:
No, we've lost it. You'll have to let yourself in!
[SFX: Door opening and closing]
SEAGOON:
Ah, there we go.
CRUN:
Now what can we do for you?
SEAGOON:
I need a bath with no plughole.
CRUN:
No plughole? Do you realise, young man, that we get paid commission for the more plugholes we put in these baths?
SEAGOON:
Commission? From whom?
MINNIE:
From the plughole commission, buddy
CRUN:
Oh, naughty plugholes
SEAGOON:
There's a commission for plugholes? Where are they?
CRUN:
Down the drainpipe
SEAGOON:
Hmmm, we need somebody to go down the drainpipe and find out about the plughole commission. Who could we send? ... (Pause) Bluebottle!
BLUEBOTTLE:
I heard you call me my little hairy capitane! I heard you call me! Makes heroic pose on right side of stage. Ouch! Takes less heroic pose on right side of stage.
SEAGOON:
Bluebottle, I need you to do a job for me.
BLUEBOTTLE:
I will do my duty, mon capitane! England expects!
SEAGOON:
We need you to crawl down this drainpipe and find out who the plughole commission are.
BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh! It's all dark down there! I am not going down there in the dark, harm can come to a young lad like that!
SEAGOON:
Never fear Bluebottle! Take this candle with you. I'll just light the end... there.
BLUEBOTTLE:
I knew my captain would not endanger me! Farewell!
[SFX: Echo] Oooh, it's all wet down here... oh look, there's a spider... why is this stick fizzing? Capitane...
[SFX: Explosion]
BLUEBOTTLE:
You rotten swine you! You have deaded me again! Boo-hoo! I'm going home!
GREENSLADE:
And after all of this, Neddie Seagoon never found the solution to the vanishing water mystery. Silly, really, isn't it?
SEAGOON:
You can say that again, Wal.
GREENSLADE:
Silly, really, isn't it?
LITTLE JIM:
It's silly Jeee-eeeeem, it's silly Jeeeem.
GREENSLADE:
Yes, it was indeed silly.
MATE:
I don't know mate, everytime I pull the plug out of the bath mate, the water vanishes mate.
CRUN:
You can't get the plugs, you know
GREENSLADE:
Yes, indeed. Goodnight!
END MUSIC