A Classic Tale of Classic Events Told in a Classic Way

A Classic Tale of Classic Events Told in a Classic Way: A story of true
love, intricate weddings, gummi worms of power, suicidal dragons, sinister
sorceress sisters, nasty rumors, mountaintop fortresses, and of course,
happy endings.
Act One- Scene One:
Narrator: One random day in a random kingdom, a random knight appears at
the random court of the random king Shnigzel.
King Shnigzel: Good Knight, Have you come to swear fealty to me?
Sir Raven: No, actually, I came to flirt shamelessly with your daughter
while you're not looking.
King Shnigzel: What?
Sir Raven: Nothing.
Narrator: And, of course, the knight, Sir Raven, and the lovely Princess
Thalia fell instantly, madly, and randomly in love. But, alas, as fate
would have it . . . Princess Thalia was engaged against her will to the
prince of a neighboring country. . . .
Act One- Scene Two:
King Shnigzel: You WILL marry prince Bobert. Why? Because I am your evil
conniving father who only wants more money and land.
Thalia: But, dude!
King Shnigzel: But, dude! There is no "but, dude"!
Thalia: Man . . . Prince Bobert is ugly, mean, and lazy.
King Shnigzel: What did you say?
Thalia: Uh . . . I said: Prince Bobert is lovely, lean, and . . . Self
motivated . . .?
King Shnigzel: Oh, good. It's settled then. I'll have my personal planner
start making plans.
Act One: Scene Three:
Narrator: The good knight, Sir Raven came to visit Princess Thalia that
Thalia: Alas, my love, as fate would have it, my evil conniving father has
engaged me against my will to the prince of a neighboring country. Whatever
shall I do?
Sir Raven: Then, I shall have to slay the totally unrelated dragon and save
you from your plight. In the mean time, stall the wedding as best you can.
Take as long as humanly possible to order a dress from the wedding
Narrator: And so, Sir Raven left the princess Thalia to slay the totally
unrelated dragon and save her from her plight. But, first, he had to find
his friend, the brave Knight Sir Tweedleeus.
Act One- Scene Four:
Sir Raven: Oh, Lacksalot, my friend and comrade, I must ask of you one
Sir Lacksalot: Sure thing, pal. What's the favor?
Sir Raven: My true love is betrothed to another, and-
Sir Lacksalot: Man, that's gotta suck.
Sir Raven: Totally. Anyways, I must go and slay the totally unrelated
dragon to save her from her plight.
Sir Lacksalot: Sure! Lets go!
Narrator: So, the two valiant knights head off to slay the totally
unrelated dragon and save Princess Thalia from her plight. But, they must
first cross the bridge of the somewhat related troll . . . .
Act Two- Scene One:
Narrator: After two days of traveling, the two brave knights reached the
bridge of the Somewhat related troll.
Sir Raven: Good troll, sir . . .
Sir Lacksalot: "Good troll sir?" Where the heck did you get THAT from?
Sir Raven: Oh, be quiet! I'm just winging this, give me a break . . .
S.R.T: No, no, and no. No, you may not pass. No, you may not PAY me to let
you pass, and no, you may NOT have any of my gummi worms from my secret
stash of gummi worms.
Sir Lacksalot: As opposed to gummi BEARS from your secret stash of gummi
S.R.T: Yes. Quite so.
Sir Raven: But, we must pass! We must slay the totally unrelated dragon to
save my true love from her plight.
S.R.T: Then . . . We must do battle! (Draws wooden sword) Take that, sir
knight! (Lunges at Lacksalot, and misses)
Sir Lacksalot: (Takes S.R.T's sword and puts it under his arm) Oh no! I
have been slain! (Falls over)
Sir Raven: No! Lacksalot! Wretched troll! Curses upon your being! I shall
defeat you!
S.R.T: Hah! There is no way to defeat me! As long as I have my gummi worms
of power . . .
Sir Raven: May I see your all-powerful gummi worms?
S.R.T: Sure! (Hands bag of gummi worms to Raven)
Sir Raven: Hah! Now I have the gummi worms!
S.R.T: Noo! I have been defeated!
Narrator: So, after swearing to avenge Lacksalot's death, Raven heads off
again to slay the totally unrelated dragon and save his true love from her
Act Two- Scene Two:
Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the proverbial ranch, Princess Thalia looks
through the wedding catalogue.
Thalia: (Flips through wedding catalogue) Too conservative . . . Too skanky
. . . Too pink . . . Not pink enough . . . Too . . . Strapless . . . What
the crap?! Puce? No way!
Maidservant: Princess, what ails you so?
Thalia: Oh, Maidservant, none of these dresses please me!
Maidservant: You could wear your birthday suit!
Thalia: Um . . . No.
Maidservant: You could always make your own dress.
Thalia: Oh, don't be silly, Maidservant . . . That would . . . Take
forever! Perfect!
Maidservant: It's perfect because it would take forever?
Thalia: Yes! Of course. C'mon, lets start sewing!
Act Two- Scene Three:
Narrator: After 3 more days of weary traveling, Sir Raven reached the
dragon's lair. Always brave and headstrong, our hero charged into the cave,
sword drawn and non-existent banner flying. Little did he know that he was
in for quite a shock . . .
Sir Raven: W-what? You're a SUICIDAL dragon?
Dragon: (sob) Yes . . . I just don't understand why everyone wants to slay
me! I'm so unloved!
Sir Raven: (Hands dragon a handkerchief) Come now . . . You're not unloved
. . .
Dragon: Yes I am! All of my family was slain by knights! I'm so lonely!
Sir Raven: Well, I'll be here for a few hours . . . Why don't you tell me
about it . . .
Dragon: No! You're just trying to trick me so you can kill me to save your
true love from her plight. Well, I'll save you the trouble! I'll kill
Sir Raven: W-Woah, woah! Wait a minute . . . You don't have to kill
yourself . . . There's so much more to live for! Come now, dry your tears.
Why don't you tell me all about it. From the beginning.
Act Two- Scene Four:
Narrator: While Sir Raven was playing the Shrink to a depressed dragon,
King Shnigzel was growing tired of Thalia's obvious procrastination.
King Shnigzel: Thalia . . . First you're picky about your dress, then it
was your shoes, then it was the corsage, and NOW it's the cutlery?!
Thalia: One only gets married once, daddy . . . I want it to be perfect . .
. I'm not really sure about the upholstery in the honeymoon carriage . . .
Maroon really doesn't suit my complexion . . .
King Shnigzel: That's it, Thalia! You're getting married in three days, and
that is FINAL.
Thalia: But, dude!
King Shnigzel: Don't you "but, dude!" me, young lady!
Thalia: I hate you, daddy. Without you I'd be so much better off . . .
King Shnigzel: What did you say?
Thalia: Erm . . . I said: I thank you daddy. Without you I'd be . . . lost
. . .?
King Shnigzel: Oh, good. Well, it's settled then.
Thalia: But, daddy . . . I really want the ceiling tiles replaced in the
dining room before I'm to be wed . . .
King Shnigzel: Thalia . . .
Act Two- Scene Five:
Narrator: The next day, the king brought the princess's soon to be husband
to his court.
King Shnigzel: Thalia, this is Prince Bobert. I would like you to meet each
other before you are to be married. Why? Because it is partial to the plot
line. Now, go . . . bond.
Thalia: So, prince Bobert . . . .
Prince Bobert: Oh, just call me Rob.
Thalia: Rob? Where do you get that from?
Prince Bobert: Same place people the nick name "Bob" from "Robert".
Thalia: Oh. So . . . Rob . . . How would you like to play . . . Monopoly?
Prince Bobert: Um . . . Doesn't Monopoly take a long time?
Thalia: Oh, don't worry. Time is something we've got plenty of . . . I call
the wheelbarrow!
Act Two- Scene 6:
Narrator: 2 days after the king decided Thalia was to be married in three
days, Sir Raven emerged from the dragon's lair, unscathed and smiling.
Dragon: (Waves to Raven) Farewell, Sir Raven!
Sir Raven: I'll visit often, don't worry!
Dragon: I hope I'll find a way to return your kindness, good knight!
Sir Raven: No need, friend!
Narrator: So, Sir Raven traveled for almost half a day. And, as dusk was
settling itself like a blanket over the world, the brave knight felt like
he was being followed.
Sir Raven: Who's there? Please, show yourself, as I mean you no harm.
Narrator: Suddenly, two beautiful women emerged from the shadows.
Meechile: Oh, perhaps you do not, but WE do.
Reeja: I am Reeja, second of the two Sorceress Sisters.
Meechile: And I am Meechile, first of the two Sorceress Sisters.
Sir Raven: And what business would the Sorceress Sisters have with me?
Meechile: We have been so lonely on our mountaintop fortress . . . We have
been searching for a companion for a long time now . . .
Sir Raven: I'm sorry, but I am in a bit of a hurry . . .
Reeja: Nonsense . . . Won't you some with us . . . Even just for a cup of
Sir Raven; Well . . . I guess . . . As long as it doesn't take too much
time . . .
Reeja: Oh, of course not . . . Only about an entire lifetime . . .
Sir Raven: What?
Reeja and Meechile: Nothing.
Narrator: And, the wicked sorceress' words wove a spell that bewitched Sir
Raven to be their slave for eternity! And, with the Princess getting
married the next day . . . The future looked bleak . . . Besides, that very
same night, the game of Monopoly ended . . .
Prince Bobert: ::throws down money:: That's it. I quit.
Thalia: what? Quit?
Prince: I'm sick of this game. Besides, we're supposed to be married soon
Thalia: You suck.
Prince Bobert: What did you say?
Thalia: Um . . . I said . . . I like ducks?
Prince Bobert: Oh, good! It's settled then.
Act Three- Scene One:
Narrator: It has been one full month since the Sorceresses had bewitched
Sir Raven. Surprisingly, the young princess walks along a dirt road and
over a small bridge. Unfortunately, she is hopelessly lost . . .
Thalia: Curses. I'm hopelessly lost.
Narrator: Another surprise! A battered looking figure is just up the road .
. . princess Thalia squints at it as it draws nearer . . . .
Thalia: Hooray! It's a knight in dented, dusty, and somewhat oxidized
Sir Lacksalot: Princess? What the- Woah . . . Now I'm confused.
Thalia: So am I! Word on the streets was that you were dead.
Sir Lacksalot: (Laughs nervously) Heh, heh, heh . . . ABOUT that . . . .
Narrator: So, Sir Lacksalot proceeds to tell the princess about how he
thought he was dead, but was delighted to find out that he was, in fact,
not dead. The two walked along the road, exchanging stories.
Sir Lacksalot: So . . . What about you? I thought you were supposed to get
Thalia: (Laughs nervously) Heh, heh, heh . . . ABOUT that . . . .
Narrator: However, our royal princess never got to tell about her
"marriage". The two companions stopped suddenly at the great yawing mouth
of a cave.
Sir Lacksalot: Stand back, Princess! I think this is the lair of the
totally unrelated dragon! I shall draw my sword! (Reaches for sword) Crap .
. . I am severely lacking in the sword department. (Pulls out brown paper
bag) All I have is these gummi worms of extreme and immense power . . .
Totally useless . . .
Thalia: Wait . . . Extreme and immense? Don't throw those away, we might
need those later . . .
Narrator: Both the knight and the princess tensed as a mighty, yet totally
unrelated, dragon emerged from the cave.
Dragon: Oh! Hello! I didn't know I had guests . . . Won't you come in for
some tea?
Sir Lacksalot: Vile beast! Back off! If you don't, I shall have to gouge
your eyes out with a giant lance!
Dragon: Sorry to say this . . . But, you're severely lacking in the giant
lance department . . .
Sir Lacksalot: Oh . . . drat.
Thalia: (Begins to cry) Oh no! First I get lost, and now I'm to be captured
by a dragon! How will I ever save my true love from his plight? Woe is me!
Dragon: Hmm . . . Interesting. I had a knight here about a month ago who
had to save HIS true love from her plight. What a crazy coincidence . . .
You guys wouldn't happen to know each other?
Thalia: (gasps) Really! Please, tell me more! Was he tall, brave, valiant,
handsome, and skilled in all ways contending?
Dragon: Um . . . Yea! Of, course . . . A great shrink, too.
Thalia: That's him! Oh, woe is no longer me! Tell me . . . Where did he go?
Dragon: Well, news on the streets was that he was taken captive by the
Sinister Sorceress Sisters . . .
Sir Lacksalot: Wow . . . That's a mouthful.
Dragon: Yea. Try saying THAT three times fast.
Thalia: Oh, woe is me yet again! How will I ever get to their mountaintop
Dragon: Hey . . . I could help you. Sir Raven did a favor for me, and I
have yet to pay him back for it.
Thalia: Oh, woe is no longer me again! Thank you, Dragon, and we accept
your offer.
Narrator: So, the knight and the princess climb upon the dragon's back, and
begin to fly to the sorceresses' mountaintop fortress.
Act Three- Scene Two:
Narrator: It seemed to be just another day on the mountaintop fortress . .
. With the magical sisters sending the knight on various pointless tasks.
Like: Cleaning the shower, writing the numbers one through ten in every
language (including baboon), building a ten story house out of cards, and
-the ultimate oxymoronic task-shoveling snow in Wisconsin. I mean really,
you finally finish the drive way, and you look back to see that half of it
has already been covered with a new coat of snow! I mean, really . . .
Anyways . . . . The sorceresses were enjoying a sunny day in the courtyard
so they didn't even notice the dark shadow looming above them. It was the
(no longer) depressed dragon! Lo and behold! The dragon carried the
princess on its back! The dragon and the princess Thalia landed in the
courtyard, surprising the sorceresses.
Thalia: Hello! Are you the Sinister Sorceress Sisters?
Meechile: Yes. Try saying that three times fast.
Reeja: It IS a terrible tongue twister . . .
Meechile: Princess Thalia . . . What a surprise . . . What are you doing
here? Word on the streets was that you were to be married.
Thalia: Yea, but NOW I'm a WIDOW!
Reeja: Widow?
Meechile: Come, sit down, and tell us the story . . .
Sir Lacksalot: Sure! (Sits on a two person couch)
Thalia: (Sits on a single person couch)
Narrator: Suddenly, the upholstery of the furniture leapt to life and
wrapped around Sir Lacksalot, trapping him.
Sir Lacksalot: Eh? What the . . .?!
Meechile: Behold, our moth eating upholstery! No, not moth EATEN, moth
Reeja: (Nudges Meechile) Uh, why isn't it working on her? (Points to
Thalia: Because . . . I have the gummi worms of extreme and immense power!
Either that, or I have moth balls in my pocket.
Meechile: Witch! Nobody outwits the Sinister Sorceress Sisters.
Sir Lacksalot: Wow. That's a mouthful.
Reeja: Try saying that three times fast . . .
Thalia: Quite the contrary . . . I HAVE just defeated you. So, I DEMAND
that you let Raven free!
Meechile: And what makes you think we'll release him?
Thalia: Well, seeing that I'm a girl . . . I don't really like up front
combat. So, if you DON'T release him, I'll go back into town and spread
nasty rumors about you, and you'll never find a date to the prom!
Meechile and Reeja: Noo! Don't spread rumors about us!
Reeja: All right, all right . . . We'll let him go . . .
Narrator: So, the Sinister Sisters released Sir Raven to Princess Thalia.
The Dragon carried the three back to their homeland where they are to be
Sir Raven: Thank you, Dragon, for helping us.
Dragon: No . . . Thank YOU. I'm glad I could repay you for what you did for
Thalia: See you later, Dragon! We'll visit often.
Dragon: (Winks) Bring the kids!
Narrator: With Kind Shnigzel's grudging approval, the Princess and the
Knight are to be married.
Act Three- Scene Two:
Narrator: At last, after a few days of preparation, Sir Raven and Princess
Thalia are at their wedding . . .
Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and worms; I come here before you to
stand right behind you . . . (Coughs) All right, today Princess Thalia is
to be married to Sir Raven . . . They'll make their vows, pledge their
love, and aaallll thaaaat jaaaaazz! (Coughs) All right . . . You'll stick
together through thick and thin, rich and poor, sickness and health . . .
And a whole bunch of other boring stuff that nobody cares about. (Throws
book aside)) All right! Lets get to the hot and heavy stuff! Kiss the
bride, will ya!
Sir Raven: (Kisses the bride)
Crowd: (Cheers)
Narrator: And so, they live happily every after, during their three year
honeymoon in the Dominican Republic accompanied by Malibu Barbie, Socrates,
and Little Red Riding Hood.