If I Never Knew You
Poem to my son
When the winds of trouble blow
I will hold your hand
When the tears appear upon your cheeks
I will wipe a smile upon your face
When the sun won't shine
I will never fade away
When the monsters under your bed appear
I will fight them away with my imaginary spear
When you have no one else to turn to
I will be there for you
I will be your Father
I will be your best friend
April 2, 1999
It seems so strange that I am writing you. I know you not nor do you know me. When I first received the news of your existence I was quite shocked. I reacted just as any soon-to-be father would have reacted. But in this situation it was very difficult. Unfortunately you came as a shock to my girlfriend and I both. You see your mother and I are not married. We have been dating for a very long time but I suppose we took things a little too far. It must have been the night after the football game at our local high school. I am the quarterback on our football team and since my team won I was very happy and excited. My girlfriend (your mother of course), Jessica and I walked to my car after the game and. . .things happened that shouldn't have took place. But they did and now things will never be the same.
It was a few weeks before Jessica finally told me the news. I was standing at my locker looking through some of my books when she walked up to me.
"Hey Jess! How's it going sweetie?" I asked smiling putting my around her.
She pulled away and I noticed she had tears in her eyes.
"What's wrong?" I asked concerned.
"Chad I. . .I'm pregnant," Jessica said not able to look into my eyes.
I was completely shocked by the news and was unable to say anything. We both stood there in silence. I heard the bell ring announcing classes but I didn't move and neither did Jessica.
"Are. . .are you sure?" I asked.
"I did one of those test things and it says I am. I'm going to the doctor just to be certain," Jessica said.
"Well. . .what are we going to do?" I asked.
"I have no idea. But this is your fault! If you hadn't done what you did that night after the football game then we wouldn't be in such a mess," Jessica yelled angrily.
I knew she frustrated and angry about the whole thing. I didn't take her words to heart but instead I put my arms around her.
"Jess I'm sorry. You're right about it all. But we've got to figure out what to do. Does your parents know?" I asked.
"My Mom does but not my Dad. If he finds out. . .things will not go over good," Jessica said rubbing her nose on my chest.
"Listen you don't have to worry about me backing out on you or anything. I love you and I'm going to be by your side through this whole ordeal," I said.
"Chad, I. . .think I should have an abortion. I'm only sixteen and you're only seventeen. Neither one of us are ready to be parents yet," she said.
I looked at her from an arm's length and shook my head.
"I don't know Jess. Maybe if you want to do that," I said.
After school I went straight home. My mind was filled with many thoughts and I was confused. I couldn't believe the whole thing was happening. That night I got on the internet and looked up abortions. I read through a couple of websites I found and I saw how the unborn babies were aborted. It all terrified me and I knew then and there that I didn't want my son/daughter to be killed by abortion.
April 3, 1999
Since it was Saturday I climbed into my parents' old volts wagon and went to Jessica's house. The welcoming reception I received when I climbed out of the car was not a very good one. As soon as I got out of the car Jessica's father came bursting out of the house. His face was blood red which was a pretty good sign Jessica had told him of the pregnancy and he wasn't happy about it.
Immediately he came and got right up in my face.
"I'm going to kill you for you did to my daughter! You no account scum!" he yelled.
I backed away slowly trying to get him to let me talk to Jessica. But my words went unheard he was too busy cursing me and screaming that I could do nothing. At that moment Jessica stepped out onto the porch and when she saw what was happening she ran over to her father.
"Daddy stop it!" Jessica said as she grabbed her father's arm.
"You get inside young lady. This tramp is not going to step one foot on this property," he said pushing Jessica back.
"Now you listen here. You've got my daughter into a whole heap of trouble and you are sure as heck going to help her. But I don't want you seeing her ever again. It has been decided that she should get an abortion. We don't the baby and neither does she," he said pointing his finger in my face.
"No you can't get an abortion! Listen to me Jessica, abortion. . .it's not the right way to go about this. If you don't want the baby then let me take it in," I said.
"Oh that's easy for you to say! You don't have to actually have the baby like I do. Besides what about your parents? And what would you do with a baby?" Jessica asked glaring at me.
"Please Jess don't get an abortion. It's my fault that this baby came to be so I want to take care of it. It's the least I can do," I said.
She just shook her head and went back inside the house. Her father turned to me and pointed to my car. I took his cue and climbed in and drove away. Somehow I knew I had to save you from death.
April 12, 1999
It was finally official. Jessica went to the doctor and she was definitely pregnant. And the baby was of my blood and flesh. I finally told my parents about the whole thing. They were horrified at first but they finally calmed down after awhile. When I told them that I wanted to take the baby in since Jessica didn't want it my mother almost fainted.
"Chad, don't be ridiculous! You can't raise a child," she said.
"But Mom I have too. Do you want that baby to die without ever living a life?" I asked.
That got her and she and Dad finally decided to talk to Jessica's parents. I prayed that Jessica would have the baby. I knew it would be very hard for her to do so but I wanted you to come into this world, to live, and to be who you were.
April 15, 1999
It was a rainy day when Jessica and I met in private. We needed to talk about so many things before the final decision was made. A cold shower of rain was falling as she and I made our way to the local park. We went to the big gazebo to talk and to be shielded from the rain. Inside the gazebo we shook the rain from our clothes and Jessica turned to stare out across the park.
"Chad I'm scared and confused," she said sighing.
I walked over and stood behind. I wrapped my arms around her waist hoping to comfort her somehow. I loved her so very much and always had. We had been destined to be together ever since kindergarten. I used to sit and watch her as she ran around the room. Usually I was too shy to talk to her. When I turned fourteen I saw the real Jessica for the first time. With her long brown hair and sparkling green eyes, Jessica swept me off my feet. I finally got up my nerve and asked her out. Surprisingly she said that she would love that. Our first date was at my parents' house. It hadn't been all that great but we had a good time. When I got my license she and I would go to the drive in and sit on top of the car. Of course there kissing but we never went too far.
All of those things seemed so long ago now.
"Chad, I'm going to have the baby," Jessica suddenly said interrupting my thoughts.
"Are you sure you want too?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm sure. It's not going to be easy that's for sure but I believe it's the right thing," she said.
"Jess, I. . .I love you so much," I said
It was at that moment that I made a big decision. I don't know how or why I made it but somehow I knew it was right. Kneeling down on one knee I took Jessica's hand in mine.
"Jessica Marie O'Hara, will you marry me?" I asked looking up into her eyes.
She covered her mouth with her hand unable to speak. Suddenly she burst out, "I'm so crazy! YES I will marry you!"
I jumped up and she flung her arms around my neck. It was a very strange moment. I didn't know how it was all going to work but I saw that it was our only solution.
"Chad, you know that this is going to be almost impossible. We'll have to quit school and everything," Jessica said.
"I know but it's the right thing," I said.
"It's all so sudden and confusing. I mean it was only like a few weeks ago that I didn't want this baby and now I just agreed to marry you," she said looking confused.
"Everything will work out fine. Just as long as we're together everything will be good," I said smiling.
To Be Continued. . .