Title: Enigma.

Rating: NC-17

Summary: But even though the signals were mixed, like an enigma, I knew I'd be waiting for you Stuart, because I would always wait for you… (Slash)

Disclaimer: I own the Characters and of course the story line in all events please remember that this is F I C T I O N and that none of it is real. All bands mentioned, TV programmes and possibly Countries or Cities are real and I do not own them, any quotes used are owned by their author but have been labelled accordingly.

Please note: No characters were hurt in the making of this story, how ever by all legal rights the author will not take responsibility for the actions of some members. The actors in this story are professionals and have been trained to perform these stunts. Please do not attempt to re-enact anything you have seen today.

Enjoy the Show.

A/N: Just a small note, I'm British... English... considering I live in England, the Characters are also British, Welsh seeming as Pontypridd is in Wales, so any "Grammar" or "Spelling" errors maybe down due to the fact we use words a little differently, we have slang too ya know!?

Inspired by "State of the art." by DJ Lethal and Chester Bennington.


I guess I could see it coming.

We've been friends since primary school; you were the kid with dark brown hair that fell into your eyes and the button nose. You were the typical little boy with your grubby dungarees and scuffed up little trainers with the laces all torn up and loose. I was different, I had the messy curly hair that never behaved, the sharp features, yet still we seemed to fit perfectly, we seemed to be the best of friends straight away.

Our years together, they were an enigma, some days you'd let me get close and other days you would disappear on your own. I can still remember the days when you would happily sit with the others, and me and though you didn't speak much you always laughed and joked around. I can also remember the days when we all sat at our usual table in the school hall with out you… it never felt right with out you. You weren't much of a talker I'll admit, you were so dark and broody, probably why the girls loved you so much…. And the guys.

Yeah so you were bisexual, not that you ever told me, I just figured it out, well it wasn't hard to guess since I did see you in that club one time kissing another guy. God how jealous was I that night?

We joined a band.

I thought that maybe you'd get better you know? I thought that now you're doing something you loved you might open up a bit more, maybe you'd stop pushing us away and join in. I was wrong though; you didn't change a single bit even though I begged you to make an effort. You always promised you would, that it was just a little hard for you.

It was about then things started changing between us.

It was pissing it down outside, as in I could barely see beyond the garage door into the street that Lee and James lived on when they were kids. The others had gone upstairs to get drinks and find something warmer to wear since the temperature had dropped since the rain started coming down. I stood by the garage door looking out onto the soaked street, barely even flinching as the rain crashed down and the occasionally flicker of lightening lit up the sky above us. You were sat in the old arm chair playing idly on your guitar seeming as you had forgotten to bring your bass and you always kept your guitar at Lee's anyway. I could tell you weren't really into it today, something was bugging you like always and even though I knew I really ought to have kept my mouth shut like all the other times, today I couldn't help it.

"You know… every time we do band practise you sit in that chair and don't say a word to anyone until we're alone…" I began wondering if you could hear me over the rain.

You didn't answer, just kept playing quietly on your guitar.

"Do you not like the guys or something?" I asked turning a little to look at you.

Again you didn't answer but I knew you listening, your eyes gave it away, they were darker, more intense like they always were when you were listening.

"For Christ's sake answer me Stuart!" I yelled my eyes narrowing in frustration. "What the fuck is wrong huh?"

You stopped playing, the blue guitar balancing on your knee as you slowly lifted your head to look at me, your eyes almost black in the faded light. For a moment we just stared at each with nothing but the thunder and rain to break the tense silence between us. Then after what must have been a minute of us just staring, you looked away slowly, back to your guitar, your lips parting as you took a slow breath in.

"Nothing is wrong Dan, I'm just tired." You eventually answered in that quiet, calm tone that seemed to only to serve as fuel for my frustration.

"Bull shit!" I snapped turning fully now to face you. "You're always like this! What the fuck is wrong Stuart huh? What the hell is going on?"

You didn't answer again and now I could tell you had stopped listening. You were very good at that, tuning people out when you wanted and at first I could never tell when you were doing it, then I learnt the signs, how your eyes would lighten when you stopped paying attention, the distant glaze soon fell and your eyes looked…empty.

I sighed and walked over to you slowly, taking the guitar for your grasp gently and set it on the couch next to the armchair you sat in, not one small sound of protest leaving you even as I straddled your lap, tilting you head up so you were looking at me.

Your eyes were dark again; deep and cold, never warm like I thought they should be. You were now listening, you were now paying attention to me, now that I was close and you had no way of getting away.

"Stu…" I sighed as you turned your head away. "Stu, you're my friend, please… what's going on with you? Why do you keep pushing everyone away huh?"

"It's nothing." You murmured, your facial expression never once changing, the lightening flickering in your glassy eyes.

"I don't believe you." I murmured in your ear, unable to stop myself from pressing my body to yours, now that you were trapped and you couldn't get away. "Stu, look at me…please."

You turned your head a little, looking me along the length of your eyes; your dark lashes almost cuddling your pale cheeks. Now… now I could see your lips, a soft dusty pink colour, smooth and soft looking. I could feel your breath on my skin, tickling my cheeks as we both stayed perfectly still, our mouths so close together that I knew if I leant forward a little, we be kissing.

So I moved forward.

The strange thing was, you didn't even stop me.

My lips pressed against yours softly your scent warming me, your taste making my mouth tingle slightly. You didn't even stop me as my lips massaged yours lightly, as my fingers ran into your hair and tugged gently, pulling your face closer, your lips parting when I asked for it, our tongues meeting within a second in a soft yet heated kiss, the desperation suddenly apparently as your taste exploded in my mouth, your tongue brushing up against mine.

I felt your hand run up my neck I could feel your neediness, something in you begging me not to pull back, not to stop but I couldn't tell what it was, so when I did actually pull back for air, a small sigh left you, a sigh that was sad and empty.

I thought for a moment, for an honest moment when I looked into your almost black eyes that I may have gotten through to you finally, that maybe I was finally getting somewhere with you, even though it was just a kiss… a really, really good kiss. Then, then you turned your head away, your expression going back to that emptiness it always was.

"I have to go." You murmured sitting up properly, forcing me to climb off your lap. "I'll see you in class tomorrow."

I wanted to say something, I wanted to stop you, I even wanted to kiss you again, anything to make you stay. Only I didn't do anything like that. I just stood and watched as you pulled your hood over your head and grabbed your bike, heading out into the rain without even so much as a goodbye.

I cried myself to sleep in James' arms that night completely humiliated and scared that I had only served to drive you further away from me.

James promised he would talk to you, try and make you see what an "asshole" you were being.

He came back the next day with a black eye.

I guess you weren't in the mood for talking.

The stranger thing was, despite everything, you still acted as normal around me. The Monday after the kiss, you jogged up to me in the hallway and hugged me like you usually did, starting a conversation about this thing you had seen on TV about BMXing. I had wanted to ask you about the kiss, what had happened between you and Jamie, but I could tell that if I asked then your good mood would be gone.

So for ages, I forget how long really, we both pretended like nothing ever happened and in that time I was almost sure we grew closer, you started opening up a bit more, you started smiling more and talking more, it was like that kiss had made a difference after all… that or you really needed to punch Jamie just to put yourself in a better mood.

It was Lee's birthday.

He demanded we all went out to that club that had just opened. You didn't want to go, neither did the Mikes' but it was Lee's birthday so we all agreed to do it for him. I remember coming out of the bathroom with just a towel around my waist and heading into my bedroom, stopping dead in my tracks when I saw you.

It wasn't that I was surprised to see you, you were meant to be staying at mine the night anyway so you had come around early to get ready. So it wasn't the fact you were in my room, it was the fact you were standing there looking so amazing.

You hadn't noticed me come in yet, you were busy fiddling with your hair that was short but scruffy, the kind of hair you wanted to run your hands through time and time again. You had on those faded blue jeans, the ones you rarely wore, that hung from your hips and clung to your ass just so. You had a plain black t-shirt on that was snugger than the ones you usually wore, not so snug that it made you look like a complete queer but enough so that when you stretched the pale expanse of your stomach was exposed so invitingly to anyone who saw it.

You looked, stunning, so simple yet so stunning that I was almost tempted to walk up to you and kiss you again and just do what ever came to mind you know?

I cleared my voice to let you know I was in the room. You turned slowly to look at me and smiled a little, your eyes dark again; you were listening to me. I had noticed a long time ago how you never did anything quickly, how you had a grace about everything you did, that you had to do it carefully and with poise. I loved it, I truly did, it was so amazing, I loved how you would turn slowly, how you would look at me with a slow soft gaze, and it was just… amazing.

"Looking good." I murmured nodding a little as I went back into normal mode, heading for the closet to grab my clothes.

"Thanks." You answered in that calm, smooth voice. "I'll wait outside."

I didn't stop you as you headed out leaving me to change.

It was at the club things took another turn between us. Everyone was off dancing or socialising leaving us two to guard the table. I could tell you weren't enjoying yourself, you hated crowded places but you promised to bear it for Lee's sake. The whole night I kept watching you, looking at you when you were looking away talking to someone or looking around for the others. You had that disinterested look on your face; the one I knew meant you didn't want to be here.

I must have watched you on off for about two hours before you eventually stood up not letting me know where you were going but judging by the direction you were going you were heading for the gents. I sat there drinking my vodka and cola before I got fed up of waiting anymore and stood up following you about two minutes later.

You were just on your way out of the bathroom.

I didn't give you a chance to talk as I pushed you back against the wall, the shadows protecting us as I pressed my lips to yours, my hands managing to make it up under your shirt, my fingers itching to feel your skin. You didn't protest, you didn't struggle or yell at me, you just kissed me back hungrily, our lips melding together perfectly as our tongue met running in to each other, exploring each other's mouths. I heard you moan, my body pressed flush against yours as I held you against the wall refusing to let you go, refusing to let you run away as I controlled the kiss perfectly taking control over you completely.

It felt right.

You didn't even move as my fingers undid your belt hastily, pulling those sexy blue jeans off your hips with your boxers before I fell onto my knees before you. You just stared at me panting, your eyes wide yet so dark, darker than I ever thought they could be and I knew I had your undivided attention as I smiled up at you, teasing you with my tongue.

Every moan and curse was like music to me, your face so angelic as you closed your eyes panting heavily, your rosy lips parted as you moaned and begged me to stop teasing. I loved every second of you, I loved every moan you made as I sucked you, grating my teeth over sensitive skin making you cry out, your voice almost drowned out by the music around us, your chest heaving under the black t-shirt. I could tell you were struggling to keep control, to make this last forever but as much as you wanted to make this last, I wanted to taste you and I had my ways.

I think you screamed when you finally came, your hands covering your eyes as you spilt your load into my mouth. I'm not actually sure if you screamed because the music was so loud but Jesus, did you look so hot standing there with your jeans around your ankles, your cheeks flushed from your orgasm.

And just when I thought I had your attention, your eyes lightened and became blank before you pulled your jeans back on doing the belt up hurriedly. I watched you, not making a move to stop you and I knew I should have done but I didn't, I just didn't.

"I'll see you later." You told me before disappearing into the crowd.

I cried myself to sleep in James' arms again that night.

This time he didn't offer to speak to you, he just told me that no one could ever get through to you, you were an enigma, that nothing we did or said would make you open up, or give us a clue to who you really were.

It went on like this for years. We graduated college, and just before we even thought about University, we got signed. Most of the time we got along fine, nothing changed, some days you were cheery and happy and acted like you didn't have a care in the world then other days you were cold and distant, you refused to associate with us.

We spent a week recording the first album. One whole fucking week, that was it, nothing compared to what most bands spent recording but it was all we could manage. I barely saw you in that whole week; we were all so busy.

Then there was the touring, god was that a bitch.

We must have been at each other's throats most of the time, we all hated being locked in a can on wheels and the air was electric just waiting for the spark. Both of us spent a number of nights together when touring, but every time, just when I thought I had finally got you, when I thought you were finally opening up and letting me in, you shut the door, you would walk away, you would pretend nothing was going on, and every time the pain got a lot worse for me.

Because I'll admit it now Stuart, I'm fucking crazy about you, I fucking love you, like you'll never believe, and in those hours we spend together, your lips on mine, my body dominating yours… I can pretend you are mine right before you run away.

We started the second album.

We were in LA, okay so it's not home, but it was a new experience. We all shared a huge ass house together on some expensive private estate. This time we had to spend more time together, and it was at the beginning when the shit finally hit the fan.

"Stuart…" I moaned breathlessly, looking down at you, my dick in your mouth. "Oh fuck yes… that's it…"

I felt electricity shoot through me every time you sucked me off, my back pressed against the bedroom wall, my jeans around my ankles and your head between my legs giving me the best orgasms I could I ever imagine. You had obviously been a pro from the first time you started doing this, I guess you had, had a lot of practise with your secret boyfriends.

I smiled running my hands into your hair, my hips thrusting gently into your mouth, my sex drive taking over as I moaned and panted your name over and over, urging you on. I must have screamed your name twice over when I finally came into your mouth, you naturally drinking down everything as my body shuddered from the orgasm. Then you fell back panting, looking up at me, your hands just supporting you as you stared me; your lips still red from our making out session earlier.

"God damn you're good." I chuckled breathlessly as I pulled my jeans back up and did the buckle up.

You didn't answer me and you looked at me, your eyes dark and attentive.

I knew I probably had a minute before you became distant again so I didn't waste time, crouching down to your level and looking at you in the eye.

"I've been thinking…" I started waiting for any sign you would stop listening. "We've been doing this for years now Stu… maybe we should take it further, maybe… maybe you could be my boyfriend."

You looked at me for a moment before you stood up and sighed heading for the door.

"Stu?" I watched you in disbelief.

"I can't, I'm sorry." You answered, you expression blank, your voice empty.

"What do you mean you can't?" I asked standing up and narrowing my eyes. "Jesus Stuart! I'm telling you I want to be with you! I want you!"

"I know, and I want you too but I can't be with you." You answered in that calm quiet voice.

"So you'd rather we spend the rest of our lives having cheap thrills before you run away again? Is that it?" I yelled at you, unable to control my anger anymore, unable to hold in my hurt.

You looked away unable to answer me.

"I love you, I fucking love you Stuart!" I cried, I didn't care if you could see my tears or hear my own desperation now. "I love you so much damnit! I want to be with you, I've always wanted to be with you!"

"I know." You whispered looking up, your eyes sad and empty. "I'm sorry."

And again, I let you run away, and I didn't stop you at all.

James figured it was becoming a ritual for me to come crawling to him after every time with you. He said it wasn't a good ritual, but then again anything associated with an enigma was usually bad.

And what's really tough is that I'm starting to believe him, you were an enigma, a mystery, a puzzle I could not solve. The signals were mixed, just like an enigma. You said you wanted me, you let me touch you, hold you, love you, yet when I finally ask you to be with me, to be part of me, you say you can't, that you can't be like that.

"I know this is tough Ian…. But maybe… maybe you should stop this, call it quits and move on." James told me this time.

"I'm starting to wish I could." I sighed looking at him sadly. "But I can't, I'm hooked, I love him, I need him… I can't let him go."

We spent a year recording the new album, things between us eased, although they were never the same, we didn't spend nights together, we didn't kiss or touch. We became ordinary friends again and god it was killing me.

Then the album was finally finished and we went home for a few weeks before we were to start touring and promoting.

It was when we were spending the final night at the hotel in Ponty, that things changed, that things took another turn.

I was sitting in my room thinking about how great everything was right now and that perhaps things couldn't get better. Of course when you knocked on the door I wasn't expecting it to be you, after all you never came to see me anymore. But there you were standing at my hotel door, your eyes so dark and enchanting, your hair falling to your eyes as you stared me, your hands stuffed into the pockets of your jeans.

"Can I come in?" You asked quietly.

I nodded probably looking like a complete idiot with a smile on my face as I stepped aside letting you pass. You brushed up against me and my skin tingled, my mind swimming when I breathed in your scent.

"So…" I began following you into the main area of my room. "What brings you here?"

You simply shrugged as you looked around the room, your eyes going light for a little while before the darkness consumed them again. I watched for as you wandered around the room looking it over as if it needed your approving first before you chose to speak to me.

"Thought I'd come talk to you." You eventually say in a quiet voice.

"Oh yeah? What about?" I asked trying my hardest to act normal when really I wanted to push you against a wall and fuck you.

You seemed to know that as well, or maybe you wanted it too, because you looked at me with this knowing expression on your face, your eyes dark and cold as always.

"About what's going on between us." You answered watching me as if you were looking for some kind of reaction.

I nodded and leant against a wall.

"We've known each other since we were kids," He started not moving, your hands still stuffed in your pockets. "I guess when you know someone that long you should really know them inside out."

I nodded again.

"And I mean, I pretty much know you inside out now." You carried on turning away from me slightly as you began slowly pacing around. "It's just…"

"… I know nothing about you." I cut you off right there, your eyes coming up to meet mine. "I know nothing about you Stuart, sure I know when you were born, I know your mother's name, I know how old you are and what school you went to, but that's it Stuart, that's all I know."

You looked at me for a moment before nodding and looking away.

"Yeah, about that…" You sighed and shook your head. "I just… wanted to tell you that, no matter what you think, I do love you, but I can't be with you Ian, not now. I can't be that close to you."

"And why not?" I asked stepping towards you.

"I dunno Ian, I don't really know, but… I thought it was best that I never let you get too close in case… in case I hurt you, or you hurt me." You explained slowly.

"But you did let me get close Stuart." I murmured still moving towards you slowly. "You let me get so incredibly close, then you made me love you and then, you did hurt me Stuart, you fucking broke my heart."

"I know…" You whispered closing your eyes. "I know, and I'm sorry I really am."

I was right in front of you now, slowly pushing you backwards as I spoke.

"I don't care if you can't let me in Stuart, I don't care if you can't tell me when something is bugging you, but I love you, don't you understand? I want to be with you no matter what." I explained to you as you stepped backwards until you were in the bathroom, the white walls glowing from the light.

You didn't answer as you walked backwards until your back hit the wall, your eyes locked with mine.

I didn't need your permission anymore, I never asked for it in the first place, you always were willing anyway as I pressed my lips to yours, not realising until now how much I missed your lips or that you were mildly drunk. But I kissed you regardless, my fingers wasting no time to push your shirt up revealing your creamy chest to me. I smiled at you glad to see nothing had changed before I pulled your shirt off completely letting it drop to the floor.

One thing I never understood was how you could keep putting us both through this, because I knew you wanted it yet didn't all at once. You let us be together for a few hours then you would run and even though I prayed this time to be different, as I pushed you under the shower, the water cascading off your body, as I kissed you hungrily, turning you around, your hands bracing the cold wet walls. I mean there was no harm in wishing, no harm in begging some unknown force to make you stay this time.

And yet, even as we became one physically, as you screamed my name over and over, as I kissed your back feverishly as the pleasure took over me, I knew deep down, that this time really was no different from any other time, you would leave once this was done and perhaps it was time I accepted that.

"I love you Stuart." I murmured in your ear as we lay in a heap at the bottom of the shower, the water showering down on us with out mercy.

"I love you too Dan." You whispered shakily, and I knew that it wasn't water that was running down your face but tears because we both knew that you would soon be leaving again, running just like you always do.

But even though the signals were mixed, like an enigma, I knew I'd be waiting for you Stuart, because I would always wait for you, I would wait to finally break your code and have you stay forever…

…The way it should be.