A Hopeless Romantic's Rant

Do you know what it's like to be in a relationship, where you're afraid she'll leave you if you fall in love with her? It's quite an interesting situation. For some people, it's great! You don't ever have to worry about her loving you, or having to say, "I love you". Sometimes, though, it can screw with you, especially when you start to fall in love. So, here's the dilemma: 1.) Do you tell her and risk her leaving? Or 2.) Do you keep it to yourself and hope one day she will come around, but always wondering if she loves you, or just likes your company?

So, there I was one day, depressed, fresh out of one relationship and in the turmoil's of another. Women are strange. They love you one minute, and don't know what to do the next. They want you, then they don't. What are you going to do? I was sitting with a few friends waiting to go to a movie. Then she came in.

Did you ever get the wind knocked out of you, and you couldn't say a single thing? Well, that happened to me. She walked in and I was breathless. She had short blonde hair, a slim figure and a belly button ring, that shown out from under her little tank top. I was amazed. It was like an angel walked in. I wouldn't call it "love at first sight" in the least. Maybe more like "Shock at first sight". I was shocked and taken aback, but I was still too depressed to have love at first sight. Hell, I didn't even know if I believed in love anymore. Anyway, I stumbled out a "hello".

She was a friend of a friend. She came to join our little outing. After a few minutes, my wind was back and I was able to not act like a fool. For the rest of the night we talked, flirted, and had fun. For some reason, I was feeling really venerable and sad, so I told her about how I was just out of a relationship and how I was having trouble finding someone. She understood. She was always, very understanding. That's one thing that drew me to her. She told me she had been in some bad relationships in her time. We both agreed that love sucks. Kind of funny. A relationship growing out of the loathing of love.

A few nights later, we went out on a small date. Dinner and a movie, that sort of date stuff. We had a great time. Clicked on many aspects. After the movie, we took a walked and talked for hours. It was one of those heart to hearts that makes you feel like you've known the person for your whole life. I told her how I was a singer and guitarist in an acoustic band. And that I got a degree from culinary school and was currently a manager of a bakery. I was in line to buy the place, whenever the owner decided to sell it.

Then we got into relationships. I went into detail about my past relationship. I told all about how my ex was controlling. I refrained from using words to describe my ex that kept popping into my head. She then told me about her relationships. How she'd been used many times over again or she had been obsessed over. After her last few relationships, she doesn't want anything to do with love. It's messed her up too much. Heh, funny thing is, I felt the same way. "Fuck Love" was my new motto. I walked her home, and we kissed and went our separate ways.

The next day I called her. Answering machine answered. I don't like to talk to machines, but I left a message anyway. "Hey, it's me. I'm not doing anything tonight, so if you want to get together, maybe come over, have dinner and watch a movie, I'd love to have you over. Give me a call." I hate fucking machines. I never know what to say and I always sound so stupid. Well, I waited. Sat in my apartment, listened to something heavy, and waited. About three hours later the phone rings. I pick it up, and with in a happy, light voice, I say, "Hello". It turned out to be my mother. Not quite the female I was hoping to greet. We talked for a while, but I never mentioned my new interest. I don't like to let my mother know till I'm sure we're going out, because she'll never stop bugging me. We say our goodbyes and I'm back to waiting.

Two hours and three cds later, I'm still waiting. I hate my life. Then the phone rings. I muster up the enthusiasm to sound like I haven't been sitting there for hours on end waiting for the phone to ring. Sure enough, it was her. She said she'd loved to. We were on for tonight. She was going to be here in an hour and a half. I had enough time to take a shower and to clean up (not like my place wasn't already cleaned, I've been sitting there all day for god sake). So, I hop in the shower and make sure that I'm clean. Then I get dressed. I want to make a good impression. Wear the right clothes. Not too casual, but not too dressy. Damn, I wish I knew what she was wearing. I decided to throw on some nice cargo pants (always a nice way to go) and a button up shirt, but not tucked in. It's a nice combo, kind of nice, kind of casual. I light a few candles, put in a romantic cd, and I'm set.

She knocks on the door. Six minutes early! Not a problem, I've been ready for a while. I let her in and take her coat (I'm such a gentleman). I tell her dinner will be done in ten minutes if she wants to sit down and get comfortable. I then ask her if she'd like a little music. She thought it was a fabulous idea. I walk over to my cd player and hit play, real suave like. I start to walk away when the music starts. It's that heavy band. Shit. I accidentally hit the wrong cd to play. I turned three shades of red and went back to the cd player. I apologized and she laughed. She said, "Don't worry about it. I like them a lot". Score! We had dinner and started to watch a movie.

We didn't watch the movie for long. Before a half an hour into the movie, we were making out. I masterminded it perfectly. First, I kind of leaned up against her. She leaned back. Then, I placed my hand next hers, just barely touching it. She moved her hand closer. That was my sign that she liked me and wanted me to touch her. I put my hand on hers and she received gratefully. About five minutes later, I started to make a few glances at her, so she would notice that I was taking interest in her. I started to notice she was doing the same (probably in response to my advances). Then we both had looked at the same time. I looked into her eyes, and she did the same to me. I bit the bullet and kissed her. She kissed back. Oh boy did she kiss back. We weren't sitting up for long. I was on my back and she was on top of me. We made out for a long time. We were finally interrupted by the loud fuzz on the screen when the movie turned off.

I asked her what she was doing for the rest of the night. "Hoping to stay over at your house, if you don't mind". I didn't mind in the least. It had been a while since I had this great of sex. I was happy. Life was whole again.

The next morning wasn't awkward at all. We took a shower together and she used my tooth brush and it was all good. I asked her if she'd like to do this again. "I'd like to do this a lot". I was happy, yet again. Then she said, "Just one question. You're not madly in love with me now, are you? Because the last boy friend I had, wanted to marry me after I had sex with him. I'm too young for that." I told her that I wasn't, not to worry. I was hurt bad last time too, so I don't really feel like getting into a heavy relationship.

Well, the next few weeks, we were together all of our free time. We both worked. She worked at a body art shop. We'd see each other a lot at nights and on weekends. She was still going to school, so she liked to go to bed early. She's the type that less then eight hours of sleep doesn't work. I understand. Personally, I'm basically two steps down from an insomniac, but it all works out good. I'm usually up when she's around.

We were so domestic. We went shopping together. Made dinner together (I'm a mean chef). We even bought a blender and toaster together. You don't get much more domestic then that. She stayed over at my place, I stayed over at hers. I helped her with school work and she would help me out with writing songs. She gave me constructive criticism. We were like the peas in the pod. On top of that, we had sex every time we had the chance. It was amazing. Life was finally looking up for me. I was happy, content, and full of life.

Then one day something happened. I realized that I loved her. It went like this. I was cooking dinner and she was studying. She had the most intent look on her face. Completely absorbed and out of touch with the world. He hair was pulled back in a little pony tail, except for one strand of blond hair that fell over her face. She kept placing the piece of hair behind her ear, but it keeps falling down. Everything went away in my mind. All that was there was her. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I looked at her and I found ultimate joy. I then felt a pit in my stomach, and boiling water on my arm. SHIT!!!! I was so absorbed in her, I didn't see the water boil over and land on my arm. She rushed over and turned off the heat and attended to my arm. When she asked me what happened, I told her I just went into a daze.

I couldn't believe it, I had fallen in love. I had fallen in love with the one person that didn't want love. That brings me to date. What was I to do? How was I to proceed? Tell her I love her? If I do and she gets scared and runs away, then I have nothing. If I don't tell her then she could stay with me for a while, then leave, thinking that I'm not serious. What do I do? What do I do? My happiness is now my stress. Everyday, I wake up and look at her. Wondering, "should I tell her or shouldn't I?" So, I lay the question down to all: Is it worth loosing my love, for her to know I love?