Death of a Rooster

Chapter FCAT

Previously on Death of a Rooster…

OS: Some shit happened. Okay, moving on.

OK: Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, people like to be informed?

OS: No.

OK: Sigh Where are we now?

OS: Oh you don't wanna know.

OK: I think I do

Ad: We have to go to the EMERGENCY ROOM?!

Doctor: A broken nose is a very serious thing.

R: uhh humb!

K: We can't afford emergency room costs!

Doctor: Well, you could let him suffer from a horribly disfigured face and heavy


All: Works for me!

R: Notb mwbe!

Doctor: Look, if one of you were black the NAACP would pay for it.

K: Isn't there an NAACP that's for Cuban people instead of colored people?

Doctor: No.

G: I'm black!

OS: Take out the l.

OA: Why?

OS: It's more appropriate.

K: What?

G: I said, I'm back! I mean, back! DAMN IT YOU HOES I MEAN B-L-A-C-K!

Doctor: Oh! BLACK! I see now!

S: Do you? Do you really?

Mg: I can see clearly now the L is gone.

G: That's not how the song goes.

SB: No, but it's catchy.

Doctor: Anyways, you don't count.

G: Why?

Doctor: You're from the Virgin Islands. Which are in the Pacific. So you're a Pacific


G: Am not!

Doctor: What does "skeet skeet" mean?

G: Um…

Doctor: I rest my case.

G: Darn it!

Mg: Even I know what it means.

S: It's truly sad when a white, old, crusty doctor knows what "skeet skeet" is, and a

young, hip, non-crusty black guy doesn't.

Doctor: I'm not crusty.

S: Balding?

Doctor: Okay, but NOT CRUSTY!


SB: Where?!

OS: What's crusty the clown from

OK: The Simpsons, I think.

K: There!

Giant spider clown appears

SB: That's not crusty, that's IT!

S: What?


S: It what?

SB: IT IT IT! Haven't you ever read IT? Stephen King?

S: How can I read "IT" if "IT's" over there?

SB: You're so…STUPID!!!

S: I know.

Mg: Hey, anyone wanna conquer Mexico with me?

SB: IT will go!

IT: Will not!

SB: Will so!

IT: Will not!

SB: Will so!








Mg: Quite all right. I'll take G.

G: Hey, wait, the Virgin Islands aren't in the Pacific! They're in the Caribbean.!

Doctor: You're Caribbean. A Virgin Caribbean. Get over it.

Mg: C'mon, G, let's go!

K: Have fun!

R: Bmy knowbs!

S: Ok, are ther any other organizations that would pay?

Doctor: Well, are any of you gay?

K: Actually, S and A kis-


Doctor: It only takes one time to-

A: No! I have a BOYFRIEND!

G: homophobe

K: Well, anything else?

Doctor: Hispanic?

R: I'mb Cuban.

Doctor: I said hispanic, not illegal alien. Umm…nope,sorry. I guess that you're just going

to have to –


G: Isn't there a curse on that gold?

Mg: That's the gold of the Aztecs. Get it straight

K: But isn't Cortez's gold the gold of the Aztecs? Didn't Cortez conquer the Aztecs?

S: If he conquered the Aztecs who conquered the Incas?

K: Pizarro.

SB: Es verdad.

Mg: Well, we'll see if it's cursed I have… THE LUNAR LOCK – oops, copyright! THE


K: O, cool.

A: Let's try it!


Moon floats into sky

A: Nothing's happening.

SB: You need a coin.

Mg: O, ok, let's try this again.Holds coin Jumps out into moonlight

S: Well, there is a curse…It's just not what we thought.

Mg: Ack! No! I don't think that –

Doctor: I'll take them! You can consider all doctors fees paid if you just –

A: Hold on!

K: We need to think this through!

S: Yeah, like how the hell we're gonna get out of this and still be ourselves.

A: I say we get rid of the gold.

K: But aren't we ALL cursed?

S: I think it's just Mg.

Mg: Hey! It's my gold, my curse, my decision!

S: Wait. We should all be cursed?

K: Yeah! We can become pirates! And ninjas! And cowboys! We'll be pinin boys! Or

cowratja! Or if we scramble it, pyro jars!

A: Or prtaenarjawisnsaicorbs…

K: Not seeing that one.

A: Whaddaya say, guys?

G: No.

R: It's bad wuck two habve a woman on bwoard, wet awone four.

Ad: Five.

SB: I wanna be a pirate!

Ad: And myself.

G: Ah, why the hell not.

R: Don't weabe mbe!

Mg: Get your nose fixed first.

S: You're too hard to understand other wise.

K: Then maybe you should get him out of your mouth.

S: Spits out R shaped gummy Happy?

K: Yes.

G: I wanna be a ninja!

K: Me too!

S: No. You're a cowboy. Texes Cowboy.

K: So long as I get a gun.

S: Fine

SB: Argh! I'm Bloodthursty Jaqueline!

OS: Jaqueline? Is that French?

OK: No.

OS: Liar.

OK: I am not!

OS: Let's not get into this again.

Ad: If you're Bloodthursty Jaqueline, I'm Bloodthursty Jacques!

K: No! No mushy boyfriend/girlfriend stuff!

S: Short blondes don't like mushy.

K: I have a gun. I'd stop with the short jokes.

S: Sorry, what? I couldn't hear you because there was this buzzing noise coming from the


A: I'm gonna laugh when you get shot.

S: I'm not.

G: I'm, um…what's a good ninja name?

K: Grasshopper.

S: Ha, then K could really be knee high to a grass hopper.

K: How 'bout I blow out your kneecaps! Argh! Stupid safety!

A: Deadly Jade Blossom

G: I wanna be a nina. Not an Asian female

Ad: Jem Chaii. It's like Jackie Chan or Jet Lei.

G: I am Jen Chaii! Master ninja!

A: I wanna be a pirate.

S: Scurvy

A: I am not going to be Scurvy the pirate.

S: That's what you'll get – SCURVY.

A: Whatever. I am Elvenstar the Pirate!

R: I wanna be a –

S: Hey! You can talk again!

R: Reconstructive nose surgery is my new hero. But I wanna be a –

A: Ack! Scurvy!

R: Not a pirate!

S: There's three of them.

R: You be the ninja.

Mg: Hey! I am the captain of this ship and I say that the two of you –

S: Aww, shit!

Mg: What?

S: No, I stepped…in shit…on the poop deck.

R: It's called the poop deck for a reason.

S: I'll shove your face into the –

G: Silence! I am practicing my zen!



S: How'd you get a horse on a boat?

A: Yay! I won't get scurvy! I can eat the horse!

K: No! Not my baby!

S: It's not like there's any meat on it, I mean, you have to put a quarter in it for it to go.

A: I wanna be 1st mate! Can I? Huh huh huh?

Mg: No! You're artillary.

K: Hey, wait, pirates get guns too!

S: You're too short to be a pirate. Besides, I can't really see you raping women.

K: So that's why you became a pirate.

S: I'm not a pirate, I'm a –

Mg: Listen up! I want you two to be –


All: Land SB?

OSB: I hate you.

OK/OS: Es verdad.

Mg: Mexico!

R: Say it like you ain't white.

Mg: Me-he-co?

R: Yeah.

S: It's like the crumbling of a really good pie crust. The fabric that holds us all together is

no more.

K: What are you talking about?

S: There's that buzzing again.

SB: Why are we in Mexico?

Mg: We're going to find the ancient spanish gold-covered forts.

Ad: I thought that was a myth.

Mg: And I thought a half an inch penis was a myth, too.

R: Hey! That's private!

A: Only if you keep it in your pants.

R: Shut up! You're being mean!

S: Alright! Let's find those temples!

R: Look for shinies.

S: What?

R: If it's made out of gold it'll be shiney!

K: Unless it's really dirty.

G: Using my ninja stealth I spy – A TIGER!

K: Don't be silly, Tigers live in India!

S: Hey, what're R and I?

R: I wanna be an assassin. Pose

K: Sabello can be a Amazon.

S: I'm not tan enough to be an Amazon.

G: Skin-ist!

A: Look! Shining!

Mg: Look, bullet!

S: Duck!

R: Where?! It could be a cousin.

Bullet: Hits Tiger

K: Hey look, a tiger!

G: Don't be silly, Tigers live in India!

Tiger: On…vacation…Dies

Mg: Tigerskin!

S: That's barbaric.

K: Who's shooting at us?

Old British Guy from Jamanji (OBJ): Cheerio! Shoots at them

Mg: Fire!

R: Ahh! Fire! Run!

K: You're going down, crusty old man: shoots OBJ

OBJ: No! Not my new suit!

Mg: Shame, really.

R: Wait, what fire? I don't see any fire.

S: Are all birds this dumb?

G: Chickens are especially dumb.

K: They're the only bird that is raised just to be killed.

R: You're gonna kill me?!

A: I wish…

S: Turkeys, turkeys are raised to be killed!

K: Turkeys drown in the rain.

Drew Carey: Welcome to scenes from a hat! Our first game is for A, S, K, and SB. The

scene – Ms. Crews's class the day they switch all facility coffee to decaf!

K: Ms. Crews, what is the ln of 3-3 x 8?

A: (playing Ms. Crews) Twitch

Mg: It's not funny.

S: We're working on it!

SB: SHUT UP! I WANNA TAKE A (bleep bleep) NAP YOU (bleep) INGRATES!

S: Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Drew Carey: When Micheal Jackson walks onto the beach.

A: Aww, (bleep) my nose is somewhere under all this sand!

K: Micheal! Time to go! You've been in the sun too long!

Drew Carey: Ha! Son, sun! I get it.

S: I'm not striking a pose, I have sand in my suit!

Drew Carey: Next scene. Guy who's been in the desert forever finds the food channel.

SB: IF only…I could….be like….that girl….in the ring.

A: BAM! Need…gun…to…make…Emiril!

K: Wish…I…were….there!

Drew Carey: Next scene! Steve Irwin discovering the deadly mamba-jackle snake viper?

S: Lookit, it's a beauty Points to K so little…what if I – ow! It bit me! Lookit, it's

ripped my nose orf! Omigoodness, it's eating my nose! Crickey!

K: Don't lookat me, I ain't chewing no nasal passage.

Drew Carey: Next scene – Harry potter and the fan girl of fandomness.

A: I really wish I could be like Lucius and use the Rigorus mortus spell.

SB: OMG! YOU'RE LIKE, HARRY POTTER! I have a boyfriend who so totally looks

like you! I mean, I had to cut and die his hair and screw up his vision a little and

burn him with a lightning bolt shaped prodder thing but he's totally a reincarnation of ya!

A: Um…

K: Can I have some of your hair, gosh, I so want some hair! Or, like, a

piece of fingernail! Please, I'm making this potion for my boyfriend, he needs to

look like you and act like you and –

S: I want to lick your scar.

Drew Carey: all Right! We'll be right back after this commercial break!

Mg: We need to find the Incan treasure not screw around on some game show!

S: We need a treasure map.

K: Let's commandeer a ship!

SB: You could only commandeer a row boat.

Ad: Make you all a deal, I get replacements for you on the show and you give me your

share of the treasure.

S: Hell no.

A: I'll finish up my tour of the show, thank you!

K: I know what we can do!

Drew Carey: And now it's time for "Props." This game is for all four of you. Sb and wait… Colin and Ryan, here's your prop and Chip and Wayne, here's yours

…On the other side of Mexico…

SB: Great plan.

A: Yeah, getting those out of work actors to take our place.

K: Ha! They'll never get anywhere.

A: Ha! Imbeciles!


S/A/K: Sing slave song Swing low…(Sing in excellent harmony)

K: Swing Swing Swing!

S: Swiiing loooow!

A: Babow bow bow –

K: Smacks her we're slaves, not a barber shop quartet

Mg: Now! To the Incan Gold!

G: I love it when white people have to suffer the same torture that for generations my

people had to endure

R: Are you Racist?

G: No.

A: Hey. My ancestors were poor Irish-men who sweltered in factories and didn't get free

room and board, not slaveholders.

G: Why you-

S: Guys, guys, back off! This isn't a time to decide when Africa became black!

Mg: Looks! Incan gold!

A: Look! Pygmy mummies!


Mummy: Booga!

A: Boogity boo!

Mummy: Booga?

A: Booga!

S: I say we leave her here

Mg: Grab the gold!

All: Grab gold

K: Ok, now what, o brave captin?

Mg: Um…

A: I change my mind! I'm now Elvenstar the Samarii!

All: Stare

S: you do know the British took out the Samarii in, like, 1492 or something…

G: With machine guns. Like on "The Last Samarii."

A: Don't care! Sticks out tongue


Tour Guide: Singapore is the world's largest port. It also –

S: Stick em up!

K: Give us all your money and jewelery.

A: And strip to your boxers. We'll drop you off on shore so you can be laughed at and

made fun of.

Tour Guide: PIRATES!

K: And cowgirls.

G: And ninjas.

A: And samarii.

R: And poultry!

Ad: So give us yer money or I shall use the force!

SB: Um…yeah.

Tour Guide: You cannot use the force for evil!

S: She obviously has not heard of DARTH VADER!

Tour Guide: Ack! You have spoken of he who shall not be spoken of!

R: Sounds kinda like those we do not speak of.

K: Or he-who-shall-not-be-named.

SB: Okay, okay, whatever.

A: The nameless.

SB: Yeah, yeah, b-

A: No, the nameless!

SB: That's not the nameless, el dorko It's –

Tour Guide: Look, here's the deal. I am not gonna let anything…or any one –

Mg: ATTACK HER! And take her out!

Tour Guide: No way, Jose!

All: Attack Tour Guide

Tour People: No! Aaah! Run Away!

K: Ahaha o foul feind, how d'ya like that?!

Mg: Now tar and feather her!

S: And hang her from a tree and use her as a piñata!

Tour Guide: No!

A: Hits her

Tour Guide: Bursts open. Tons of sweets pour out


Strongly High Femal Voices: THE DUTCH MAN'S TREASURE!

Ad: O…Who lives in a pinapple under the sea…

Mg: Look, this treasure isn't under the sea. It's in a dungeon, under a castle, that can only

be found by those who have founded it before.

K: Where are we going to find someone like that?

S: We could try finding the person who buried it, I mean, they'd have to have been there

once, right?

Mg: Or, to save on time, we'll use my naval Global Positioning thinggummy!

R: It serches belly buttons?

L: No. Naval like Navy like OCEAN!!!!

R: I knew that!

SB: Uh huh, sure you did.

Ad: Well, let's do that.

Mg: Stares at Global Positioning thing That way! Points to Asia Minor

K: Isn't that a consellation?

A: That's Ursa Minor.

K: If you say so.

G: So now what?

Mg: we go!

All: Take 2 steps

Mg: STOP! Okay, now, R, G, start digging.

S: You're kidding. Two steps?!?!

R/G: Dig

Mg: Wait! I was holding it upside down!

All: Walk 4 steps back

Mg: Now dig


R: There's not gold!

Mg: But there has to be! My device says so!

K: Give me that! I thought so! This is in metric!


S: I have an idea. R, you dig everything to the right of where we are now and G dig

everything to the left.

G: I am not your digging slave!

S: I'll give you a nickel.

G: No!

S: A shiney nickel.

G: O! Okay!

R: I'm not.

Ad: Do it.

R: How come you don't have to dig?

Ad: I'm getting knee surgery.

S: You are?

SB: O!

K: Poor baby!

Mg: We'll give you grapes. You just take it easy. Ok?

G/R: Grr. I hate you. Stop saying what I'm saying: STOP! Aargh! stomp off

A: Dig while you're stomping!


G:…I can't belive I just cursed! YOU'RE BAD INFLUENCES!

K: How do you dig and stomp?

S: I dunno.

Suddenly the ground caves in

Mg: Your stomping caused the ground to cave in on this ancient tunnel!

K: Yay!

All: Frolic off…to their DOOM

A: are we supposed to know it's our doom?

K: Doesn't matter. Look, sparkly gold!

Ad: Now we can pay for me -

Consort: Silence! Who dares disturb my slumber?

S: Fe fi fo fum I smell the blood of an english mun.

SB: What?

Consort: Do you understand this trechory? You have brought doom upon yourselves!

Mg: I'll make you a deal.

Consort: I don't make deals.

Ad: What about sexual favors?

S: Pull a Monica.

Consort: Become bulemic and get a role on Friends?

S: Put your mind in the gutter.

K: O, woe is us, what shall we do?

Huge shining light falls out of sky and lands on consort

S: It's…

Mg: It's…

A: It's…

Spaceship door opens

Prince: Yo!

All: Fall over anime style

SB: What?! I thought that you were in outer…space. Oops.

Prince: I came back down to earth. In a last ditch effort to get a record deal. I've got these

wild new songs that I think people will just eat up.

S: Well –

K: Don't…say…anything.

S: But I –


G: Sticks huge red X over S's mouth

S: mmmph!

K: What? I can't hear you! There's this loud buzzing coming from the sky!

S: Glare

G: She's much more peaceful this way.

S: Smacks his…head. Your all pervs

G: Nevermind…

OS: Which head?

Prince: And now I'm off to get a record deal!

R: Well thanks for smashing Consort.

Prince: Yeah whatever little half chicken.

Mg: Let's get out of here…with the gold.

Ad: One day we're going to run into serious trouble that we can't get out of.

S: mmph…mrrrrr!

K: I hope you don't have anything important to say.

A: She never does.

Mg: And now we…steal the ship!

A: Commandere!

K: We can't do that.

S: Mmph!

K: I agree. It is a nautical term.

S: Mmph?

K: Of course I can.

S: Mmph!!

K: That was naughty.

A: I don't think you can understand her…you're just messing with us.!


K: Ok, that was kinda hard. She either wants the sticker off or she wants Rooster's cock.

A:Ha! Cock, cock, I get it!

S: Mmph!

R: She does?

S: Mmph! Hits forehead

K: Possibly.

A: I wouldn't take the sticker off.

G: Someone might die.

S: Mm hmm.

SB: I'm sensing a language barrier.

Ad: How are we gonna get back home?

Mg: We aren't going home.

Prince: You wanna catch a ride on my private jet?

Mg: Pirates don't ride –

A: Hell yes!

S: Mmph mm mph.

K: Did you just insult someone?

Prince: Why doesn't she just take the sticker off? Her hands are free.

S: Snaps fingers Mmph! Pulls on sticker A: Dude, what'd they do, GLUE it on?! S: MMPH!

K: Ha! Your hands are stuck to your face!

Prince: Um…yeah…Record deal…see ya!

S: Mmph! Mmph! Mmph phm mph!

Mg: I would run and hide if I were Prince…

S: Mmph mmph mmph.

A: G, I'd run, too.

Mg: So let's go to SWEDEN!

K: There's gold in Sweden?

Mg: We need to open up a secure Swiss bank account,

K: Good, I need a new watch.

A: Swiss bank accounts aren't in Sweden.

S: Mmph mm Mphmmmm.

K: Yeah. Swiss is for Switzerland.

Mg: I knew that. I was just testing you.

G: Sure you were.


Swiss Bank

Bank Lady (BL): I'm sorry, but we just don't take in pirates. Mg: Do you want my money or not? K: we could go to the Camon's…

R: Or, gee, I dunno, Wachovia?

S: Mmmp…mmph mmph mmph!

R: Multiple Syllables don't become you.

G: Will you take ninjas?

BL: Stare No.


BL: How can we freeze and give you our money?

S: Mmph!

K: Grabs S The money now or she gets it!

Mg: Wipes away tear I taught you well…

BL: But we don't even – hey, isn't she already your hostage?

S: Mph!

R: True, but do you want to have it be your fault she dies? Or do you want to be free from

blame when we kill her?

BL: Okay okay! How much do you want?

K: All of it.

BL: Reaches under desk Okay, um, well, here you go. Hands A her purse

K: Come on, everyone else, money. Now.

Mg: And the vaults. Open the vaults.

BL: I can't do that.

S: Mmph?

A: That means why.

BL: Switzerland is always neutral. That's why the police aren't here!

R: I get it! Being a victim would put them on a side!

G: Cool! I found P. Diddy's drug account!

Mg: How 'bout this – we only steal from American bank vaults.

K: Sounds good to me.

BL: Yes, but –

Bank Manager (BM): Can I help you?

K: Open the American vaults, or she gets it!

BM: I would love to, except then America might bomb us and we would be blown up.

A: Just shoot her.

S: Mmph?!

A: No, the person next to you.

Random Lady: Me?

K: O, look, a volunteer!

BM: Hey. Those floors are limestone. Do you know how hard it is to get blood outta

limestone? Tell you what. We'll open Canada's account. It's not like they'd do anything, anyways.

G: Does Canada even have an army?

R: Ya, the French.



BM: And these four are Canadian. Enjoy!

A: Blame Canada, blame Canada….

S: Opens vault

Elvis: Shit! They found me! Runs away

All: Stare

S: Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmphmmph.

A: You ain't nutin' but a hound dog. Cryin' all the time.

Mg: Start taking the money!

SB: This is crazy. You don't get a bank account and then – WHAM! "Let's rob the


Ad: You're no fun sometimes.

K: Okay, so grab the money.

SB: Are they gonna be even shares?

Mg: When we get back to the ship we'll decide.

K: We still have a ship?

A: Yeah. R and G rebuilt it.

R: It was hard.

G: You're just a wuss.

R: I am not!

S: Mmph mmmphmph mmphmmph.

Ad: You should really get that checked out.

S: mmphmmph.

BM: Happy? You have the money. Now get out.

Mg: Hold on…we need all of you security tapes for the last three hours.

K: We were only here for two.

Mg: Okay, well, then, kill all the witnesses.

BM: The limestone!

BL: Um, sir, the customers are becoming hysterical…

Customers: Become hysterical

K: I have an Idea…

Later, in Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair…

Mg: Stealing their brains was a good idea…

SB: It's not like they yse them!

Mg: True, but what'll we do with all of them?

A: Hold'em hostage.

K: Yeah. And in the mean time we take over the Death Star.

Mg: And use it to destory all planets and render ourselves the most powerful beings in the

galaxy! Brilliant!

Corealous(CR): I propose a toast! To us!

K: Hey, your not one of us!

CR: So you'll kill me?


S: mmph?

A: No, it's not mandetory for you to come.

K: I say we let him live.

Mg: Yeah, but he'll have to leave…

SB: We should switch his brain out with one of the other ones.

A: I wanna perform the proceedure!

R: We should take a vote.

Ad: This isn't a democracy, it's a cheeracracy!

G: Are you high?


K: All right, all in favor of switching out his brain…

All: Raise hands

Mg: All in favor of switching out R's brain…

All (but R) : Raise hands

R: I strongly advise against it…

A: He's dumb enough as is. But I still wanna perform the procedure.

Outside of huddle

CR: Have you tried peant butter?

S: Mm.

CR: You should try it. Or water.

S: Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph?

CR: What?

S: Mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph mmph!

CR: Let me go get some peanut butter…

In the Huddle

K: Look, you've been overruled!

R: But shouldn't I get final say? I mean, it is my brain.

A: Obviously we do not deem you capable of making your own decisions.

SB: Hence we replace your brain.

G: Maybe we should switch CR and R's brain.

Mg: As funny as that may be…

Out of the huddle

CR: Spreads peanut butter over X There. Can you move your hands now?

S: Mmoh. Tugs on X Mmph mmph.

CR: All right, let me go get some water…


Ad: In this cheeacracy, I say that –

SB: As much as I love you…

R: Look, it's MY BRAIN, so I should get the final say.

Mg: I'm the captain of this ship and I say –

G: We aren't on a ship.

Mg: I'M THE CAPTAIN! And I say that we switch your brain!

K: Stop stalling.

A: So we're agreed. We're switching their brains. And I'm doing the procedure.

G: I wanna do it!

A: I have medical training.

Mg: I'm captain, I decide!

Out of huddle

X: Pops free

S: Ha! Thanks, CR!

CR: No problem. Glad I could help.

S: Now, to get into the huddle…


Mg: And I say that –

S: Mebbe we should let him join us, CR, I mean.

K: Then how do we – hey, wait a minute, how'd you get the X off?

S: That's for me to know and you to never find out.

A: Well, I really want to switch out someone's brain!

G: You could still do R.

Sb: She does birds now?

Ad: What?!

K: If you paid her enough. She'd do anything.

G: She's a tri-sexual, she'll try anything!

K: No. That was bad.

S: If we switch R's brain , who'll we switch it with?

K: Evil grin

R: wakes up wha…what happened? Why am I in R's body!?

K: Revenge is sweet…

S: O, cool! Now I can look at myself naked!


A: Yup! And I fixed your eyes.

R: My eyes were broken?!

A: Well, Mg stepped on one so…

R: What were my eyes doing outside my body?!

A: So I scooped it up and popped it back in…

R: Why was my eye

A: Then took it out and dusted it off and – hey, by the way, no mass orgys. Doctor's


R: Wait, why would I do something like that?

A: Well, you do have your nipples peirced, you ho.

R: I do not! Run's over and looks down S's shirt

CR: Walks in I don't even want to know. Leaves

R: How the heck – when did that happen!?

A: Don't look at me…

R: Of course, now I suppose I have a legitimate excuse to not have children…

S: Yeah, I guesss. This is like some strange fantasy come true.

G: Ooookay. What now?

Mg: Onto San Franciso!

K: What's in San Francisco?

Mg: Water.

A: But why go all the way out to San Francisco for water? There are so many closet places.

S: We should go to England. Cause it's an island and surrounded by water.

R: We're in a secret volcano lair. Think about that for a moment.

S: Come on, you know thinking's not my strong suit.

K: There should be a boat SOMEWHERE! I mean, if it's secret, it's most likely on an


A: Oooh! And ther should be a jet, too!

Mg: So we can go to San Francisco!

R: No.

SB: What, you think you're smarter than the rest of us, chicken boy?

Ad: Isn't it hen now?

R: No, it's F---ing Little Red Riding Hood.

K: I'm sensing a wee bit of sarcasm.

SB: So what do we do, Little Red Riding Hood?

S: It's sad when we need to turn to Little Red Riding Hood for instructions.

A: We get on the jet –

Ad: And go to San Francisco –

Mg: So we can get on a boat!

K: That;s positively ludicris.

S: Hey, that's a rapper.

R: Make you a deal,the four, five, seven, whatever, of you can take a jet to San Francisco

to get ona boat to sail around the –

Dr. Evil: You will be doing no such thing. You are going to help me capture Austin Powers.

S: Isn't that just you in a wig with bad teeth and a fake British accent?

Dr. Evil: Shifty eyes …No. SB: Okay! But what do we get out of it?

Ad: You don't say okay and then ask for conditions.

Dr. Evil : Capture Austin Powers and I will let you use my jet to get to San Francisco and

give you money to purchase a boat.

R: You've got to be kidding me. Does EVERYONE think that San Francisco is the only place to get a boat?

Dr. Evil: Silence! Little Red Riding Hood…I thought you were female…

K: Long story. So we help capture Austin Powers and you give us a jet and money so that we can go to San Francisco and buy a boat?

Dr. Evil : Yes.

A: And how do we find him?

Dr. Evil: Well, first you use my boat to get off this island and then you look for him in England. Which is also and island. And it's surrouned by water.

S: So we get on your boat and then go to England?

G: Hey, wait a minute… why would we use your boat to get to England when a jet to England would be faster?

R: Hey, there's an idea!

Mg: I thought you didn't want to get into a jet and go to San Francisco to get a boat.

R: I gave up trying to make you MORONS realize that the idea was stupid.

K: Okay! We'll do it!

SB: Sign us up.

K: I just said that.

SB: No you didn't.

K: I said almost the exact same thing.

SB: Did not.

Mg: SHUT UP! Go to the boat.

R: Maybe you should get this in writing.

Mg: Why?

R: Oh I don't know…maybe so you can verify what was agreed to.

Mg: You can rip up paper.

R: Sarcastically oh, good point. Because everyone, especially villians, honor their word.

Mg: Exactly.


R: Wait!

All: What?

R: Why don't we just steal his boat?

Mg: Sigh

K: Smacks forhead That's what we were going to do, but you just told him!!!

Dr. Evil: Yes, I foresaw that, so I made a clone to watch you! I can it – Mini-you!

R: Omigosh! It's a minor! Or, un, me! Wait, what?

K: It's a cute 'lil chick!

Mini-you (MU) : Grown!

All: Meep

MU: Find Austin Powers or I eat you.

S: It's like some crazy cycle. People eat chickens and not the chickis going to eat us! O woe is us!

K: Um, right.

MU: Latches onto S's leg

S: No! Don't eat me! You're my clone!

R: Shakes head It's always the short ones.

K: Whacks her

In England

Tour Guide: So now we're exiting Buckingham Palace, we're walking, we're

walking and –

Mg: You're giving us what we want!

Tour Guide – Hold shit, not you again!

K: Relax, we won't rob you.

S: Just tell us where Austin Powers is or the midget gets it.

Tour Guide: What Midget?

S: Points to clone on leg That midget.

R: Isn't that technically my midget clone?

Tour Guide: WTF?! Austin powers, you say? I think that I saw him in the Tower

of London.

K: Really?

Tour Guide: Really.

A: Really really?

Tour Guide: Really really

SB: Really really really?

Tour Guide: All right already! YES! IN THE TOWER OF BLOODY LONDON!

Mg: Paris tends to be bloodier.

K: Ok, thanks!

All: Frolick off

At Tower of London….

K: Here Austin, Austin, Austin…


S: Tell us where he is or she'll shoot!

BL: But –

S: Where is he!?

BL: Wh –



S: O…ee…um…Austin Powers.

BL: He's not here! Why don't you try Liverpool? Or Manchester!

R: Let's go…

In Liverpool…

OS: Wait, what's in Liverpool?

OK: Little Switzerland?

Random Liverpoolonian: What in the –

R: Where's Austin Powers?

Random Liverpoolonian: Oy, he was jus' her, said somethin' about a man's chest, I think.

K: How can an english guy not know about Manchester?

Random Liverpoolonian: Oy, moved here from Scotland.

A: Oh, okay.


Ad: Is Lassie Scotish?

Mg: TO MANCHESTER, you bums.

K: Talk!

Random Liverpoolonian: Wot d'you want mee to say? Or can't –

R: Scottish accents are sexy.

K: Agreed.

In Manchester…

S: Alright, bitches, we want Powers and we want him now!

Person: He's in the Subway. Points

All: Run to Subway

R: Wait a minute, there's no subways in England!

(Authors note: Ok, there's the Underground, but for the sake of humor….)

K: Then where are we?

Mg: The Underground!

Person: New York. You're in New York. Stupid tourists.

MU: Go back to England NOW!

Mg: To the boat! AND BACK TO ENGLAND!

A: This has been fun, guys, but…

S: I'm bored. I think that I'm going to leave. Turns and runs into R. Both heads pop

open and brains fall out as they fall to the ground

SB: Way to go, sew them back together!

G: Quick! Get the brains back in!

Brains: Sprout legts and run into sea

G: Aww, crap!

Mg: We need to get back to the volcano to get them brains!

All: …Why?

Mg: 'cause then…um…well…

K: Cuz even though she makes fun of me and is mean and cruel and off color, she's

our friend. And R's too funny to waste.

A: Hey, look, a magic lamp!

Genie: Yo. I'll give you 5 wishes +1 piece of insurance wish.

Mg: Hmm…I wonder what we should do with them?

A: Well there are 6 of us and six wishes.

K: But one is a piece of insurance wish.

Mg: I'll take the piece of insurance wish.

Genie: Okay, then, go aheah.

Mg: I wish that I could have a full boat insurance on any and every boat I own.

Genie: Okay. Next?

SB: Umm…..

Ad: I wish for all the crazy hats and pants in the world. And they all have to fit.

Sb: Wait…

K: I wish for a 1000 bazillian genies all kept in a palm pilot in order of most wishes to leat, all ready to grant me at least 100 wishes each AND world peace.

SB: What about…

Mg: I want to rule the world.

Genie: you already had your wish. Besides, I can't let you take over the world.

SB: Damn it…what about S and –

G: I wish to conquer Russia! In the winter!

A: I wish to know every language ever! And to be fluent in them!

SB: Not that you're all finished…

Genie: Hold on…I cannot grant…oh, wait, except for that "Ruling the world" thing, all

of you get your wish. Now, you have one more wish left…

K: Not me! I've got at least 100!

Genie: Whatever.


Elvis: Heart break hotel!

SB: No! You piece of shit!

Genie: Piece of shit. Got it. R's brain appears

K: NOOO! What about S?!

A: Shoves R's brain into his head

R: Man! I'm me again! I didn't even get the chance to see a naked –


Genie: Well, thanks for the patronage!


Genie: Poofs and is gone

Ad: Wearing strange pants and matching hat Well, K does have 100 wishes left.

K: And world peace.

A: Insert random language here

G: You could wish for S's brain back.

K: I could…but…

R: Use one of the one wish genies.

G: That way you can delete him from your palm pilot.

SB: What if it's a female?

Mg: Sexist pig.

G: What?! I'm black. I'm allowed to be sexist.

R: Affirmative action at it's finest.

A: Insert random language here

K: This could be problimatic.

Ad: Not seeing how.

Mg: Look, we can't move from this spot until she gets a brain. If we make up our minds

as to what to do, we can leave.

K: I just don't know…

G: Maybe there's something in Russia that could be substituted for her brain.

R: Snow!

SB: It would melt.

R: Damn.

A: Insert random language here

K: Are you doing that on purpose?

A: Non.

Mg: Ahh yes, the side affects of fishing…

R: Don't you mean wishing?

Mg: What'd I say?

R: Fishing.

K: Doesn't matter. I'm in a delima.

SB: Well, think of it this way, you'll be responsible for –

Crab pops out of R's ear

OSB: How come I'm always interrupted when I'm trying to be the sensible one?

OS: What? I can't hear you. I think there's something in my ear.

OK: That was lame,

SB: You'll be responsible for leaving her brainless if you don't.

A: Insert random language here

Elvis: I'm all shook up.

G: You could live with the guilt?

R: Yeah, guilt. You'd be guilty like OJ.

G: Lay off the black man!

K: Okay, so if I use one of my 100 wishes to get S's brain back, then I would not feel guilty for leaving her brainles?

R: We could stick another X on her mouth.

A: Insert Random language here

Mg: Yeah, that way she'd have to be quiet.

K: Okay…looks through palm pilot

G: Sticks X on S's mouth

SB: Where do you get those?

G: I won them in a radio contest. I had to sing "Can you feel the love tonight."

Elvis: You ain't nothin but a hound dog!

Ad: I thought he ran away from us when we found him in Canada's vault in Switzerland?

R: We were in Switzerland?

A: Insert random language here

SB: Swiss bank account, remember?

R: I thought that was in Sweeden?

K: Give Elvis one of those X stickers and keep ahold of him. He'd make a good hostage.

Mg: find.

G: X's Elvis

S: Sits up

Mg: It's moving!

S: I'm off to see the wizard! He'll give me a brain!

Mg: Quick! Wish!

K: look at palm Hm…should I use Al-Jibla or Connie the Fantabulous?

S: Skips off

K: Maybe I should try this one – how do you say that? Behnn Ladn? O! How 'bout Jhim!

S: Blows up Austrailia

K: Ok. Eenie, meenie, minnie, curly….

Mg: At the rate your going, we'll never find Powers!

S: Blows up Japan

Japanese: Aww shit, not again! (In Japanese of course)

K: Got it! Norm the Genie!

Norm: what? I was just taking a bath!

G: The bubbles gave that away.

K: Come on, do the Genie spoof!

Norm: Okay, okay! I am the magic genie from the palm pilot. You have one wish. So

wish away.

K: I wish that S had her brain back.

Norm: Okay…

S: Somewhere in Korea Yay! I've got my brain and body…back!

Norm: Now, back to my bath.

A: Oh darn, just as the last bubbles were going away.

R: You don't get much action, do you?

Mg: Where is she?

SB: Who knows. Let's just go find Austin Powers.

Ad: If Powers and Evil are the same people, how do they fight each other?

SB: Anyone notice that Evil + Powers evil powers?

K: I bet Mr. Myers planned it that way.

Austin Powers (AP): Shows up with S Is this yours?



All: Takes a running leap

AP: Side steps

All: Hit ground and lay in a moaning pile

Mg: Oww……

K: Someones testicals are on my –

Ad: Yay! It's me! I mean…sorry.

SB: Sometimes I wonder about you.

S: Sometimes I wonder and sometimes I'm wonderwoman

A: Must…get…Austin!

AP: You rang?

A: Hand cuffs herself to his ankle

S: You're a genios. How is he going to walk with your wrist connected to his foot?!

K: This is gonna be good.

A: I hate you.

Mg: We've gone all over England – even New York – to find you! Where were you?

AP: At my pad. Where I live. The address is on the internet.

K: Well, I feel sheepish.

S: You could…nevermind. Dirty thought.

A: I am not going to do anything sexual.


A: I can't belive I'm doing this.

AP: Yeah baby, yeah!

R: Think of it this way, you could acutally be giving him a blow job. This way, it just

looks like you are.

Mg: you were the one who cuffed yourself to his leg.

SB: See? I'm not the only ho!

K: Sure…

A: You could uncuff me, you know.

Ad: I think we lost the key.

AP: I ate it. Tee Hee!

All: Stare

K: Are we sure we got the right Powers?

S: Ok, we're at Evil's lair.. Knocks on door

Lady: What?!

S: Hey, we're here to –

Lady: You can't knock! Read the sign! Puts sign outside of door

All: Reading Bell out of ourder. Please knock.

S: But I just did!

K: Just knock again.

Lady: Yes?

S: We're here to –

K: Hi, would you like to buy some girlscout cookies?

All: Glare

K: Sorry, habit.

S: We're here to see Dr. Evil.

Lady: This isn't Dr. Evil's lair, it's Señor Senior and Señor Jr.'s lair.

S: Who are you?

Lady: Shego, Dracon, and I are here for tea.

S: O, so where's Evil's lair?

Lady: See that volcano with the sigh "Dr. Evil's lair"? It's right there.

S: O.

K: Thank you for supporting girl scouts!

S: Hits her

Mg: Back onto the boat!

Travel to Dr. Evil's lair

S: Knocks

Scott: WHAT!?

K: Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?

Mg: Somebody make her stop that.

G: I will!

Scott: Are any of the chocolate?

G: Hi, I'm stealing this customer. Want some band candy?

S: I have kit kats!

Ad: Well I have lollipops!

Scott: Look, put me down for a box of thin mints.

G/S/Ad: What about us?

Scott: Here's a dollar. Fight amongst yourselves.

SB: Is your dad home?

Scott: Dr. Loser?

SB: Um…? Sure…

Scott: Yeah, why?

A: We have Austin Powers

Scott: Are you giving him a blow job?

A: Do I look like I am? Wait, don't answer that.

Scott: Wait, I have a gun in my room. We'll blow out his brains right now.

K: Yum! Makin' cherry pie!

All: Stare

Dr. Evil: SCOTTIE!

Scott: Hides

Dr. Evil: That's my less evil son, my bobo evil son, my cute widdle good girl.

Scott: I have more balls than you and I can prove it!

Dr. Evil: Don't make fun of a man because he got it a little to rough one day!

K: Wow. Frau's really a biter, ain't she?

S: That's more than I ever wanted to hear.

Dr. Evil: Oh, good, you brought Powers... and his bondage whore…


Dr. Evil: handcuffs, blow job… screams bondage whore to me.


Dr. Evil: And aren't you the one with the sex sight? Brazilian Sex Goddess I belive.

K: Somebody's been researching us.

Dr. Evil: Not really. I was going through Scotties favorites.

SB: I swear I didn't know those pictures were for sale.

Dr. Evil: You pictures, your body, why not your soul?

Ad: You ARE pimping in your spare time! I knew it!

Dr. Evil: Okay, let's continue. Do you want the bondage whore?

A: I have a name, you know.

S: You can keep her.

AP: Now wait a minute, you're giving me to my arch nemisis?

Mg: That was the plan.

MU: yeah, the plan.

Dr. Evil: Mini-you!

S: I thought you got blown up in Japan…

G: You remember blowing up Japan?

S: I have a memory chip behind my ear.

R: I'm confused. I don't remember any memory chip.

Dr. Evil: Do you want the jet or not?

Mg: Yes, we want the jet.

K: Hey, you take the bondage whore and we'll take your not-so-evil, ball-less son.

Scottie: Hey! That's mean.

K: It's ok. This is how people show people they care for each other.

S: Yeah, K and I are really good friends.

G: If that's the case then Bush and Saddam must be lovers.

K: You shouldn't give away international secrets...

S: So let's go!

Dr. Evil (to A) : Are you evil?

A: Of course!

Dr. Evil: Then go with them. Train my daughter to the way of the Evil ones!

A: Um, ok?

Scottie: I'm not your daughter.

S: We don't have the key.

AP: She's attached.

Dr. Evil: This could be interesting.

K: Oh, it was…so I think you're still stuck with her.

G: We could cut them fre.

R: Use a skeleton key.

A: I just wanna be me!

OK: You realize you rhymed those last three lines, right?

OS: Outta sight?

OK: Chicken fight!

K: But where can we get a skeleton key?

R: From a skeleton key tree?

Mg: Onward ho! Let's go!

G: Can we take Curly and Moe?

SB: STOP RHYMING! It's annoying.

Ad: Can we go convoying?


Dr. Evil: Out near Pawkucket?

SB: You're all being stupid.

Scottie: Could Brandi play a convincing cupid?

SB: If you don't stop right now –

A: She could, I would guess. SB, don't have a cow.

SB: How can any of you continue?!

R: Rhyming is what's on the menu.

SB: Shut up. All of you.

A: You probbly feel like you're living in a zoo.

OS: That's enough.

OK: Hot stuff!

OSB: Then stop writing it.

OA: That would require a medical kit.

SB: There's no reason behind this.

Ad: Can I have a kiss?

SB: Fine! I'm leaving. Walks off in a huff

K: Yes! We're rid of her! Yay!

All: Celebrate

Dr. Evil: Now go on your quest – to skeleton key land to find a skeleton tree! I'll watch A

and Powers.


Ad: And don't get wet!

All: Smack him

On Skeleton land

G: Everything's so…white

Ad: And boney.

R: I'm so horny…

K: Mabe if we ignore him he'll go away.

R: Or maybe I'll just do it.

S: Ha! You rhymed, you twit!

K: Now your rhyming!

S:Gah! I'm dying!

Ad: Let's just find the key.

Scottie: It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

S: I've done that before.

K: For some reason , I don't doubt it.

G: You would have enough time on your hands to do that.

Ad: Speaking of hands, where's R?

R: Cock a doodle doo!

Sun rises

Skeletons: Yah! We're melting! Melt

K: That was…weird. Or is it weird? No, definatly weird.

A: Look! Skeleton trees!

S: R, climb it and get a key.

R: Starts to shimmy up tree

Tree: Grabs R and throws him into the ground. Raises a root to stop and -

S: Grabs R I saved a DID! Damsel in distress!

R: I'm not a Damsel.

Scottie: It's no use trying to deny it.

K: Okay, so the tree doesn't like R.

R: To tree It's cause I'm Cuban, isn't it?

Tree: No. I just don't like you.

Other Tree: Holy Shit! A talking tree!

Ad: You obviously haven't seen Lord of the Rings.

Other Tree: I read Lord of the Flies once.

Tree: He thought it was about a guy who could talk to flies.

K: It's a classic.

S: Not that she could tell you what it's about.

K: Yes I can! It's a deeply symbolic tale about some boys trapped on an island!

S: Ok, she read the book about the book.

G: Tree, can we have a key?

Tree: What's the magc word?

G: Peas?

R: Pease? WTF?

Tree: Okay, here you go. Gives G key

R: You're kidding, right?

Tree: No.

G (to R): It's because I'm black.

R: Waves fist Damn you Affirmative Action!

Scottie: We shouldn't free them. If we free them Powers will get away!

Mg: Look, there's a certain way you do the whole evil genious way. Blowing out brains

isn't the way! Did Pulp Fiction have an evil villian? No!

Scottie: Argh! I hate you!

Mg: Sticks out tongue

K: Ya know, he'd look good with eyeliner.

S: Let's dress him like a girl!

K: Pulls out laptop hmm…well, we haven't done a lot with croses dressing yet and – hey! A new review!

OS: This is the greatest story on Fiction press - Gasp Thank you! Huggles reviewer

OK: You should comment nicely. We'll give you a huggle.

OS: Anyways, now to dress him like a girl.

Scottie: NOOOOO!


Commentator: And they're off! All bets are on number 42, she's new at this but golly is

she a runner, number 61, wow, he's sprinting and O! He trips over a root, ladies

and gentlmen I did not see that one coming! Number 17 jumps on his back but

she's too short! 61 is off and running again and O! He slams 17 against a wall!

That's gotta hurt.

S: Enough of this. Pulls out a launcher

Commentator: and 42 has a – what is that, a granade launcher? No, it's a net launcher! O

my goodness, ladies and gentlemen, she netted him!

Back at Dr. Evil's lair

Scottie: Blub blub sob DADDYYY!

Dr. Evil: Wha – o migosh! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

Scottie: No I'm not!

S: He's not. He looks like a guy dressed as a girl.

K: Rules of comedy – any man dressed as a woman becomes instantly attractive and

hilarious results ensue.


R: I wanna be a girl! G, would you go out with me if I was a girl?


R: Pretty please! With suger and cherries and crack cocain on top?

G: No…

R: Why not?

G: Do you know what they do to gay men in the black community?!

S: But you aren't black, you're Caribbean.

G: Do you see any gay Jamaicans?! I don't think so!

S: But they were such bright colors, I thought…..

G: My gosh, you're so white. Fascist pig…

S: Well…well…Cries

A: Wow…it requires a lot to make her cry.

G: Ha!

R: Not fair. Really not fair. I WANNA BOYFRIEND!

Ad: You're kidding.

Dr. Evil: Look, do you have the key?

K: Yeah, we got it.

Dr. Evil: Good. Now my arch foe can be BOILED!

AP: Fried me. It's on the menu.

Scottie: You're kidding. Both of you are MORONS!

Dr. Evil: Scottie, Scottie, Scottie. You have to understand that a slow, painful death of

your least favorite person is the way to go.

Scottie: That gives them more time to escape.

S: I agree.

K: Oh good, you stopped being a wuss.

S: You're a bitch.

SB: Touchy, aren't we?

Ad: Look, we gave you Powers and the key. Now we get the jet.

Dr. Evil: You have to watch or else I'll set my clones on you!

All: Um…

S: With the exception of K, how's that going to hurt us?

K: Are you saying I'm a wuss?

S: No, I'm saying you're short.

K: That's getting old.

S: Do I look like I care? This is not my caring face. Does it look like my face is caring?

K: You're momma's caring.

Scottie: Arg! I want out of this dress!

Dr. Evil: Now, we start operation SCUBA! Scottie Can U Boil Austin?

Scottie: Me?

Dr. Evil: Yes!

Scottie: Wipes away tear Thanks, dad!

S: Wow. They have freakish parent child moments too!

K: We just condensed the entire Austin Powers trilogy into what, 8 pages?

Mg: It wasn't as funny.

All: Yeah.

S: What if I don't wanna watch your son boil you?

AP: I think you're confused.

G: We know she is.

K: Just move on.

Scottie: While I appreciate the honor, can I change first?

Dr. Evil: I think we should all change into more…festive outfits.

AP: Smashing, baby.

A: Um, you know, I'm still Insert random language here

R: What?

A: Insert random language here


Ad: Off key Don't go changin', to try and please me.

Mg: Damn right I won't.

R: Takes off clothing

All: Gah! The light! It blinds!

Dr. Evil: And now the festive outfits!

SB: Sounds like vampire politics to me!

Ad: Sarcastically And that makes it ALL better.


SB: Well, I'd be in leather…

Ad: Sounds good to me… Waggles eyebrows

SB: Seductivly eats a banana

Ad: I want to play…with your STD's.

SB: Takes him by his shirt sleeve Let's go somewhere a little more private. Head to

janitor-esque closet

Outside the closet

Scottie: Man, I never get any action!

Mg: I'm sure she'll do you next.

Scottie: Really?

K: For a fee.

R: You really shouldn't pimp SB without her consent.

S: One thousand.

G: Up front.

R: Am I the only voice of reason here?! You can't –

Mg: And another thousand after.

K: Unless you don't like it.

S: Then just consider the first thousand a non-refundable deposit.

G: But you'll like it.

Mg: 50 guarente.

K: Unless your secretly female…

S: Then its 75.

R: You CANNOT pimp SB without her consent, it's like rape.

Dr. Evil: I want some!

Mg: Okay… then after Scottie, you get a turn.


K: I think we just did.

G: Wuite successfully, I might add.


Ad: I sigh don't think…I could go any longer.

SB: We should probably get back out there…

Ad: That requires me to find my clothes…

SB: That requires me to walk.

K: Through door You can't walk? Good!

Door opens and Scottie gets thrown in.

Scottie: Wait! I don't have a thou – although they don't know that.. Through door

What if she doesn't like me?

S: Pretend to be Adams!

Scottie: Erm…I shall give you an orgasm using the force! Turns around; SB and Ad are


In venilation system

SB: We're almost free!

Ad: Just watch out for those fans.

In room

K: It's hot in here.

R: I'll turn on the AC.

SB:What's that sound?


Fans: Whiiiiiiiiiir! Starts sucking in air

SB: This could be problimatic.

Ad: Grab onto something!

A moment later

Ad: I didn't mean that.

SB: Um, sorry…

A moment later

Ad: Would you please let go!?

SB: Sorry!

Ad: Crawl! Crawl! Crawl!

SB: Crawl where?!

Ad: Look! A grate! Push it open!

SB: Pushes open grateNow what?

Ad: Fall! Fall! Fall!

SB: Falls

Dr. Evil: Wow – that was fast.

R: See? You're pimping caused her to crawl through the air vents!

Ad: Falls


Ad: Not without you!

K: Aww, isn't this sweet, Titanic love, without the water.

S: Let's make it Romeo and Juliet. Quick! SB! Play dead!

Suddenly, Puck appears

Puck: Throws powder at random Disappears

SB: Gasp! R, I love you!

Ad: Gasp! A, I love you!

A: Gasp! G, I love you!

S: Gasp! Scottie, I love you!

Dr. Evil: Gasp! AP, I love you!

Scottie: Gasp! SB, I love you!

R: Gasp! Ad, I love you!

G: Gasp! S, I love you!

K: Gasp! I feel so left out!

Dr. Evil: Accidently hits button.

AP: Slowly lowered into boiling water.

Dr. Evil: NOOO! Jumps on lowering platform thingy.

Scottie: You're an idiot. Pushes button again; lowering stops.

Dr. Evil: Picks up Austin, runs away.

S: Here Scottie Scottie.

Scottie: No! I love SB!

SB: R has my heart!

R: Whatever, I like Ad!

OK: S, you can't write an orgy scene!

OS: Wasn't planning on it.

Tolberone's lair

Tolberon (T): Puck, you idiot! Make everything right again!

Puck (P): I can't.

T: Why the f- not?

P: We ran out of powder.

T: Shit.

P: I don't remember you ever –

T: I only cuss when I'm mad you stupid f---er. And I'm F---ING PISSED!

P: Well, I'll go talk to my source and get some more powder…

T: Get some LSD while you're at it.

P: To make them halucinate?

T: To make ME halucinate!

OK: You're completely messing up Shakespere.

OS: I fell like chocolate.

Dr. Evil's lair

K: How do I not get a part in this?

AP: Well, there's always me.

Dr. Evil: No! He's mine!

R: G! Come back!

G: You're gross, no way. I like WOMEN!

K: Your really should get over that.

SB: I hear he's really good in bed.

K: Wait, R, I thought you like Ad?

R: I don't discriminate! G! I want your body!

G: Let go of me! S, my love, help me!

A: Tackles R GET OFF MY MAN!

R: Whimper

Scottie: Hey, SB, you're like a fart – once you enter the room everyone notices.

SB: That's the worse pickup line in the world.


P: I want some magic love powder.

Lady: Magic love powder.

P: And some ergot.

Lady: Ergot.

P: Yes, ergot. For LSD.

Lady: You want the generic brand? PCP?

P: Um…how much will I save?

Lady: Nothing. You just look thrifty.

P: No, ergot and magic love powder.

Lady: We're out.


Lady: But you might want to try O'Malleys. They're our supplier.

P: Thanks, Lady.

Dr. Evil's Lair

Scott: Hold on, there's got to be –

K: SILENCE! I am going to set you all straight! SB, you like Ad.

SB: No I don't. I like R.

R: Yeah, I like Ad!

K: Then how come –

All: Bring her down, she's trying to control our minds!

K: Wait, WAIT! I'm not trying to…Accedentally hits button Um… Jumps

onto platform, then jumps across to other side

Mob: Jumps onto platform as it gets to boiling water

K's shoulder angels appear

K: My shoulder angels appeared!

Devil Angel (DA): BOIL'em!

Non-Devil Angel (NA): No! They're your friends!

DA: Well, they call you short!

NA: Fine, boil S then, but not the rest!

DA: All of them! Evil cackle

K: Who should I follow?

NA: Me! Eternal life!

DA: Me! Fun! And I'll give you a penny!

K: A penny, a penny, a little copper penny, it won't buy anything, it makes your pockets


DA: Fine a nickel.

K: Drool


P: Do you have any magic love potion and ergot?

O'Malley(O): Ergot, yes, magic love potion, no.

P: then give me the ergot.

O: Hey, you didn't hear this from me, but I think Tolberon has some magic love potion.

P: That bastard!

Meanwhile… K: Ok, what else?

DA: Um…lotza chocolate?

K: Milk chocolate?

DA: No! Dark chocolate:

K: Drool

NA: You're friends are still being lowered.

K: I dunno, all of my fantasies or eternal life.


K: Holy shit- erm, omigo- er…whoa! Pushes button

DA: Damn divine intervention.



T: Did not. I need ergot.

P: But you have more magic love potion!

T: No, not really. I sold it to Thomas the Tank Engine. He wanted Roberta the freight car to fall in love with him.

P: ARGH! That's it, no ergot for you.

T: No! Sob

P: I have an idea!


K: Now I just have to figure out how to get them off the platform…

P: Appears Heya.

K: Yay! Now I get included!

P: Actually, no. Throws ergot Now they'll hallucinate they're normal!

OS: Just like us!

SB: Oh! Ad! What are we going to do?

R: We could use your hair as a rope…

Ad: Oh, yeah, THAT'LL work.

Mg: I could save you…

G: That would be much appreciated.

Mg: For a price.

S: How much?

Mg: ¾ of your share. All of your shares.

K: Even mine?

Mg: No.

A: You're a greedy tyrant.

Scottie: I think there's a reverse button on the control panel…

K: Where?

Scottie: I dunno, you'd have to ask my dad…

Dr. Evil: AP! Come back!

AP: No, baby!

K: What's…Closes eyes, waves hand this button do? Pushes random button

Huge round bed from AP2 appears

All: Stare

K: How 'bout THIS one?

Sharks with laser beams drop in water.

S: Yum! Shark soup!

K: Hmm…this one?

Disco ball appears and starts to turn.

S: Shark soup and a disco!

R: All you really need to party.

K: This one?

Click….click…click…click…clop…clippity….click….clop, Skeleton horses appear

G: Now I guess it's a real party.

K: ARGH! Slams hands on all buttons

Madonna starts singing that song with Brittany Spears.

Party favors appear and attack random cronies.

Teen Titans plays on giant TV screen.

Missiles aimed at the White House, Buckingham Palace, Notre Dame, and for some reason a tiny farm in South Asia take off.

Small children run by dragging a huge teddy bear

Crop circles appear everywhere

The platform raises, then falls, then malfunctions.

World wide blackout.

S: You're a moron.

The End