Screename Adventures: Chapter Twenty-Two
Once When I Was Seventeen I Saw a Hawk Eat a Duck
Yesterday Mayln had been a normal amazing Superhero's sidekick. Yesterday she had woke in the early morning, cleaned up their Moon-Puppy's little brown presents, waxed the floors, dusted the curtains, cooked breakfast, gently shook Phoenix awake, applied an icepack to her resulting black eye, spoon fed a blurry-eyed low-blood-pressure demon queen her breakfast, picked up the mail, tripped over a crack in the sidewalk, took down two old ladies at the same time, and returned home before 10:00.
But today was different.
Today, their house was on fire.
"Mayln!" Phoenix screamed in a most unearthly voice. She was trapped underneath her bed, where she had been cleverly hiding from the fire until a roof beam fell on it. She found herself once again in dire peril, her life flashed before her eyes, she was once more angry about losing that school spelling bee on the word 'Hyphen'.
"I'm coming Phoenix! I'm coming!" Mayln called, having dressed herself in a spare fireman cosplay costume, which oddly enough had been made of 79 percent real fireman. She turned the power level up over 9000 and moved to pick the flaming bit off their house off her master – but something shining in the corner caught her eye. It was a bright light coming out from under the closet, mist rolling across the floor and mingling with the smoke until she could smell the faintest aroma of buttercream icing.
Then, as if someone had flipped a switch and turned about the entire situation, the closet door burst from its hinges – sailing across the room and effectively knocking her against the far wall. A tall man playing a violin emerged, beads of sweat forming on his head as he worked at his song. It was beautiful, magical, entrancing, majestic, and very captainly.
"Fair maidens!" He cried above the sound of his fiddle. "Fear not! For this fire has been caused by an evil Rabbit of Mass Destruction!"
Oh, thought Mayln with a rather confused face. Well that changes everything.
"I have sworn to defeat this rabbit unto my dying breath, and so I shall!" From the notes of his instrument there rang a challenge to the woodland creatures. Bring Forth The ROMD! It seemed to sing, and just like that their house was heaved up out of the ground. With great groaning and much floors and walls crackings, they were thrust into the sky and thrown aside. Mayln found herself falling through the sky, end over end, watching the strange image of a flying flaming house all the while.
That was when her eyes saw something different. Just where her small shadow seemed to be aiming was their recently installed patch of three foot tall razor sharp spikes! To catch the roaches, of course, Phoenix had explained.
"I'm going get skewered!" She squealed to no one in particular, as it's hard to hear what anyone is saying as they plummet from a flaming house. The scent of Buttercream caught her attention again, and she thought I would have liked to at least eat cake again before I died.
But then she was snatched out of the air, plucked like a spinning leaf caught in the fist of a child, and found herself being shot over the spikes and into their also recently installed pool of ramen noodles. She was saved! Kicking her feet through the gelatinous mess and struggling to keep afloat, she found the tall fiddle player standing at the edge and smiling quite wonderfully down at her. She was entranced by that smile, and found herself having to swallow against a sudden mass of butterflies in her stomach. She choked instead, as butterflies are rather difficult insects to keep down once one has ingested them.
"Are you alright now?" The wonderful man asked in the gentlest of voices. Mayln frowned a moment and wondered how he fit so many voices in his mouth, but decided to ignore that in congruency and instead titter on like a brainless boob.
Phoenix rolled her eyes, entirely not impressed as she watched from her place expertly twisted between the spikes. It was not very likely that she would ever get her spine back the way it was supposed to be again.
In the midst of all this action everyone seemed to have forgotten to wonder exactly what had heaved their house out of the ground and flung it across the sky. But Talen and Emerald, as they made their way up the lane that normally led to a doorway noticed that now it was, in fact, a giant rabbit.
"Stay back!" The fiddle player, dressed in a purple track suit and his hair neatly coiffed, leapt between them and the ROMD, arms out and chest puffed out heroically. "This is dangerous. Let me handle it."
"It's a giant rabbit, if you hadn't noticed." Talen rolled his eyes and fed his monkey a loaf of bread casually. "Not something to get excited about around here."
"Back, foul beast!" The man jumped, and suddenly he was flying through the air, both fists punched forward, and he struck the rabbit mightily. It shrieked, a bone chilling noise that gave all three girls the hiccoughs.
The battle was intense, the most gruesome and action packed yet, but as there was a solar eclipse just then nobody saw it.
"Damn those random eclipses!" Phoenix cursed over their dinner that night. Rabbit stew, rabbit ka-bobs, rabbit steaks, and rabbit juice.
"It's because you removed the moon puppy. He's no longer there to control the movements of the moon – That's why this is the only piece of dry land left in the world. That, and all of the lands of doodle, as Queen Doodlie (Suddenly a host of elephants and belly dancers over took the party) has no tolerance for the impetuous seas creeping in on her boarders." Talen stroked his chin, nodding sagely. He knew about these things, since he had a cousin who worked for the Oreo Cookie Company.
No one was paying attention to him, however, as they were all fawning over the tall man, now without his fiddle, sitting beside Mayln. His name was Captain Majestic, and he had come from all the way from Canada to save them from the rabbit. Blinking back the stars in her eyes, Mayln watched him majestically eating a rabbit burger, having no room in her love sick stomach for her own food. That's stage one of anorexia, but she didn't seem to care.
Phoenix watched as well, with a grotesque look of disgust on her face which caused the rest of the guests to quiver. Leaning towards Dr. Madhouse, she elbowed him and hissed. "What's wrong with her? She looks as if her brain has been replaced with a potato."
"She's been absolutely Twitterpated." Dr. Madhouse sighed. "I'm afraid we're going to have to remove her kidneys. I let her know about it just a moment ago."
Yes it was sad. Very tragic indeed. And so they all went to bed, except for Captain Majestic and Mayln of course. They stood on a bridge looking over a stream of diamond sparkling waters, this was where Graverobber had decided to bury his diamonds, but it wasn't a very good hiding place at all.
"Tomorrow." She spoke quietly, leaning against him. "I shall have my kidneys removed. It is as the doctor wishes."
"I know, my love," Captain Majestic stroked her face lovingly, wiping of gobs of lingering rabbit flesh. "But I will be by your side in the operating room. For now, let us fly to Las Vegas and be married by an Elvis."
"Yes." She clasped his hands, breathless, "Let's."
And so they did, and arrived back by early morning to be in the operating room, wearing matching rings of copper. They were actually washers stolen from the pipes in the chapel's washroom, but that doesn't matter in the face of true love! Or in any other vestige of true love for that matter!
Dr. Madhouse waited as his nurse helped him into his gloves just outside the operating room. Captain Majestic was inside the operating room helping the anaesthesiologist.
"No, you must hit her just so to knock her out." And he took the mallet from the idiot anaesthesiologist and thwacked his beloved between the eyes. She was right out, very lovingly.
The doctor and he nurses filed into the room, one of them being Tair, a resident of that crazy town. Captain Majestic narrowed his eyes upon him, recognizing him from that terrible seal hunt he had tried to stop in his early years, and asked in a hushed voice. "What is your name, vagrant?!"
"Wait. Your name can't be Tair. I'm Tair!" Exclaimed one of the other nurses, miffed.
But it was too late. Tair became enraged at the constant use of his name and burst into a heated ball of evil energy! Captain Majestic, who had been moving to grasp him, was instantly incinerated by the demon Tairisinuse, and Mayln sat up gasping from her place on the operating table.
"No! My beloved!!"
The doctor rolled his eyes, frustrated. "Oh! Now we have to remove a different thing altogether!"
Just then, Sully came racing through the hospital, screaming, as P-Dawg the Moon Puppy snarled and hung on to the back of his pants. "Help! Help! I've got no arms and the puppy is biting my butt!"
"Sully!" Mayln slapped him, rather irritable since her husband had just been incinerated. "Would you shut up? It's not funny anymore!"
Tairisinuse continued to rip apart the hospital, until he accidentally ate a bottle of laughing gas. Then the demon began to giggle uncontrollably, and everyone joined him, even poor Mayln, as she thought Well, at least these last two days have been quite different.
…That was terrible …