The deep dark disparity.

My lonely heart aches,
And beats ever so slowly,
And beats ever so loudly,
Pounding like a hammer driving a spike.
I think it's ironic,
That when I'm lonely
I pull away,
Collapsing in on myself.
I become a super nova.
A bright star,
But hollow and dying.
I find myself constantly fighting back tears.
I fear this is how it will always be.
We all try to find what little companionship that we can,
But when I do,
I am stabbed in the chest
Leaving me even emptier than before.
In my opinion,
Loneliness is the worst felling.
I'd rather feel anything but,
But that's all I feel.
I try to turn it into another emotion,
And it seems anger is the easiest alternative.
Sometimes physical pain is the only way
To block out the pain inside.
I can't remember true joy.
Happiness seems like a simple allusion from the past.
Its specter returning to haunt me.
The memories of all the good times hurt,
Because it reminds me of what I don't have.
It is all the good emotions that cause pain.
Anger and hate can bring momentary fullness,
While the best emotions,
Be it love or happiness,
Tear you apart internally when lost.
Even now I'm slipping into anger.
My breaths quicken and deepen,
And I feel it in my chest.
My muscles tighten.
Why me?
Why must I feel this?
Some feel there is someone looking out for them.
That is just a comforting lie.
Don't deny it.
Those fools piss me off,
And I thank you, in away.
I despise your stupidity
And it covers up my pain.
I don't care about being courteous.
I writhe in pain
And you don't care.
I offer everything of me to help you,
But your selfish needs blind you.
Fuck you then.
And then my loneliness creeps back in.
Once again,
Arguing with shadows on the wall
And the paper in my hand.
Arguing with my imagination,
Alone in my room.