BOOK ONE
The Great Castle of Sauraman the Unwise
Chapter 1
We find Merry, Pippin, Xanthias, Xanthe, Frodo, and some other weirdoes in Frodo's living room.
Frodo: Lets play Scrabble!
Xanthias: You idiot! Do you know who heard that?!
Xanthe: BUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Prodigious!
Xanthias: Told you.
Sam: Anyway...
Frodo: How about Yhatzee?
All: Shut Up!
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
Gandalf: Anyone there?
Frodo: Quick! Everyone hide!
Sam: No one's home!
Merry: Idiots! I'm surrounded by idiots!
Gandalf: *Blasts door away.* I've got you you stinking Tooks! Or whatever you are.
Frodo: Gandalf?
Gandalf: No, Not really. I'm Sauraman. Dressed up as Gandalf.
Xanthias: *Grabs remote* Okay, Let's fast-forward to the action.
Before anyone can react, Xanthias hits the fast-forward button and time goes zooming along until they find themselves in the dark castle of Sauraman's.
Chapter 2
Pip: I'm hungry.
Merry: At least Strider isn't here. He doesn't know when or how to eat.
Strider, from the depths of the shadows, sneaks up on Merry
RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Pip:...
Frodo:...
Xanthias:...
Merry: *passed out*
Frodo: *recovering* Strider! Why are you here?
Strider: I also was captured by the evil Sauraman.
Pip: How poetic!
Frodo: Who wrote this stupid thing anyway?
ALL LOOK AT XANTHE
Xanthe: It wasn't me, I swear! I'm not that stupid!
CHAPTER 3
A few hours later
Merry: *just waking up* Where are we!
Frodo: On a pleasure cruise! Where do you think?!?!
Merry: *twitching*
Pip: There's always something coming when he twitches.
Merry: No, It's just that-
Xanthe: *rolls her eyes*
Merry: I had this really weird dream.
Frodo: Dreams happen.
Xanthe: *sarcastic laughter*Haw Haw Haww!
Xanthias: Get on with it!
Merry: Ok. Well, in the dream, I woke up and looked around and you guys were all sleeping. So, I moved toward the wall opposite us and pushed on it. And it opened.
All: OOOOOHHHHHH!
All: *sniggers*
Merry: Fine, I'll prove it to you.
Merry walks over to the wall and pushes. It actually pops open!
Strider:...
Frodo: I think we have a telepathic freak with us.
Merry: aHa!!
All walk through the hidden passage.
Chapter 4
Once they were through the great small hidden passage, they came upon some steps going up, and some going down.
Merry:..
Strider: W.W.A.D?
Frodo: What?
Strider: *annoyed* What would Arwen do!
Xanthe: Oh no. No!
Strider: *dreamy look in eyes* Arwen, my love, I wrote a song for you.
Xanthias: Takes out hidden remote control and makes threatening gestures at Strider.
Before another move is taken-which would have ended in destruction, by the way- An arrow flies through the air and hits Strider.
Chapter 5
Arwen *popping up from the stairs*: Crap! That was supposed to hit Xanthe!
Xanthe: *offended look* What?
Strider: *on the ground dying*: We were really part of Sauraman's army. We've been pretending all this time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Arwen: Oh my love! You're dying!
Strider: Just a flesh wound.
Xanthe: Did you see Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
Strider: Of course!
Xanthias: Brother!
Strider gives Arwen one last kiss and then falls to the floor dead.
Merry: Serves him right.
Arwen: I can't imagine life without him! Sauraman, help me!
They all hear a rumbling sound and then a bottle of Cyanide appears in Arwen's hand.
Pip: Cool!
Arwen: Yes! Perfect! Thank you!
She takes the bottle and empties its contents into her mouth. After 3
seconds she also falls dead on top of Strider.
Xanthe: Haven't I seen this somewhere before?
Merry: Like in a Shakespeare play, or something?
Chapter 6
After descending the stairs, the group of five travels under a huge arch and then into a great Hall filled with Orcs.
Frodo: Watch out!
All run behind the wall and crouch waiting.
Merry: What's going on?
Frodo: I don't know!
Xanthe: Well, we don't want to be caught, that's all I know.
Xanthias: Gees, you must not know a lot!
Xanthe: *sticks her tongue out at him*
Pip: Shut up!
Merry: *sighs*
They turn around, hearing someone coming up from behind them.
Frodo: Who goes there?
Xanthe: No No No! You have to do it like this. Who goeth hither and thither?
Frodo: Does it really matter?
Xanthias: Don't contradict the omnicient Oz
Merry: That was bad.
Xanthias: I know.
Meanwhile, the mysterious person from the shadows starts laughing.
Pip: What's so funny?
Gandalf: It's me, Gandalf!
Frodo: How do we know it's really you?
Gandalf: You're the dumbest person in the world.
Merry: Ok. It's him.
Xanthe: So now to the problem of the Orcs.
Xanthias: Oh yeah.
Gandalf: Well, if you care to follow me, I can show you a hidden passageway past the obstacles ahead.
Xanthe: Well, for once you're not just a useless piece of-
Frodo: Language!
Xanthe: ROOOOOOOOFFFFFF!!!!!!!!
Chapter 7
Gandalf: Come on, follow me!
So, they all troop backwards a few yards until Gandalf comes upon a torch in the wall.
Gandalf: Okay, someone hold my staff.
Pip: Sure.
Gandalf: Anyone but you
Pip: *retreats with offended look*
Xanthe: Oh, fine I'll take it.
Gandalf: Thank you. Now, everyone stand back.
All stand back. Gandalf pulls the torch out and immediately the wall swings out towards them.
Gandalf: Okay, fast people first. I hate being behind fat people when you have to run fast.
All look at where Sam should have been.
Xanthias: What happened to Sam?
Merry: I haven't remembered seeing him since Sauraman came to get us!
Xanthe: Oh well. At least I still have his Bazooka.
Frodo: Xanthe!
Xanthe: Oh, now you guys were best buds, huh?
Frodo: *eyes getting watery* I remember when...
Gandalf: Okay, we'll leave you here. Xanthias, you go first. Then Xanthe. Then me. Then Frodo and then Merry, and then Pip.
Pip:*muttering to himself* Always put last. Makes one wonder who one's friends are.
Xanthe: *overhearing* Count me out!
What they hadn't noticed was that while they were talking, the Orcs had crept into the Hall. Now, they were about to pounce!
Gandalf: Everyone run!
Xanthias and Xanthe while running:
Xanthias: So, what do you think is going to happen?
Xanthe: Who knows?
Xanthias: I do.
Xanthe: Care to tell?
Xanthias: Not really.
Xanthe: *puts on a burst of speed and rushes past Xanthias * Really! The unfairness of it all!!!!!!!!
Chapter 8
After running along the curving path, they all come upon a door.
Frodo: It's stuck!
Gandalf: No, there is a spell on it. Everyone, step back!
Everyone: *steps back*
Gandalf: Peneau hiseau tupideau ooreau!
Door: ...
Frodo: ...
Pip: ...
Merry: .
Xanthe: .
Xanthias: .
Gandalf: @!#$%$#%^^&*&*(*^!!!!!!!
Frodo: Language!
Xanthe: Um, you guys, the Orcs are almost here!
Xanthias: Okay, let me get at the door. Thank you. Now, Xanthe, can I have Sam's bazooka?
Xanthe: Why didn't I think of this?
Xanthias: Because you didn't get enough sleep last night!
Xanthe: Fart on you!
BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM
Gandalf: That's even better than Magic! If I ever get out of here, I'm
getting' one of those!
Xanthe: That's when I move out of the country.
All run through the door.
Chapter 9
Frodo: Where are we?
Evil voice from the shadows: You are in the secret room of the Evil Unwise
Sauraman!
Xanthe: Is that supposed to scare us?
Pip: I think so HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Xanthias: *hits him hard* Shut up! Let's hear what he says.
Sauraman: I love being evil!
Xanthe: Me too. I mean *uneasy laughter*
Merry: Another Strider.
Sauraman: So! What brings you to this desolate, dreary, dark place I cal home? Wait a tic! I'm supposed to know that as a Wizard.
Gandalf: *quietly* Hence the name *unwise*.
Frodo: We do not come in peace!
Sauraman: Good. I hate when people want to be friends. It annoys me.
Xanthias: Where have you taken Samwise?
Sarauman: Oh yes, I remember him. I think, actually, I chained him up over
on that wall!
From the Wall: Help Me!
Xanthe: Oh Sam, my love! What has begot you?
Sam: Nothing begot me. But you forgot me! So now I can rot with thee! See?
Frodo: *vomit noises*
Pip: I don't think that made sense.
Gandalf: Here. I will unlock his chains.
Sauraman: Wait a minute. I can't let you do that!? Can I?
Gandalf: I need some light. Quadragisima!
Sauraman: NOOOOO!!!!! I hate light!
As the light hit Sauraman, the found that he was actually just a little frog!
Xanthias: Hey!
Xanthe: oh my!
Gandalf: Goodness!
Frodo: Whew!
Merry: ROOOOF!!!
Pip: Like, wow.
Sam: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! Bazoooooooookaaaa Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmeee!
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB BB
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM MM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!
Xanthias: Okay, I think it's time to go home.
Xanthe: He's dead!
Pip: No duh!
Xanthe: *sticks her tongue out* WEll, it was fun while it lasted. We'll talk to you next time where I think we will have another HUGE adventure!
Frodo: So, what was all that crap about my love with Sam?
Xanthe: Don't you know how to be poetic? It sounded right.
The Great Castle of Sauraman the Unwise
Chapter 1
We find Merry, Pippin, Xanthias, Xanthe, Frodo, and some other weirdoes in Frodo's living room.
Frodo: Lets play Scrabble!
Xanthias: You idiot! Do you know who heard that?!
Xanthe: BUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! Prodigious!
Xanthias: Told you.
Sam: Anyway...
Frodo: How about Yhatzee?
All: Shut Up!
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
Gandalf: Anyone there?
Frodo: Quick! Everyone hide!
Sam: No one's home!
Merry: Idiots! I'm surrounded by idiots!
Gandalf: *Blasts door away.* I've got you you stinking Tooks! Or whatever you are.
Frodo: Gandalf?
Gandalf: No, Not really. I'm Sauraman. Dressed up as Gandalf.
Xanthias: *Grabs remote* Okay, Let's fast-forward to the action.
Before anyone can react, Xanthias hits the fast-forward button and time goes zooming along until they find themselves in the dark castle of Sauraman's.
Chapter 2
Pip: I'm hungry.
Merry: At least Strider isn't here. He doesn't know when or how to eat.
Strider, from the depths of the shadows, sneaks up on Merry
RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Pip:...
Frodo:...
Xanthias:...
Merry: *passed out*
Frodo: *recovering* Strider! Why are you here?
Strider: I also was captured by the evil Sauraman.
Pip: How poetic!
Frodo: Who wrote this stupid thing anyway?
ALL LOOK AT XANTHE
Xanthe: It wasn't me, I swear! I'm not that stupid!
CHAPTER 3
A few hours later
Merry: *just waking up* Where are we!
Frodo: On a pleasure cruise! Where do you think?!?!
Merry: *twitching*
Pip: There's always something coming when he twitches.
Merry: No, It's just that-
Xanthe: *rolls her eyes*
Merry: I had this really weird dream.
Frodo: Dreams happen.
Xanthe: *sarcastic laughter*Haw Haw Haww!
Xanthias: Get on with it!
Merry: Ok. Well, in the dream, I woke up and looked around and you guys were all sleeping. So, I moved toward the wall opposite us and pushed on it. And it opened.
All: OOOOOHHHHHH!
All: *sniggers*
Merry: Fine, I'll prove it to you.
Merry walks over to the wall and pushes. It actually pops open!
Strider:...
Frodo: I think we have a telepathic freak with us.
Merry: aHa!!
All walk through the hidden passage.
Chapter 4
Once they were through the great small hidden passage, they came upon some steps going up, and some going down.
Merry:..
Strider: W.W.A.D?
Frodo: What?
Strider: *annoyed* What would Arwen do!
Xanthe: Oh no. No!
Strider: *dreamy look in eyes* Arwen, my love, I wrote a song for you.
Xanthias: Takes out hidden remote control and makes threatening gestures at Strider.
Before another move is taken-which would have ended in destruction, by the way- An arrow flies through the air and hits Strider.
Chapter 5
Arwen *popping up from the stairs*: Crap! That was supposed to hit Xanthe!
Xanthe: *offended look* What?
Strider: *on the ground dying*: We were really part of Sauraman's army. We've been pretending all this time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Arwen: Oh my love! You're dying!
Strider: Just a flesh wound.
Xanthe: Did you see Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
Strider: Of course!
Xanthias: Brother!
Strider gives Arwen one last kiss and then falls to the floor dead.
Merry: Serves him right.
Arwen: I can't imagine life without him! Sauraman, help me!
They all hear a rumbling sound and then a bottle of Cyanide appears in Arwen's hand.
Pip: Cool!
Arwen: Yes! Perfect! Thank you!
She takes the bottle and empties its contents into her mouth. After 3
seconds she also falls dead on top of Strider.
Xanthe: Haven't I seen this somewhere before?
Merry: Like in a Shakespeare play, or something?
Chapter 6
After descending the stairs, the group of five travels under a huge arch and then into a great Hall filled with Orcs.
Frodo: Watch out!
All run behind the wall and crouch waiting.
Merry: What's going on?
Frodo: I don't know!
Xanthe: Well, we don't want to be caught, that's all I know.
Xanthias: Gees, you must not know a lot!
Xanthe: *sticks her tongue out at him*
Pip: Shut up!
Merry: *sighs*
They turn around, hearing someone coming up from behind them.
Frodo: Who goes there?
Xanthe: No No No! You have to do it like this. Who goeth hither and thither?
Frodo: Does it really matter?
Xanthias: Don't contradict the omnicient Oz
Merry: That was bad.
Xanthias: I know.
Meanwhile, the mysterious person from the shadows starts laughing.
Pip: What's so funny?
Gandalf: It's me, Gandalf!
Frodo: How do we know it's really you?
Gandalf: You're the dumbest person in the world.
Merry: Ok. It's him.
Xanthe: So now to the problem of the Orcs.
Xanthias: Oh yeah.
Gandalf: Well, if you care to follow me, I can show you a hidden passageway past the obstacles ahead.
Xanthe: Well, for once you're not just a useless piece of-
Frodo: Language!
Xanthe: ROOOOOOOOFFFFFF!!!!!!!!
Chapter 7
Gandalf: Come on, follow me!
So, they all troop backwards a few yards until Gandalf comes upon a torch in the wall.
Gandalf: Okay, someone hold my staff.
Pip: Sure.
Gandalf: Anyone but you
Pip: *retreats with offended look*
Xanthe: Oh, fine I'll take it.
Gandalf: Thank you. Now, everyone stand back.
All stand back. Gandalf pulls the torch out and immediately the wall swings out towards them.
Gandalf: Okay, fast people first. I hate being behind fat people when you have to run fast.
All look at where Sam should have been.
Xanthias: What happened to Sam?
Merry: I haven't remembered seeing him since Sauraman came to get us!
Xanthe: Oh well. At least I still have his Bazooka.
Frodo: Xanthe!
Xanthe: Oh, now you guys were best buds, huh?
Frodo: *eyes getting watery* I remember when...
Gandalf: Okay, we'll leave you here. Xanthias, you go first. Then Xanthe. Then me. Then Frodo and then Merry, and then Pip.
Pip:*muttering to himself* Always put last. Makes one wonder who one's friends are.
Xanthe: *overhearing* Count me out!
What they hadn't noticed was that while they were talking, the Orcs had crept into the Hall. Now, they were about to pounce!
Gandalf: Everyone run!
Xanthias and Xanthe while running:
Xanthias: So, what do you think is going to happen?
Xanthe: Who knows?
Xanthias: I do.
Xanthe: Care to tell?
Xanthias: Not really.
Xanthe: *puts on a burst of speed and rushes past Xanthias * Really! The unfairness of it all!!!!!!!!
Chapter 8
After running along the curving path, they all come upon a door.
Frodo: It's stuck!
Gandalf: No, there is a spell on it. Everyone, step back!
Everyone: *steps back*
Gandalf: Peneau hiseau tupideau ooreau!
Door: ...
Frodo: ...
Pip: ...
Merry: .
Xanthe: .
Xanthias: .
Gandalf: @!#$%$#%^^&*&*(*^!!!!!!!
Frodo: Language!
Xanthe: Um, you guys, the Orcs are almost here!
Xanthias: Okay, let me get at the door. Thank you. Now, Xanthe, can I have Sam's bazooka?
Xanthe: Why didn't I think of this?
Xanthias: Because you didn't get enough sleep last night!
Xanthe: Fart on you!
BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM
Gandalf: That's even better than Magic! If I ever get out of here, I'm
getting' one of those!
Xanthe: That's when I move out of the country.
All run through the door.
Chapter 9
Frodo: Where are we?
Evil voice from the shadows: You are in the secret room of the Evil Unwise
Sauraman!
Xanthe: Is that supposed to scare us?
Pip: I think so HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Xanthias: *hits him hard* Shut up! Let's hear what he says.
Sauraman: I love being evil!
Xanthe: Me too. I mean *uneasy laughter*
Merry: Another Strider.
Sauraman: So! What brings you to this desolate, dreary, dark place I cal home? Wait a tic! I'm supposed to know that as a Wizard.
Gandalf: *quietly* Hence the name *unwise*.
Frodo: We do not come in peace!
Sauraman: Good. I hate when people want to be friends. It annoys me.
Xanthias: Where have you taken Samwise?
Sarauman: Oh yes, I remember him. I think, actually, I chained him up over
on that wall!
From the Wall: Help Me!
Xanthe: Oh Sam, my love! What has begot you?
Sam: Nothing begot me. But you forgot me! So now I can rot with thee! See?
Frodo: *vomit noises*
Pip: I don't think that made sense.
Gandalf: Here. I will unlock his chains.
Sauraman: Wait a minute. I can't let you do that!? Can I?
Gandalf: I need some light. Quadragisima!
Sauraman: NOOOOO!!!!! I hate light!
As the light hit Sauraman, the found that he was actually just a little frog!
Xanthias: Hey!
Xanthe: oh my!
Gandalf: Goodness!
Frodo: Whew!
Merry: ROOOOF!!!
Pip: Like, wow.
Sam: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! Bazoooooooookaaaa Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmeee!
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB BB
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM MM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!
Xanthias: Okay, I think it's time to go home.
Xanthe: He's dead!
Pip: No duh!
Xanthe: *sticks her tongue out* WEll, it was fun while it lasted. We'll talk to you next time where I think we will have another HUGE adventure!
Frodo: So, what was all that crap about my love with Sam?
Xanthe: Don't you know how to be poetic? It sounded right.