Eddie's hair is brown.
Brown like the wool of a dirty, muddy sheep.
His nose is sloped
Like the rooftop of my house,
Like the rooftop covering my house.

His fingers move
Like a greasy pig, covered in vegetable oil,
Sliding down a water slide;
Eddie's rapid fingers.

Eddie's feet tap the beat.
Yeah, Eddie's feet tap the beat.
Right hand strummeth,
Tunes he hummeth,
Not a bummeth,
My cousin Eddie.

Look at his shoulders;
Look how he breathes,
And they rise.
Look how he exhales,
And they fall.

His navel is like a whirlpool
A whirlpool leading to untold depths,
The very depths of Hades.

Skin like an olive,
Face like a peach.
Eddie is powerful with his long arms;
Like gorilla arms they dangle,
Like elephant trunks they sway.

The shape of his head is like
A morning with no sun.
A morning when everything is dark,
And nothing can be seen.
This is like the shape of his head.

And above all else, exalt his calves!
His calves are like
Large, flesh-colored, calve-shaped cucumbers.
Exactly like cucumbers,
Except for their resemblance to calves.