It's always fun to read someone else's journal, right? To experience
what other people think, feel, with an honesty that would never be
presented to a real human, but this time you don't have to sneak around to
do it. This is MY journal.
I don't know what made me decide to do this. The first entry is dated about a year ago, but it will become current soon enough and when it does I would love it for you to review with advice about whatever situation I may be in, what you think, and what you think about ME in particular. Just to warn you, I write about what comes into my head and my thoughts may be scattered at times. The first entry is slightly unappealing, but read past it and I believe it gets interesting.
4-27-03
From now on I'm going to be good at everything I do. I will be perfect. I'm going to exercise everyday. My piano playing will be superb, my writing ability will be far above average, and my personality will completely change. Beautiful. Things will be beautiful. I will be perfect, beautiful, and loved. I will have no true friends and will abandon my emotions. Perhaps I can even find my dreams. I want to see Ghost. I saw a preview for it and it looked interesting. My hair will be long and I will excel in martial arts, horseback riding, and archery. I will be perfect. I will be polite, nice, never loud, I will sing well, be flexible, and write a book. I will learn to speak Chinese and Japanese fluently. I spent the night at Becky's last night. She thinks that Kami and I like each other. I just like to tease him and have fun, but she misinterprets it.
I could never think of him way. He's too........ I don't even know the word. Girly? I begin my work on becoming perfect tomorrow morning. The first thing I will do is reduce my meals. Every night I will begin to exercise. I will work mainly on my stomach, and secondarily on my legs. I will only show my true personality and thoughts to the two Mr. S's. I know that I can trust them. I'm also going to begin reading a lot more and watching TV less. I will study people and learn to anticipate their moves and thoughts. I will become like one of the Eleven that I like to write about so much. No more self loathing. From now on I hold a secret that only I will ever know. Once I move out I will change entirely. No person will ever control me again. I'm going to save up my money so that I can take several BYU courses so that I will not have to take anything my senior year, that way I can take primarily languages, piano, and drawing. I will rise above the rest in everything I do. This is the beginning of the change. Perhaps later I may be saved, but not now.
4-28-03
I heard a wonderful song today. It's called "I Touch Myself." The lyrics are exquisite. I also saw a new anime called GTO, it's kind of twisted, but good...... I found a Chinese singer that I like, she's called Vicky Zhao . I had quite a bit of fun talking to Sho today; we talked for 30-45 minutes. Chinco means penis in Japanese. My friends think that I should go out with him, that we would make a "cute" couple. I wouldn't mind, he's a nice, intelligent guy, but I'm not sure if he thinks of me in any such manner. I've decided that I want a job. I'm going to become wealthy, and then I'm going to have a new part time job every month. That would be incredibly fun.
In order to truly know how a person feels, you have to see their face when they think nobody's looking. Only then will it be unguarded and you can see what they're thinking. I've realized lately, that I'm starting to get lost in reading. I begin to feel lost if I'm not absorbed in some other world in a book. Psychologically, that is telling me something, but I've decided to ignore it.
4-29-03
I wish I could simply not have emotions, or at least be able to turn them off. I wonder why things are so hard. I've been getting THAT feeling towards Kami. That feeling of disgust consumes me. He doesn't deserve it. I know what triggered it too. It was last Saturday, the 26th. Me, him, and my sister were wrestling around on a huge trampoline. It was all playful and we had his shoes, socks, and sweatshirt off. We were all joking around and my sister was messing with his shirt. I saw his stomach. That wasn't what did it all together, the wrestling and playfulness attributed, but the stomach was it. That's when the dam broke and then came the water. Why am I like this? It sucks. It seems that the only way to stop this is to force myself to get close to someone, but by the time I get to that point I'm to disgusted to try.
4-30-03
I think that my mouse has a tumor, or maybe a disease. She has a huge bump thing on her neck. Oh well, I hope that it's not some horribly contagious level 4 virus. That would be bad.... That thing with Kami, he's starting to notice that something's weird. What's even weirder, one of my friends said that she would have sex with me any day, and she wasn't joking. Am I ugly? I really wonder, but I can't seem to gather the courage to ask anybody. Even when I do ask they say no, but I wonder if they're really telling the truth. Today I was alternating between depressed and ecstatic. I seem to be having an identity crisis.
I don't know what made me decide to do this. The first entry is dated about a year ago, but it will become current soon enough and when it does I would love it for you to review with advice about whatever situation I may be in, what you think, and what you think about ME in particular. Just to warn you, I write about what comes into my head and my thoughts may be scattered at times. The first entry is slightly unappealing, but read past it and I believe it gets interesting.
4-27-03
From now on I'm going to be good at everything I do. I will be perfect. I'm going to exercise everyday. My piano playing will be superb, my writing ability will be far above average, and my personality will completely change. Beautiful. Things will be beautiful. I will be perfect, beautiful, and loved. I will have no true friends and will abandon my emotions. Perhaps I can even find my dreams. I want to see Ghost. I saw a preview for it and it looked interesting. My hair will be long and I will excel in martial arts, horseback riding, and archery. I will be perfect. I will be polite, nice, never loud, I will sing well, be flexible, and write a book. I will learn to speak Chinese and Japanese fluently. I spent the night at Becky's last night. She thinks that Kami and I like each other. I just like to tease him and have fun, but she misinterprets it.
I could never think of him way. He's too........ I don't even know the word. Girly? I begin my work on becoming perfect tomorrow morning. The first thing I will do is reduce my meals. Every night I will begin to exercise. I will work mainly on my stomach, and secondarily on my legs. I will only show my true personality and thoughts to the two Mr. S's. I know that I can trust them. I'm also going to begin reading a lot more and watching TV less. I will study people and learn to anticipate their moves and thoughts. I will become like one of the Eleven that I like to write about so much. No more self loathing. From now on I hold a secret that only I will ever know. Once I move out I will change entirely. No person will ever control me again. I'm going to save up my money so that I can take several BYU courses so that I will not have to take anything my senior year, that way I can take primarily languages, piano, and drawing. I will rise above the rest in everything I do. This is the beginning of the change. Perhaps later I may be saved, but not now.
4-28-03
I heard a wonderful song today. It's called "I Touch Myself." The lyrics are exquisite. I also saw a new anime called GTO, it's kind of twisted, but good...... I found a Chinese singer that I like, she's called Vicky Zhao . I had quite a bit of fun talking to Sho today; we talked for 30-45 minutes. Chinco means penis in Japanese. My friends think that I should go out with him, that we would make a "cute" couple. I wouldn't mind, he's a nice, intelligent guy, but I'm not sure if he thinks of me in any such manner. I've decided that I want a job. I'm going to become wealthy, and then I'm going to have a new part time job every month. That would be incredibly fun.
In order to truly know how a person feels, you have to see their face when they think nobody's looking. Only then will it be unguarded and you can see what they're thinking. I've realized lately, that I'm starting to get lost in reading. I begin to feel lost if I'm not absorbed in some other world in a book. Psychologically, that is telling me something, but I've decided to ignore it.
4-29-03
I wish I could simply not have emotions, or at least be able to turn them off. I wonder why things are so hard. I've been getting THAT feeling towards Kami. That feeling of disgust consumes me. He doesn't deserve it. I know what triggered it too. It was last Saturday, the 26th. Me, him, and my sister were wrestling around on a huge trampoline. It was all playful and we had his shoes, socks, and sweatshirt off. We were all joking around and my sister was messing with his shirt. I saw his stomach. That wasn't what did it all together, the wrestling and playfulness attributed, but the stomach was it. That's when the dam broke and then came the water. Why am I like this? It sucks. It seems that the only way to stop this is to force myself to get close to someone, but by the time I get to that point I'm to disgusted to try.
4-30-03
I think that my mouse has a tumor, or maybe a disease. She has a huge bump thing on her neck. Oh well, I hope that it's not some horribly contagious level 4 virus. That would be bad.... That thing with Kami, he's starting to notice that something's weird. What's even weirder, one of my friends said that she would have sex with me any day, and she wasn't joking. Am I ugly? I really wonder, but I can't seem to gather the courage to ask anybody. Even when I do ask they say no, but I wonder if they're really telling the truth. Today I was alternating between depressed and ecstatic. I seem to be having an identity crisis.