Crazy Monologues!
By: Lydia

Holy blue! There's nothing in the refrigerator! Please tell me I can eat something, is there any food? Oh, no, NO, that CAN'T be true! NO FOOD?! AWWW! This is HORRIBLE! Now I'll starve! Someone help me, PLEASE! Oh, thanks, mom, I didn't see that huge turkey in the oven! Yum!

Wow, did you get a new bike? Cool! Can I ride it?... No?! Why not?... Oh, I see, you're a clean freak, and you think I'll get my bad germs on your bike!... No?... Oh, I see, you think with a new bike you're better than me, and if I'm not as good as you than you won't let me ride it, huh?... No? Then why won't you let me ride it?... oh... I see... sorry, I didn't know you weren't allowed to share your bike with anyone else... I think next time, I'll just get me a new bike...

singing Water! Water! I - love - water! Water! Water- gasp! Where's the well? WHERE'S THE WELL?! Oh, no, oh, no! This is just TERRIBLE! How am I and my family supposed to have water?! No, no, no, this can't be right, this can't be right! puts hands to head in denial and frustration and worry This isn't what was supposed to happen! The well's always right here! It's right here, but it's not right here, it's gone! head begins to spin when someone suddenly speaks Huh?... WHAT?! The well's over-... oh, how silly of me! I forgot that the well was a few meters to the right of here! Phew, that was a close one!

Whoa! Look at that building! It's gotta be taller than the Sears Tower!... HUH?! It's only 3 feet tall?! YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! Are you blind?! That thing's gotta be more than 2000 feet tall!... What?! Now you're saying I'M blind?... oh! smacks hand to forehead He, he, thats right, we're in a room full of illusions! But still, how can they get the building to look that tall, it can't be possible in this small room!... I know we're in a room of illusions, but it still doesn't make sense! This room's gotta be only 7 feet tall and maybe 20 feet wide!... but it still makes no sense! By the way, how did you get so tall?

the magician waves wand over a hat And now I shall say the magic words, 'pooshum, booshum!' and the rabbit shall appear out of my hat!... oh, no! Nothing's happening! Uh, folks, just let me try again, I must've just not said the words right!... And now I shall say the magic words, 'pooshum, booshum!' and the rabbit shall appear out of my hat!... Oh, no, what's going on? Why isn't the rabbit coming out of the hat? starts to sweat Uh, ladies and gentlemen, just calm down, I'm sure I can get this to work by saying something else! Hmm... thinks Oh! And now I shall say the magic words, 'pushim, bushim' and the rabbit shall appear out of my hat!... oh, why isn't anything happening?! I'm beginning to get hysterical! Oh, wait, folks, WAIT! I can make it work, just give me a little time!... ah, they won't listen to a failure magician! I'm done for! My career is over! picks the hat up and is surprised at how light it is Oh! How stupid of me! Smacks hand to forehead I forgot to put the rabbit in the hat!

Ladies and gentlemen, I will now sing a song called "Night Dreams", a romantic song of a beautiful woman's dream of a lovely walk in the forest with her lover... piano starts playing a tune and singer begins singing No - one else - but you, sings a song of the leaves on the trees... a beach ball lands on singer's head and bounces off into the audience while singer pauses and blushes while getting a bit of an angry look on face; then piano starts up again while singer continues The time of day - you walk - with me, is the ve - ry be - st time... a knitting needle lands on singer's head and singer burns with anger and embarrassment as is now more than frustrated enough Ok, who is it?! Who is it that dropped the beach ball and the needle on my head?! I wanna know! NOW! no one says a word Alright, then, I'll just come down there and find out for myself! Audience leaves in a frenzy to get away from singer's wrath COWARDS! I know someone in that audience dropped those things on my head. Who else would wanna embarrass me?! someone says something to singer from backstage WHAT?! You left the machine on for the clown act that dropped stuff for the show from the ceiling?! Oh, my gosh! Now my career is REALLY ruined!

-OUCH! That hurt! You stupid spider! I hate you! You're never gonna be seen in this town again! Nothing good's comin' your way, honey, you're FINISHED! gets out a tommy gun and shoots the heck out of it That'll show that stupid baby spider how sensitive this 28-year-old woman is!

-Idiots! They're all idiots! Every one of them! I don't see why I even CARE to hang out with them! They don't talk to me, don't listen to me, they don't know how to have fun, and they just plain ignore me! It's as if I don't even EXIST to them! All they do is carry food to their nests! Black ants aren't any fun, maybe I should hang out with some red ones… YEAH!