Ascent

It's strange losing god. You always hear people talking about how amazing it was finding the entity, but I've done both and I must say losing him has been the more interesting of the two experiences.

I found god at a friend's church youth group. Though I must admit, it was a peer pressure sort of thing. But I honestly believed that I had been touched by the lord. That I too would be admitted to heaven. I loved my friends so much that I wanted to be just like them. So I was "born again" into a whole new person, a better person, a holy person. One that was worthy of god's time. All the while ignoring that fact my belief in evolution paired with my new found glory was a minute conflict of interests. But all the same, I became like every other good Christian teenager in the US I prayed when I remembered to and harbored dreams of becoming a rock star, but a Christian rock star, which was infinitely cooler than a non-secular one for some reason.

For a while things went swimingly. I accompanied my friends to church quite often, never actually finding my own, and even became a sort of "honorary member" to their congregations, but as time grew stale, so did my love for Jesus, and, as all things do, he became boring to me. Soon I got so bored I even grew my own personality. I think that's when my Christianity really began to slip away.

I came home from church one night and decided I just couldn't do it anymore. By continuing this charade of being a Christian, I was defying the very religion I was trying to follow. My religion was against my religion. So I figured, what the hell, let's just get rid of the whole damn thing. I mean, evolution always made more sense to me anyway, and I never did get that unicorn I asked for when I was nine. God wasn't doing anything for me, so why should I do anything for him? I revoked god entirely, and it felt great at first. I felt freed from all the guilt the preacher had been dumping on me, all the anxiety of living a lie, but soon I realized that it's a damned lonely world out there, and I wanted my security blanket back. God was a nice beg teddy bear to hide behind, and I was an angry two year old who had just lost a game of peek-a-boo.

I kept it quiet for a while, tried to talk myself back into Christianity. Praying from time to time "just in case." Eventually I became more comfortable with my atheism, but I still tried to keep it discreet. I slapped a Darwin symbol on the back of my car, fashioned a walking fish design out of safety pins on my book bag, and sewed an "evolve" patch onto my favorite pair of jeans. Yeah, I'd say it was pretty subtle. But despite my efforts the world saw me for who I really was, and the world was pissed. Some of my friends stopped talking to me for a while, but they came around. They all stopped inviting me to church for some reason... I almost felt bad for springing it on them like I did, but I was the eon who really made the sacrifice. I gave up god for lent. That's a hell of a lot to give up in their eyes.

Presently, I have completed my ascent into atheism. It's not true atheism though, for I do not deny the possibility of the existence of a god, it is quite possible, I simply choose not to worship one. There is one thing I know for sure though, I'm still waiting for my fucking unicorn.