CHAPTER THREE

I smile at the memory as I step into the now worm shower, it was more hot then worm, I can feel it sting my temped flesh, I stood there for a few seconds trying to get used to the new temperature.

I reach over for the soap; once the water on my hands hits the soap the chemical reaction of the soap slightly slipping from my fingers takes place. I need to take a beep breath, this is gonna hurt.

The slight pressure of putting the soap to my skin makes me wince in pain. I almost have to bite my lip to stop from screaming out in pain as I slide to soap over my newfound bruises.

I giggle dryly, you'd think I'd be used to this by now, all the pain.

I squeeze the soap so hard it shoots from my hand, my eyes feel like there drowning, even with the addition of the water on my face one could still tell I was crying. I shouldn't have to be used to this. I shouldn't have to.

I wipe at my new set of tears fiercely on my face only to succeed in getting soap in my eyes.

"ARG" it hurts like hell, everything does. It's like that saying 'everything hurts but my eye lids' well I got one up on that fucker.

"Hey Jason, you ok." I jump; I didn't even hear him come in, too busy making myself blind.

"Fi.fine." Wow, that sounded so sad. I sound like a kid who just got caught masturbating and trying to pretend nothing was going on.

I know he didn't believe me. He knew me to well.

"Hey, how's your stomach?" I look down to were Shawns eyes are focused on and just have to wince at the display.

My entire stomach is black and blue. You could almost make out the boot marks. Even with the pain I hadn't thought it to be this bad. How the hell was I going to explain this on Monday? 'Yah I fell down the stairs,' ' then they what, beat the shit out of you.'

"I suppose a little worst than I thought" I have to resist the urge to touch them. "There not as bad as they look." Who the hell am I kidding; they ARE as bad as they look.

"Really?" says shown, "bruises don't lie, well not as well as you do." There's no tricking this guy.

I'm suddenly reminded of one thing a friend told me, that I will never never forget. "Tears don't lie, but smiles, smiles can lie sontits."

"My smile sings." I know it may sound odd, but not to Shawn knows what I'm talking about, he always does. I suddenly hear the glass shower door open and a completely naked shown walks in.

The look on my face must have looked hilarious cause suddenly Shawn starts laughing. And after a little while I join in as well at 'the laughing of Jason'. It was like the unwieldy weight on my shoulders had been lifted.

"Move."

"Huh?" I'm sorry; Jason is not in at the moment please leave a massage and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

He looks at me as if I had just grown a second head. "Your in the way."

".ohh." Ohh, the shower. That thing we're in right now, together, naked.please excuse me as I drool all over myself.

I move to a side to allow Shawn to pass me are bodies touch for but a second, but long enough to feel a shock run over my spine.

Shawn shakes his head under the worm water, and over the hum of the shower I van hear the vibrating purrs emerging from his chest.

While he's occupying the hot water I take my chance to run my eyes over his body. I always feel funny when he's naked like I'm some creepy old man sitting under a flight of stairs up girl skirts. Not that I've never done it.ok I should stop now.

I suddenly have an idea. "You want me to wash your hair?" I already know the answer.

"Really?" it should be agents the law to be this cute, and how does he get his eyes to get so big?

"Turn around." I am so wiped, and happy to be so. He gives one of those "hey mom-look at me," grins so big I think I may melt.

"Yay," yep there I go, I'm a puddle of goo.

I lean over to grad the shampoo and squeeze a fair amount into my hand, then I apply it Shawn gorges blond hair. I start to massage the shampoo into his blond hair.

"Purr." Shawn's already purring like the kitten he is.

Shawn loves it when I wash his hair, who am I kidding he loves it. Sometimes he calls me into the bathroom just so I can do it.

He is purring and moaning so much at this point I think he may just have a spontaneous orgasm. Which would be funny, and strangely erotic.

"Have I told you I love you lately Jase?" I giggle, manly like, fine I sound like a gitty schoolgirl.

"I think you've failed to mention it this morning." Ok there's something else you should know about Shawn, he loves to kiss people, male female, he doesn't care, it's just his way of showing affection.

"Well I do." He turns and looks at me in the eyes then he kisses me, full on the lips, now its not one of those ravishing tong kisses, just a peck that's soft and worm.

I open my eyes to see shown staring at me, my hands still in his hair. I think I whimpered when his lips leave mine. I love it when he kisses me, I know it sounds gay.but what hasn't at this point?

It makes me feel like something special in some way.

"Jason." I never knew the sound of my own name could cause my toes to curl. His voice is filled with such love.

I slide my hands down from his hair the shampoo still on my fingers lubricating my movements. I trace from his neck to his god like chest slowly. My fingers brush over one of his nipples and he stifles a quiet moan.

All of a sudden are lips are together again. I don't know who moved first and frankly I don't give a shit at the moment all I can feel is his lips soft on mine, are hands roaming each others bodies.

My hands are at his back and I pull him closer to me, crushing are bodies together, and both of us can't help but gasp at the abrupt contact, I can feel his hard-on pressed agents mine.I freeze.

Fear. "Hold still boy."

Pain. "Oooh, so tight."

Dirty. "My little slut."

"No stop.I can't.not again.please Daddy.s.stop" I can't do it. No.

"Jason open your eyes." No, I can't. Go away. Please, oh God please make it stop, it hurts, it hurts so badly.

"Sh.Shawn help me.I can't.can't get his.his hands.o.off." I'm scared, his hands, his big hard callused hands all over me. I can't do this. They wont get off me, they wont stop hurting me, there ripping me apart.

"Jason come on look at me." No, go away, it hurts, it's inside of me, tearing me in half it won't get out of me. It never stops.

In and out (cries)

In and out (blood)

In and out (pleads)

In and out (begging)

In and out (tears)

In and out (pain)

In and out (it never stops)

"LET ME GO!!" Get him off, gotta get him off. "LET GO OF ME!!"

"Jason no look at me!! Please!!" He wont let me go, he never lets me go.

"P.Please d.don't it hurts" not again, please god not again. "Please daddy.please no please no."

"I would never hurt you Jason." Jason, daddy never calls me Jason, I'm always Boy, or Slut. This isn't daddy.

"But.but you always do." Always hurts me, never kind, always hurts. But, this one doesn't hurt me.

"Jason." Because it's not him, it's Shawn, it's Shawn, it's not.not my dad.

"It's ok, you're safe. I've got you." He's worm. The pain is going away, no it's not going away, it's going numb, cause it never goes away.

"I wont let anything hurt you." You cant stop it, so don't pretend you can.

I open my eyes and can see Shawn, he's holing me, if he hadn't been I would probably have been on the ground.

I look down. I can't stand that he knows that my dad r.rapes me no one is supposed to know. He found out when I had a night mare at one of our sleepovers, I must have been screaming, he likes it when I scream.

I can feel tears running down my face, I cant get his hands off me, they never stop touching, feeling, poking, prodding, hurting, ripping.

"I've got you." He's still holing me, tenderly. I always used to wonder if this is what it felt like to held in a mothers arms. If not, this was all right with me. I holed him back the steam from the shower all around us makes this whole thing feel like a dream.

I rub at me eyes. I'm still crying, I don't usually cry this much but Shawn just seams to always break down my walls letting out the sad and broken child I really am.

"Dirty." That's what I am, no matter how many showers I take, or how much I wash my skin till it peals it wont come off. I'm always dirty, dirt you can't ever get off you.

"Huh, you don't look dirty to me." I look up at him; does he think this is some kind of joke? Did he think that was funny?

"Shawn what are you.?"

"You smell nice." What the hell is he talking about?

"This isn't funny." I pull away from his warm embrace and step out of the shower, why the hell was he acting like this, after we just.

"Your fathers the one who's dirty. You. You're not at all." I wrap a towel around myself and turn to him, he's just standing there I a towel he must have gotten, the soothing humming of the shower water gone.

"Why are you doing this?" I don't know what Shawn is getting at and if he keeps this up I'm going ho.me. No were, I don't have a home anymore.

"And" I wish he would just stop. It hurts. "If you are dirty I'm the one who likes to role around in the mud with you."

"I.I don't understand." What's he getting at, I don't think he's trying to be mean. "Please stop Shawn."

"Tell me Jason, who are you?" Who am I? Who am I?

"I'm.I'm nothing." I'm crying again I can't seem to stop, I know what Shawn is doing, he's digging into me, into my soul. I don't want him to; I never even wanted him to know.

"Well you gotta be something to hate yourself so much." I can't do this

"So what are you?" DAMN HIM.

"I'm fucked up, YOU HAPPY NOW!!" I should stop but I can't, he broke me and if he wanted to open me up, then bring on the flood. "I'M A SLUT, MY FATHERS LITTLE SLUT. I'M WRONG, I'M SICK, I'VE BEEN CONDEMED BY MY MOTHER, BY ALL OF THEM!!" I can't stop yelling, my throat feels as though it may bleed but I can't stop.

"THE WHOLE WORLD IS SCREAMING IT 'JASON MILES IS FUCKED, HE'S ON THE FAST TRACK TO HELL!!'" I'm crying so hard I cant breath. "HAPPY!?"

"Maybe your right." WHAT!!! He fucking brakes me and I confess to him and this is what he says to me.

"FUCK YOU!!" Everything hurts, I can't stay, but I can't seem to move either. Why is he hurting me? Haven't I been broken long enough?

"And you, you're definitely wrong, but as much as they condemn you, they've never been in your shoes. They just sit there judging you. No one understands how you've been hurt, cried tears of blood, suffered. So why do you care what they think." He.he knows, he understands what no one else could. "And even if that's all true, and you are nothing who cares, I don't."

I throw myself back into his arms. I have always wanted someone to say that to me. If one person, if just one person doesn't hate me if its all right for me to live. Then I can live.