Dear Diary 29th July

I told Aidan, sorry I'm crying as I write this, I told Aidan on the 20th I think it was.

It was in my kitchen and the minute I told him, he started crying. I told him I was keeping it no matter what and he hugged me, his arms felt unbelievably good.

He pulled away and looked right into my eyes and I saw that I had just ruined everything.

He coughed slightly and took hold of my hand and said, "Eva, I love and I always will but I can't do this, I can't have a child now, not like this.." as he continued I drifted away for a second and the floor fell from beneath me, I had hit rock bottom and nothing could have made it any worse.

I blinked and I could hear again,

"We can't be together, but I'll give you money every month or so to help you support it. This is so hard, I love you, but I have to have my career."

He stood up to go and leant over to kiss me goodbye, I turned my face so he got my cheek. He nodded and with that he walked out the door and walked out of my life.

I couldn't breathe, tears overwhelmed me for four days, dad just thought it was 'that time of the month'. Joni just thought Aidan and I broke up, she didn't know why.

I felt used and dirty. I had countless showers trying to wash Aidan's kiss and touch from my body, aching with tears as I did.

My mind kept asking itself questions; how was I going to do this alone? What was my dad going to say? How was I going to finish school? Am I slut? Should I have even had sex? Did Aidan really ever love me? Would this pain I was feeling right now ever go away?

How was I going to be a mother with no mother of my own to show me how?

I am sitting in the dining room watching Joni and Venna sunbathe and read magazines. I miss Sarah actually.

I am starting to become numb to all feelings. I'm looking at Joni smiling and whispering something to Venna and I'm glad she doesn't know how awful her big sister is, what a dirty slut she has become.

In a way I want her to know so she can make sue she won't make this same mistake.

Dad's gone grocery shopping. He came up to me before her left and asked, "Do you need any sanitary towels honey?

I painted on a smile backed by an unseen pain and said, "No I'm all set and dad, call them pads for god sake!" he smiled, kissed me and was gone not knowing I felt as though he'd just hit me with a ton of bricks, I'd let him down so much, I'm supposed to be there to help him because mam's not, to set and example for Joni and to keep him from going insane with depression.

I'd ruined everything and it was all my fault. As I'm sitting here and I know deep in my core that the only thing that would make me feel good right now, would be to have Aidan's arms around me and to know he loves me and to know I'm not completely and utterly alone and the my whole world hasn't been ripped apart.

I keep daydreaming back to that day we all played IRA and the look in Aidan's eyes right before our lips touched, a look that was sweet, innocent and naughty at the same time and then I saw the look in his eyes when I told him, the look that said you've ruined my life.

I'm starting to cry again and I have to try stop or Joni will seriously think I've lost it.

I was going to go in to see mam this morning as I haven't been into her in a week but I couldn't face telling it all to an air of silence. I want to talk to my mother, I want her to hug me and tell me it'll all be okay and that I'm still her little girl.

I want to be back in our back garden sitting in a patio chair and watching Joni catch butterflies and the both of us running around in our matching yellow swimsuits.

Back then I was her little girl.

I have been woken from my memories by the phone. Hold on.

That was the hospital.

They had to turn the machine off.

She's gone.

And if everything were to slide back into place I'd be gone too.